Graphic - Supposed to be the strong one...

[-Shae-Lynn*]

I broke up with my fiance and less than 5 hours later he jumped off the balcony of our apartment.

This was a week ago.

He survived the fall but broke a bunch of bones and had a lot of internal bleeding. He should make a full recovery, physically at least.

I know that the break was my idea and that I caused all of this but I'm still hurting. I was packing up my stuff from the apartment and I had to take a lot of stuff because "it'll make him sad..." or because "he's not strong enough to handle that being here..."

Why does he get a free pass? Why does everyone think that he is so weak and I am so strong? I'm not.

I want to cut. I want to cut so deeply that it doesn't stop until there is no blood left. I want to OD on everything that I can find so that I don't wake up.

I wanted to fight. I wanted to get better. I wanted to move forwards and have a real life. I'm too tired now. I'm tired and I don't want to fight. I'm not *strong* and I don't want to fake it anymore. I've been barely holding on, barely treading water, for the past week. I've had to actively keep my thoughts away from planning to kill myself or else I slip into very negative thinking.

I can't continue like this.

I don't want to.

Today is my 21st birthday. Birthdays are supposed to be a celebration of your life and starting a new year. The last three years within a week before my birthday I was released from the psych ward... This year was no exception.

I cannot fight the demons in my head any longer. I want out.

But alas, that is not an option because I'm the "strong" one. Right...

[Wonderland.]

Hun,

Please try not to blame yourself for his actions, he might have felt like there was no other option but thats what he chose to do, he could've asked for support as you are doing but he didn't choose to do so. Thats not your fault.

I'm sorry that your birthday hasn't been a good one... a birthdays just one day you can have a good time when you are feeling more upto it. It doesn't have to be on that set day.

You say you are not strong but I think it takes strength to post on here and tell us how bad you're feeling. You may are clearly struggling and going through a very tough time but that does not make you a weak person at all.

Is there anyone in real life that knows how bad you are feeling?

Take care.
Amy x

[metal_fiddler]

I am really proud of you for staying So very strong even if you dont always feel it on the inside. You are not to blame or at fault for the actions your fiance took, they were no fair to you or himself yet he doesnt deserve blame eiother he was just unasble to see other options at the time. Break ups happen especially in early 20 s yet they are an extremely important part of life its just really sad he was unable to face this.

Dont try and deal with this(his situation or your own) alone, im glad you reached out here as it must be extremely difficult to reach out and to deal with this, and i can see you are having a hard time. i send you thousands of hugs

Sorry your Birthdays havebeen so hard. You mentioned you had been in the psych ward in the past? Are you seeing a therapist or a counsellor?
i think if you are having such dark and scary thoughts you need to tell someone in the psych or medical field so they can help you deal with this, like i said you shouldnt face this alone.

Please continue to be the resilient person you have been so far, get help( you dont have to portray the image of the strong one,.... no one should faukt you for seeking help, if they do,they are asses) Stay safe and take care. You can do this, you can prevail!

[PassedExpectations]

how are you doing? i agree with what others have said. *BIG HUGS* make sure that you are taking care of yourself right now.