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Old 12-01-2019, 07:53 PM   #1121
one_step_closer
The Shadow of the Day
 
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Join Date: Oct 2004
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I don't even know what unwell means. I feel like I am unwell most of the time because of battling emotions etc but that's not 'acutely' unwell. People most likely wouldn't describe me as unwell when I'm functioning. I really don't know how to categorise unwell and its various levels. It's not really my say if I'm well or unwell anyway, it always comes down to the views of professionals. Last night was mega hard and I did think I have recently reached a place where I'm struggling more but I managed to build a bookcase today so that doesn't equal struggling. I'm just tired of existing and being judged by other people.

I found a list of well/unwell thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that I complied one of the times I was in hospital and there are a lot of 'tick that's happening now' in the list but it doesn't seem definite. It's so confusing. Part of me does feel like this might be a time where I should request a short admission but I really don't want that and I also have to consider how it would affect my brother.

Fuck knows the reality of things.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 12-01-2019, 09:58 PM   #1122
Soft Kitty
 
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Could you show your CPN the list and say you're not sure if you're unwell at the moment but the evidence is looking like you might be and that you need her advice?

Another way of thinking about it might be, could an admission help to change things a little bit, even if it's just in the short term? With any long-term illness, interventions don't usually cure things, but they can be valuable resources to change a situation a bit. I know you'll probably feel like you need to be stable for a long time after an admission but what if that expectation wasn't there? You could maybe just see how it went, and if there was some benefit then that's great, and if there wasn't, maybe there's something else to try.

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Old 13-01-2019, 07:25 PM   #1123
one_step_closer
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Thanks for your reply.

I feel kind of ashamed to show my CPN the list because I worry that she will challenge what I'm saying. For example, things with the men are going on right now and that is one of my supposed unwell things but it's not psychosis (according to me and the professionals) so sometimes people seem to think I'm just making things up or it's due to anxiety and I know the men aren't real. I hate when people tell me what I truly believe, it hurts that they doubt me.

I think short admissions for me are supposed to be kind of like a break, but hospital is not really a break, and they are there to hopefully avoid an emergency admission which might last longer. The thing is I've only had one planned admission before and many times people have said they think it's been a good time for me to have a short admission and I have said no thanks and I've still been ok enough to avoid an emergency admission so I obviously didn't need a short admission so how do I know when I actually do?

My brother is having a hard enough time as it is and I don't want to add to his stress. There are no solutions for either of us.

I'm going to try and phone my key worker tomorrow anyway because I need her advice about what to do about groups/social stuff since I'm finding it even more overwhelming to be around people and harder to moderate myself so I'm thinking about stopping going to groups etc.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-01-2019, 03:44 PM   #1124
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I'm feeling mega low. I was lying awake in bed last night thinking about how long it takes me to get to sleep and that sleep is the only sort of respite there is from life so I don't get much respite. I really wish I had never been born, there is no point to me.

Is anyone happy in life? If not then maybe we should destroy all humankind.

I've been getting anxious when I'm out thinking I should be paying close attention to everything in case a crime happens and I'm needed as an eyewitness. Also the past couple of days a security light on a house has been flashing and I've never seen it do that before. If I haven't seen it before then that means it's not a normal occurrence so someone should notice it and fix it. Since no one is noticing and fixing it it must be only me who can see it and it's some form of communication, probably from the men. I don't know what it means though. I try to walk home quickly because I feel so on edge.

I phoned my key worker about stopping going to groups etc and she said I can put them on hold for now and she's going to come and see me on Sunday to talk about it. There is so much in my head and I don't think I can express anything well enough. The pain in life is not worth carrying on with. Something needs to be sorted for my brother and then I can die. So, so depressed.


Last edited by one_step_closer : 14-01-2019 at 04:14 PM.




I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-01-2019, 06:56 PM   #1125
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Words fail to describe anything. I don't think I could speak or write anything that would make people truly understand how I feel. When I think I can't say much to my CPN I write things before my appointment, things that I have written here or in my diary, but they don't communicate anything in the context of the appointment either. My CPN doesn't hear me and I don't even hear myself really in the words on the paper.

This is torture, not life.

There are only two options - continue with the torture or kill myself. Things can't get better, I'm holding on for now but hoping when I'm told to get a job or whatever and things become way too much then I will kill myself. It's got to happen, I can't keep trying to tolerate things. I don't know what to do in order to cope or feel a bit better. There is nowhere I can hide from distressing emotions. There are no treatment options left either. A chemical support through meds would be amazing but I've tried so many antidepressants and my psychiatrist is anti meds in BPD anyway so he won't consider anything else.

It's scary that the only way out of this is through death. Really scary. Death is big. Death is final. Death might not be achieved after a suicide attempt. I'm trapped.

What the hell do I do?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-01-2019, 07:15 PM   #1126
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Would it be possible to ask for a second opinion on the medication? Although it's fair that your psych's personal position is anti meds, not everyone's will be. There are also different 'genres' of medication that might help more... not just with BPD but with often coexisting depression and anxiety. Life shouldn't be torture and it does seem like you need some extra help or treatment to move forwards. It might not make everything better but it might help. Even things that haven't worked before can suddenly work better when you try them again.

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Old 15-01-2019, 04:16 PM   #1127
one_step_closer
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Thanks for your reply.

The only other psychiatrist in my area is one I have seen before and have had issues with. They're going by the NICE guidelines anyway that say not to treat symptoms of BPD with meds. I am also diagnosed with depression and anxiety which is why I'm allowed an antidepressant, I'm on Fluoxetine just now and this is the third time I have tried it. Every other med I think I've only tried once but I don't know if it would be useful to try any of them again. The antidepressants I haven't been on are ones that are dangerous in an overdose so no one wants to put me on them.

I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow but I have no idea how to explain things. I have looked at my diary and at what I've written here hoping to just copy and paste some stuff but everything I've read doesn't seem to truly explain anything. I don't want to go to my appointment with nothing written because my mind will be blank and that is less communication obviously. I just don't know what to do. Sometimes bullet points work but then I don't get the chance to say more about what I have written if I don't take out what I have written at the beginning of the appointment. I feel like I would be being rude if my CPN starts speaking to me about something specific and then I said I have some things written down that I think are more important.

I don't know. I just don't know. No one can feel my pain and I don't think anyone can really empathise if they haven't felt like this before. Everything is absolutely hopeless and I know if I keep on living things will only get worse.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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