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Old 12-01-2019, 06:53 PM   #1121
one_step_closer
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I don't even know what unwell means. I feel like I am unwell most of the time because of battling emotions etc but that's not 'acutely' unwell. People most likely wouldn't describe me as unwell when I'm functioning. I really don't know how to categorise unwell and its various levels. It's not really my say if I'm well or unwell anyway, it always comes down to the views of professionals. Last night was mega hard and I did think I have recently reached a place where I'm struggling more but I managed to build a bookcase today so that doesn't equal struggling. I'm just tired of existing and being judged by other people.

I found a list of well/unwell thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that I complied one of the times I was in hospital and there are a lot of 'tick that's happening now' in the list but it doesn't seem definite. It's so confusing. Part of me does feel like this might be a time where I should request a short admission but I really don't want that and I also have to consider how it would affect my brother.

Fuck knows the reality of things.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 12-01-2019, 08:58 PM   #1122
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Could you show your CPN the list and say you're not sure if you're unwell at the moment but the evidence is looking like you might be and that you need her advice?

Another way of thinking about it might be, could an admission help to change things a little bit, even if it's just in the short term? With any long-term illness, interventions don't usually cure things, but they can be valuable resources to change a situation a bit. I know you'll probably feel like you need to be stable for a long time after an admission but what if that expectation wasn't there? You could maybe just see how it went, and if there was some benefit then that's great, and if there wasn't, maybe there's something else to try.

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Old 13-01-2019, 06:25 PM   #1123
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Thanks for your reply.

I feel kind of ashamed to show my CPN the list because I worry that she will challenge what I'm saying. For example, things with the men are going on right now and that is one of my supposed unwell things but it's not psychosis (according to me and the professionals) so sometimes people seem to think I'm just making things up or it's due to anxiety and I know the men aren't real. I hate when people tell me what I truly believe, it hurts that they doubt me.

I think short admissions for me are supposed to be kind of like a break, but hospital is not really a break, and they are there to hopefully avoid an emergency admission which might last longer. The thing is I've only had one planned admission before and many times people have said they think it's been a good time for me to have a short admission and I have said no thanks and I've still been ok enough to avoid an emergency admission so I obviously didn't need a short admission so how do I know when I actually do?

My brother is having a hard enough time as it is and I don't want to add to his stress. There are no solutions for either of us.

I'm going to try and phone my key worker tomorrow anyway because I need her advice about what to do about groups/social stuff since I'm finding it even more overwhelming to be around people and harder to moderate myself so I'm thinking about stopping going to groups etc.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-01-2019, 02:44 PM   #1124
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I'm feeling mega low. I was lying awake in bed last night thinking about how long it takes me to get to sleep and that sleep is the only sort of respite there is from life so I don't get much respite. I really wish I had never been born, there is no point to me.

Is anyone happy in life? If not then maybe we should destroy all humankind.

I've been getting anxious when I'm out thinking I should be paying close attention to everything in case a crime happens and I'm needed as an eyewitness. Also the past couple of days a security light on a house has been flashing and I've never seen it do that before. If I haven't seen it before then that means it's not a normal occurrence so someone should notice it and fix it. Since no one is noticing and fixing it it must be only me who can see it and it's some form of communication, probably from the men. I don't know what it means though. I try to walk home quickly because I feel so on edge.

I phoned my key worker about stopping going to groups etc and she said I can put them on hold for now and she's going to come and see me on Sunday to talk about it. There is so much in my head and I don't think I can express anything well enough. The pain in life is not worth carrying on with. Something needs to be sorted for my brother and then I can die. So, so depressed.


Last edited by one_step_closer : 14-01-2019 at 03:14 PM.




I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-01-2019, 05:56 PM   #1125
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Words fail to describe anything. I don't think I could speak or write anything that would make people truly understand how I feel. When I think I can't say much to my CPN I write things before my appointment, things that I have written here or in my diary, but they don't communicate anything in the context of the appointment either. My CPN doesn't hear me and I don't even hear myself really in the words on the paper.

This is torture, not life.

There are only two options - continue with the torture or kill myself. Things can't get better, I'm holding on for now but hoping when I'm told to get a job or whatever and things become way too much then I will kill myself. It's got to happen, I can't keep trying to tolerate things. I don't know what to do in order to cope or feel a bit better. There is nowhere I can hide from distressing emotions. There are no treatment options left either. A chemical support through meds would be amazing but I've tried so many antidepressants and my psychiatrist is anti meds in BPD anyway so he won't consider anything else.

It's scary that the only way out of this is through death. Really scary. Death is big. Death is final. Death might not be achieved after a suicide attempt. I'm trapped.

What the hell do I do?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-01-2019, 06:15 PM   #1126
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Would it be possible to ask for a second opinion on the medication? Although it's fair that your psych's personal position is anti meds, not everyone's will be. There are also different 'genres' of medication that might help more... not just with BPD but with often coexisting depression and anxiety. Life shouldn't be torture and it does seem like you need some extra help or treatment to move forwards. It might not make everything better but it might help. Even things that haven't worked before can suddenly work better when you try them again.

