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Old 24-01-2018, 04:48 PM   #21
Aubergine
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Curled up with kitten sounds nice. Well done for putting the shopping away - I'm glad you've got some food in. Do you think you could eat something small and quick/easy to prepare? Shower and clean pyjamas sounds lovely. I know I always feel a bit better when I'm nice and fresh.



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Old 24-01-2018, 04:57 PM   #22
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Putting the shopping away is one thing down, well done. It can be quite an effort to even do that sometimes. I find that a lot of the time once I start doing something it gets a bit easier and I can continue with it. Don't push yourself too much though if it's not going to benefit you. And take lots of breaks to have kitten cuddles!





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 25-01-2018, 01:47 PM   #23
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Thanks. Managed to clean the kitchen but still in pjs. I don’t know what to do with myself. I came really close to self harming last night for the first time since October. I’ve text my CC but no reply yet. Not even sure what I would say to her if she did call. I’ll just sound like a broken record and there’s nothing she can do.





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Old 25-01-2018, 05:59 PM   #24
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Well done with cleaning the kitchen. Did your CC get back to you? Maybe there's not much people can do right now but it can help to talk through things at least.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 25-01-2018, 07:43 PM   #25
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My CC just turned up at my flat around 4.30 without warning. Think she wanted to see what state it was in. I was still in same top from Monday and pj bottoms but had luckily cleaned because my friend was bringing her daughter round. We couldn’t really talk because friend and her six year old were here but CC took me outside for a cigarette and said she’d like to see me tomorrow afternoon.

Thanks for replying Lindsey x





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Old 25-01-2018, 07:54 PM   #26
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Will your CC be coming to your flat tomorrow or are you going to her? Hope it helps to have a chat. Do you have anything planned for this evening?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 25-01-2018, 11:46 PM   #27
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I’m going to her. Really struggling tonight. Don’t want to die as such but surely an OD wouldn’t be so bad? Not OD’d since 2011. Self harm just doesn’t feel it be enough though. So so sad.





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Old 26-01-2018, 12:20 AM   #28
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Tried to talk to my friend and she just said ‘well you were fine earlier’. I wasn’t. I was trying so hard to be because of her six year old. Now feel more alone.





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Old 26-01-2018, 04:43 PM   #29
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Sorry you were feeling so bad last night. How are you doing today? Are there any other people you can reach out to when you feel like that? I know that it can seem like self harming or ODing is something that you could consider doing but I think that in the end it is never really worth it. Hope you're feeling better and your CC appointment went well.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 26-01-2018, 05:27 PM   #30
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Thanks Lindsey. Walked the half an hour to CMHT to try and get some exercise. Got there and my CC had been called out on an emergency, which is completely understandable but nobody had thought to tell me and I just burst into tears and couldn’t stop crying. In the end a CPN came down and spoke to me which was kind but not really helpful. Walked home and now just sat crying. I’m sick of being so sad.





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Old 26-01-2018, 07:45 PM   #31
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It's a shame you didn't manage to see your CC. Will she phone you next week to rearrange? I know that when you're sad it can feel so swamping and lots of things don't help. I hope you can at least be patient with yourself and that this passes quickly. Is there anything that eases the sadness a bit?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 26-01-2018, 08:01 PM   #32
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Thanks Lindsey. Small amounts of time with friends helps but that’s difficult at the moment without my car because they’re all in different towns. My CC phoned me at 4.30 and talked to me for 20mins. It helped to just talk to someone I know that isn’t emotionally involved. She’s coming round on Monday. Really not looking forward to work tomorrow. Doing the 3-10, then sleep in, then 8-5. It will be two hours travel each way on public transport. Thankfully my friend has said she will look after my cat for me and take me to the train station which will save a half an hour walk. I’ll prob eat lunch with her too. I need to shower today because of work tomorrow. And I need to eat something and most definitely not self harm.





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Old 26-01-2018, 10:40 PM   #33
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Hey Emma. (I hope it's OK to call you that.)


