Today I got stuck in a flashback, I couldn't get out of it, I was there and I was terrified and feeling everything of that assault. I had a cervical exam and smear on Tuesday and it triggered me, I handled it well at the time and my gp said she was really proud of me and that I did so well. It was my first one since I was actually examined in hospital I was convinced she'd hate me after seeing me that way, she's the only gp I trust because she takes me seriously but my rapist said that anyone who saw me in the full would be so disgusted they would want nothing to do with me... but there she was smiling and being kind to me.
I was overwhelmed, angry and confused that I believed the word of a rapist over what was going to be an urgent but routine medical procedure which she'd be used to doing and be desensitised to.
But all of it triggered the build up to today I was fighting off a return I kept feeling being penetrated hallucinations and my day would fade in and out of awareness since the examination. I just wanted to cope. But today I heard something I don't quite know what and got stuck. I was aware briefly of my surroundings, I cut deep on my arm and needed stitches. This is the second time this year I've needed medical intervention and the third time I've cut after years of being free. I only did one cut on my arm which I brushed off as an accident to those who see my arms but now I have more and it looks deliberate, it's different to scars which aren't raw because scars are healed and show progress, whereas these show relapse and vulnerability, people question your ability to function and cope.
But I want to scream that I have reasons to hate myself so much, if only they knew what happened and how I ruin everyone's lives which my mum forced into me yesterday during a huge row. I am a poisonous entity. I wish I was dead and didn't have to live with the memories and my absolute disgust in myself.
I don't know where to go from here, mum's questioning whether I should do this training but it's my only hope at a decent career. I question whether I need therapy so I don't self harm during flashbacks I can't talk to my cpn about it it was CAMHs that didn't believe me and everyone made me question my own mind so I didnt even believe myself. And when I started talking about it in adults this year they shut me up because of his job. I told the gp that I was raped at fifteen more than once, it's the first time I was honest with someone inside the NHS since I wasn't believed.
But I feel sick and hopeless, i just want to be able to move forward, why can't I move forward they probably think they got away with it and it isn't right that I don't try and have them prosecuted because they probably did it to someone. Else but I am protecting myself, does that make me a bad person?
I am sorry this is so long and that it is all hard to read, I hope someone can help, I feel incredibly alone and low. I wish it was fatal today then I wouldn't be dealing with all the consequences of living.
"It is not the strength of the body that counts, but the strength of the spirit"
-J.R.R Tolkien
Hi. I am not very good with words at the moment, so I'm afraid I can't really help, but I just wanted you to know that you're heard. I've read it, I care, and I'm sorry you're struggling so much.
You definitely aren't a bad person. Trust me, I've seen bad people. You are a good person in a really bad situation. You deserve to be happy.
Living can be hard, but living can also be beautiful. What are the things that make you feel better? Anything, from your loved ones and your grandiose dreams to ice cream and funny puppy pics? I'm sure you can remember something you still enjoy, in spite of it all. I know in our dark moments it might feel like our life is made out of nothing but the things that hurt us. Do you think you could try to make a list of all the things in life that you like? It can be a good distraction from all the awful thoughts.
Thank you very much for the reply, I really appreciate your kindness.
I do enjoy some things, I love dogs, donkeys, walking and reading. My dog of thirteen years died suddenly back in November. He went through every difficult day and always helped because he showed so much love and we are planning to get a new one in July. I cannot wait to have a new companion and I also want to pass my second year in my training, I think if I get through it won't be all for nothing, because this year has been so miserable with the intensity and our group has lost 10 people in total. I like my group I don't want to fall victim to that.
My memories of all my trauma came back in January it all revolved around my fifteenth year, but I wasn't believed and so I stopped talking, stopped believing my mind and suppressed them dismissed my experiences as hallucinations to MH staff so that they would treat me instead of judging me and it worked, until my memories came back.
It's so raw and it's completely invading my life, it's literally like it was yesterday instead of ten years ago. And yesterday was so scary, I am looking into private therapy so I can work it through, because I could have died if I hadn't got help and that's twice now with self injury unawares that I have caused serious damage. I don't really want to die I just want to live a life that's different to this.
I will write a list tomorrow of more things I like before I go to bed, I think it will help.
Thank you again, it really means a lot that you took time and effort to reply
"It is not the strength of the body that counts, but the strength of the spirit"
-J.R.R Tolkien
I'm sorry you've been through so much and it is extra painful right now. I hope this wave passes and you start to feel a bit better. It sounds like it will take a lot of hard work to process and work through things but it is possible, it just takes time. Does anything help to soothe things? How are you doing now?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm sorry you've been through so much and it is extra painful right now. I hope this wave passes and you start to feel a bit better. It sounds like it will take a lot of hard work to process and work through things but it is possible, it just takes time. Does anything help to soothe things? How are you doing now?
Thank you one step, it's going to take a lot of work that's for sure, because I'm self harming unaware and dangerously I need to get my reactions to flashbacks controlled before I cause irreversible damage. Things aren't as raw as they were on Thursday but I'm still a bit knocked for six, I feel a bit numb right now, I feel very ashamed because I am now looking for long sleeves so I can keep it hidden professionally. I am gutted that this happened, my last one I didn't need to cover but this time there are a few and I won't be able to get away with it. I have been keeping myself distracted, I'm still getting intrusive memories but not flashbacks thankfully. It's been this way since my cervical examination, it stripped me right back, even though I was fine at the time mostly. Just thinking about I t sends my stomach into flips and me into panic, I feel ashamed because I handled it so well and she was proud of me and I ruined it like I always do. I'm angry at myself, but I know I should be kinder, I just find it hard.
"It is not the strength of the body that counts, but the strength of the spirit"
-J.R.R Tolkien
I also think you should be kinder to yourself but I know how hard that can be. You didn't 'ruin' anything, you reacted because you were hurting and it may have been an automatic reaction. You say your GP was understanding, would you be able to talk to her a bit more and see if you could be referred for therapy? I can understand that it must be difficult to trust people and be honest if you haven't been properly heard in the past but there are good people out there. Please take care.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
