so ive been kinda ill lately, and to depressed to bother making food.
and i made the mistake of getting on the scale this morning. and I lost a few pounds.
so now my mind is going, you can lose more. you can restrict. hunger pangs can substitute cuts, itll be harder for alex to notice. exercise till your heart rate goes dangerously high (i have had problems with tachycardia before)
I shouldnt be like this but the truth is that based on bmi, i have become overweight. my reflection disgusts me. and now that ive quit drinking as mich as i was, its easier to restrict... i dont get drunk and forget and pig out on junk.
so i cant help it, im back to weighing myself 2x a day. if it isnt lower every morning i hate myself.
whenever food goes into my mouth i feel like a failure.
i feel like im going to be this fat disgusting pig forever.
and you might ask "were you happier when you were restricting/lower weight?" and honestly i WAS.
medical issue made me stop exercising and had me in bed for a couple months but i feel like i should have done more to keep my weight in check.
why cant i ever find a medium?
im always either restricting or binging, often without purging because i sustained a severe life threatening condition from purging (bilateral vertebral dissection) and now am somewhat emetaphobic. or however you spell it.
i wish there was some thing that just measured your appetite and determined ideal weight and created a tasty, fillunf food item that would keep you at a perfect level. no giving up deliciousness, no feeling hungry, no getting fat.
oh what a lovely dream.
I don't even care if it ends up being soylent green, and thats coming from a vegetarian!
i wish i could afford liposuction. itd be so damn much easier.