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Old 15-01-2019, 03:16 PM   #1127
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Thanks for your reply.

The only other psychiatrist in my area is one I have seen before and have had issues with. They're going by the NICE guidelines anyway that say not to treat symptoms of BPD with meds. I am also diagnosed with depression and anxiety which is why I'm allowed an antidepressant, I'm on Fluoxetine just now and this is the third time I have tried it. Every other med I think I've only tried once but I don't know if it would be useful to try any of them again. The antidepressants I haven't been on are ones that are dangerous in an overdose so no one wants to put me on them.

I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow but I have no idea how to explain things. I have looked at my diary and at what I've written here hoping to just copy and paste some stuff but everything I've read doesn't seem to truly explain anything. I don't want to go to my appointment with nothing written because my mind will be blank and that is less communication obviously. I just don't know what to do. Sometimes bullet points work but then I don't get the chance to say more about what I have written if I don't take out what I have written at the beginning of the appointment. I feel like I would be being rude if my CPN starts speaking to me about something specific and then I said I have some things written down that I think are more important.

I don't know. I just don't know. No one can feel my pain and I don't think anyone can really empathise if they haven't felt like this before. Everything is absolutely hopeless and I know if I keep on living things will only get worse.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 22-01-2019, 06:30 PM   #1128
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I don't think I can build up resilience to the things that go on in life. Battling with everything inside of myself every day is hard enough without the things that life will eventually throw at me. I'm so scared that life is just pain with little respite. Even when I'm trying to focus on the very here and now when I'm occupied or more relaxed or whatever I'm quickly punched in the face by knowing that feeling settled is very rare and soon things will be bad again, and that in the future there will be no escape from pressures other than through suicide.

I'm having lots of trouble sleeping mainly because I can't get comfy on my pillow and my neck is really sore which keeps me awake. That leads me to remember when I stayed in bed for 36 hours at a time or I wasn't getting up until the afternoon/evening at points and I'm terrified that will happen again. It's another thing I try to promise myself that I will kill myself over if it starts again rather than go through the hell it brought.

I would seriously delete myself right now if I could. When things get way too much I'm going to have to accept that my brother will be hurt by my death but will still need to kill myself. I'm terrified of everything. It's so scary that I'm going to either have to continue suffering or get suicide right. Absolutely terrifying.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 23-01-2019, 02:02 PM   #1129
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I'm so sensitive to other peoples pain, I think at times I can get overwhelmed with empathy which hurts more than how much the person I am empathising with is hurting. I take everything to the extreme. I wish I could stop people suffering, I'm so sorry for all the cruel things that happen in the world.

My CPN is thinking about referring me back to psychology if they will agree to it, to work on my self hate stuff etc, but how can I even allow myself to be kinder to myself when I know I don't deserve it? It would be good to be able to cope better with life and with my brother's issues but I'm full of barriers because I don't think I deserve things to ease especially if my brother is still suffering. I don't think there is a solution anyway. That's why I can only see the options of continued torture or death. I am 100% serious that I'm going to have to die if things get harder and it is mega scary because things probably will get harder at some point. There is no in between.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-01-2019, 05:59 PM   #1130
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I really feel like I am facing up to certain death before my 'time.' I don't know how to explain how much I don't want to have to struggle with additional things that will make life further hell. It might be best to just kill myself way before the additional things come, I should take that step, be brave. There is no other way to make this stop. I don't want any more torture. I am actually quite annoyed at my parents for producing me as stupid as that is. I have been made to live and now I am going to have to die because I am alive.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 31-01-2019, 06:10 PM   #1131
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I went out for chocolates yesterday evening. The guy scanned them and I felt terrible. Did he know they were for me? He deserves chocolates and I don't. I am selfish and greedy. I told myself I'd cut and then have chocolate but quickly felt like I couldn't cut. I'm useless. There is no point in me but I have been put on earth. I am a drain and I want to kill myself. I really need to die. I can't ever change the way I feel about myself because it's true that I'm an awful person who causes so much pain. I couldn't ever be a valuable person, I have nothing to offer and I can't seem to cope with the new things I do try. Am I going to have to breathe through this forever? It's hard to help myself through self harm because it feels like a great effort and reaching out to others for support is also a great effort because of needing to talk etc and then maybe being passed on to other people or being told to go to A&E. I'm so tired.

I'm not sure what the point of continuing to live is. My CPN said I seem to have bumpy times and then bigger dips. There's no real relief and rest. This is all absolutely pointless. Hopeless. There is no solution to my miserable battle and I don't even have to battle many things outside of myself. I hate me.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 31-01-2019, 08:21 PM   #1132
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So many people here don't hate you, myself included. We see what amazing things you not only have to offer, but do offer on here. I would trust you to care about people who needed caring about. I think so often in society we're taught that our worth comes from what job we do, how much money we earn. But there is so much beyond that and you're part of a crew that this world needs so much (though I mean no pressure). Sending warmth your way.

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Old 01-02-2019, 05:44 PM   #1133
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Thank you for your kind words.

