Why me?? Why me??

[Alyona3054]

2016 is coming close to ending. With me saying this, I'm struggling to stay above waters. I'm at one of my all time lows. Self harm is getting increasingly worse. My anorexia is getting worse day by day. My suicidal thoughts (nah not bad, no plan to act on them 😊) are kinda just there at times. Everyday I wake up in physical and mental pain. I wonder will this be another day that I cut and possibly go too deep, will I eat today? Will I throw up? Will I make it through without crying? Will I be able to fight today and make it one more day longer?
The cutting and anorexia is an addiction straight up like a drug. You don't follow the craving...you feel like utter **** the next couple days till your body adjust or you break in and fall through the cracks. The minute I break through I hit rock bottom once again. I slash my arm with that razor blade wondering will I hit a vein? Will I need stitches? Will I cut too deep? The minute I break through and purge, or don't eat anything for a couple of days.
What I'm doing is killing me but sometimes in all reality I don't care if I die. At some points I rather it just be over so I don't have to keep fighting in pain on a daily basis. I did so well for four years, now why? I'm in this deep dark hole with no light at the end of the tunnel.
My body is screaming for help! Always cold, being sick, not handling water or food, the scars and open wounds on my body, my thoughts, my urges, it's all just too real. It's all a scream for help but here I sit pushing it away thinking it will go away. Well it hasn't gone away sadly. I want to reach out and talk and ask for someone to let me lean on them. I'm afraid. I'm scared. I ask for help but at the same time I want to run away and no body know anything and take all the past away. I reach out but when someone reaches to help me I push them away. I'm afraid.....I want to get better but I can't find the strength to do so. Sometimes I need that extra push without going over. Just a helping hand of guiding but not forcing. If that makes sense. Im really not okay. Im not okay. Even though I tell you I am okay, I'm not.
Some days I just want to give up, yet at the same time I want to fight till I drop. I feel nobody really understands what that is like when two complete opposites pull on you at the same time. "Then why ask for help if you want to give up?" Well because part of me wants to fight this!

[Kyaneos]

Hi there,

It sounds like you have an awful lot on your mind right now and things are very difficult.

What I am hearing is that you still want to fight, even if some days you don't. I think many people here can relate to the opposites pulling situation you descibe. It is very difficult and not to mention exhausting.

I wonder, do you have any kind of support in your life right now, whether that be professional or from friends/family? I know that sometimes you want help and others you want to give up, and I think that is very normal. It might be worth trying to write down the reasons you DO want to fight when you are in the fighting mood, and keep them close, so next time you feel like giving up you can look at them and remind yourself.

[Johnboy]

Keep fighting Kayla, don't give up. Praying for you xx

[Too Shy]

How are you doing since you lasted posted?

As Kyaneos said, it really does come across how much you want to fight, even when everything in your head is telling you to give up. And that is really, really positive, but it can be so so draining.

Has anything happening recently to make things feel worse at the moment? You say you did really well for four years, can you identify what happened to keep things going well during that time?

What kind of support are you getting for your mood, self-harm and the anorexia? It is very difficult to get through this alone, so it is really important that you talk to someone about these thoughts.

x