I'm glad that your CC phoned you and that talking to her was helpful. I know what you mean about talking to someone who's not emotionally involved; I find that too. Did she have any suggestions on how to get through until you see her on Monday?


I remember those shifts. They're really tough. Do you have to go, or could you call in sick? There's no shame in not being able to work just now - you've got enough to cope with with being unwell, without adding work on top. Or do you think it will be a good distraction?


Have you managed to shower and eat something?


It's really nice to see you in the distraction thread. :)



“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.

This isn't everything you are.


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Old 26-01-2018, 11:00 PM   #34
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Thanks Aubergine- Emma is fine

CC and I agreed that work might be distracting and if nothing else then it will keep me safe as obviously I won’t self harm or anything at work. Im shift coordinating as well so I can get other people to give the meds etc. My Dad has said he will pick me up on Sunday as well so just have to get there. In three years I’ve managed to avoid all sleep ins and split shifts apart from two on a client holiday so I guess it’s only fair I do one now when they’re so short staffed. I really don’t want to though.

I’ve eaten but still not showered. Work will also force me to do that though I guess. I know it’s gross but I couldn’t actually tell you the last day I showered :-/.

My friend is calling me when she gets home to check in and help with taking meds and going to bed so hopefully that will help me. I know it’s stupid but I’m genuinely quite worried about getting the train tomorrow. My suicidal thoughts centre around trains and whilst I’m sure it will be fine I don’t want to get really upset and triggered, especially before work.





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Old 26-01-2018, 11:11 PM   #35
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I can understand work being a distraction. I'm really glad that your Dad is going to pick you up.


I don't know how big the stations you're using are, but could you book passenger assistance for your journey there? I did that once and they were really helpful, and I've also found places with a national rail office mobility service good - they've helped me through safely before, without anything becoming a disaster. If your stations are too small, can someone be on the telephone with you whilst you travel? I know my Mum has done that for me in the past. I know your Mum is not really in a position to do that, but perhaps a friend? Or another family member?


Really well done for eating. I hope you had a cheese burger and that it was nice. I can understand the shower thing. I think I must have really whiffed when I was a work last week! I think it's really good that work will force you to shower though. Perhaps you will feel a bit better when you feel fresh? I know it can seem like such a gargantuan effort to get went and dry again, but if it helps, it'll be worth it.



“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.

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Old 26-01-2018, 11:29 PM   #36
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Thanks Aubergine. I feel like I should be able to manage stations by myself. I will probably by constantly texting a friend. My CC also said, despite it being a weekend, that I could phone her tomorrow if I need to. I probably won’t but it’s nice to have the option.

Hoping showering will make me feel a bit brighter. I’m feeling really low tonight, like that almost physical, consuming feeling. In bed now watching law and order but not ready to sleep.





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Old 26-01-2018, 11:44 PM   #37
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I can understand that you feel as though you should be able to manage the stations yourself, and it really is admirable how independent you are, but it's there to be used if people need it. Something to think about, if not for tomorrow, for future train journeys. I'm really glad that you have a friend you can text and it's good that you've got the option of calling your CC. I think sometimes just knowing the option is there can be reassuring and kind of take the pressure off, even if you don't take it.


I haven't been depressed for a long time, but I do know that horrible physical feeling. I really feel for you, though don't have much advice. Hopefully the medication will kick in soon and you'll start to feel better. I found medication to be really helpful, especially for the physical, consuming feeling that you mention. It's hard, but remember that this is definitely not permanent. It will pass and you will feel yourself again. Keep on keeping on. We're here.



“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.

This isn't everything you are.


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Old 27-01-2018, 02:00 PM   #38
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I hope work goes OK today over the next couple of days, Emma.



“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.

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Old 27-01-2018, 03:06 PM   #39
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Thanks Aubergine. Currently sat waiting for second train. Struggling not to cry.





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Old 27-01-2018, 04:11 PM   #40
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Hey. I'm really sorry that I missed this. Hope you got to work safely. Thinking of you.



“Our defeats are softened and our victories are sweetened because we did it together.” - Toby Ziegler.

This isn't everything you are.


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