I'm feeling really low and I wish I could overdose on X or fall asleep easily to get away from feeling shit. There isn't much that holds my interest or that I can be bothered doing. All I really want to do that is available to me is eat. When I was overdosing on X I didn't realise that it was actually a med that people did abuse. How do I get out? I need to do it chemically but taking drugs wouldn't be sensible and alcohol didn't make my Mum happy. I think X is expensive to just buy and I wouldn't be able to swallow enough anyway. I wish I had felt in a place where I could have communicated to my psychiatrist that my mood is often so low, when I had my appointment with him, but I rarely seem to be able to express my distress during appointed times. I wish something could be done antidepressant/other med wise to help me. This feels like a chemical thing wrong inside my brain, no amount of talking therapy and occupying myself will help. But meds don't seem to help either. Everything is hopeless.

I have a headache and I'm tired. I'm tired of the struggle to sleep and the struggle to live. I know things can only get much worse. I'm sorry but I don't want to continue living.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 02-02-2019, 05:44 PM   #1134
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I can't seem to find anything to occupy me that feels ok when I'm doing it. I am a bit lonely but people can be too much to handle.

There must be an exit button somewhere.

If I feel like this, imagine how much worse my brother must feel.

I miss the blade being my friend.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 04-02-2019, 03:47 PM   #1135
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I cut a bit yesterday. It was quite nice (sorry, sorry). When I was taking a fresh blade out of its wrapper it reminded me of Charlie opening a Wonka Bar. It also reminds me of my Mum's cigarette papers. It's not enough any more though and I can't find anything to replace self harm with because it's all about destroying myself and there are no not harmful ways to do that. I lack adequate pain tolerance.

I was going to the shop today and an old man tripped over a kerb in front of me. He was with his wife or someone who was also elderly and I helped her to get him back on his feet. I was scared to let go of his arm because he was a bit wobbly. It made me sad. Life is sad. Life is full of pain and distress. I questioned whether him falling was my fault, I haven't really been dwelling much on me causing big bad things to happen for a while but it has increased recently. Whether it was my fault or not I'm still sorry that he fell, I'm sorry that people have to suffer. I continued walking to the shop but felt like I needed to talk to someone because I was upset. I considered phoning to see if my key worker was in the office but one of the other workers was sitting on a bench next to the one where I would have made the phone call so I felt too uncomfortable to do it. I just made some repetitive noises and used my fidget cube a bit more. Why are we alive when life is full of fighting and struggle? What is the point? I can't take any more of my pain and I can't take any more of the worlds pain. I just want out. I am so hugely terrified that I might be trapped here until my body decides it's going to die and that will end up being a traumatic experience too.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 04-02-2019, 07:43 PM   #1136
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I don't have any advice but just want to say I really relate to what you've said there. I don't know what the answer is or what to do when things feel hopeless and pointless. Just want to say I understand.

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Old 06-02-2019, 06:34 PM   #1137
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Thanks NP.

I keep getting into a bit of a state acknowledging that at some point in the future I will have to face things I can't deal with, like work, and that I will either be trapped or will have to kill myself. It's so scary. There's no way these things won't happen. I try to think about things I'm doing now that I felt at one point I could never cope with but I can't even think of anything.

It's tinnitus week and some people have shared stories about how their tinnitus got worse. Now I'm scared. I thought my tinnitus would stay the way it is now for the rest of my life and I'm accepting of that and ok with it but I don't know how I'd cope if it got worse or changed in some way.

My dreams pretty much always involve mental illness and me trying to self harm, trying to kill myself, trying to ask for help, while doing my best to hide everything from my brother. It's exhausting and also upsetting because I want to be able to take these actions in reality without my brother finding out. I want to be free.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 07-02-2019, 04:31 PM   #1138
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I went to the gym group and had a nice time, they are a great bunch of people. Then I text my brother to see how he is and he's not good because he's had yet another job rejection so now I feel like absolute crap. I don't know how to not get caught up in my distress about what he goes through. I really do feel like I am his parent constantly worrying about him. How do parents cope when their children are not doing well? (This is a serious question if anyone has an answer). I would like to try and put his things to the side but it's not doing something active to help him. I'm not doing something active to help him when I'm feeling terrible thinking about what he's going through but at least we're both feeling terrible and I don't have an advantage over him. So tired of this connection and worry. I wish so much that we had other close family members to support us so I wouldn't feel like all the worry about him has to be held by me.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 07-02-2019, 06:30 PM   #1139
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I can't take this. There's no escape and there never will be except through death. I hate how I have chosen not to have children but I've been forced into a parent like relationship with my brother. My life has been defined by other people, controlled. I want to take back control and express things freely and then kill myself if I still want to do that. Fuck the life I've been forced into. Fuck life. It needs to end for good.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 08-02-2019, 12:08 PM   #1140
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You may have already answered this but does your brother still need parenting by you and does he want you to be parenting him? Have you sat down and spoken to your brother about how you feel?
I get it I do, at times I very much end up mothering my siblings but sometimes I do have to step back because me mothering them isn't in their best interests or mine.



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