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surrender
"never surrender, there's always hope for a new day. always remember life will find a way." - Surrender by In This Moment
i was listening to this new song i just bought by in this moment and it really hit me that i wish i could live by these words. they're so inspiring..but i feel that i will ultimantly surrender to my pain.
so i've been gone for a few weeks because my best friend is having her birthday party on dec 15 and i have to wear a dress to the party, which would require bare arms...and i sometimes have found this board to be triggering for me...so i needed to just get away for awile and let my wounds heal in time for the party with out creating any new ones. in the past few weeks a lot has happened, i've been working harder on my portfolio and college apps and i turned 18...through all this i've temporarly stopped si. so far, i've been good about it. every day and every minuet of everyday has been a struggle...but when i think about my best friend and how she deserves the best day on her bday and bday party day...i know i have to resist any urge. i'm shocked and somewhat proud of myself that i've made it this far in the past two weeks or so w/o cutting. though i think about it pretty much every minuet, i have found away to suppress the urges.. i've buried my self even more in my work and in my art. college applications seem to be the only thing that i have time for any more. and right around the corner is finals.
i bought this song today with excitement ...i love the band and didn't realize there was a new single released today! when i listened to it the first time i almost broke down in tears...i felt like my best friend was speaking to me. she always wants me to be happy, she always wants me to remember that my life will find its way. the lyrics were as if my friend was asking me to be strong. i know that at this point in my life, healing will not happen for me without my focus on doing it for my friend. she deserves to be happy, and i hate it when my problems make her sad. i will focus myself for her, so that i can come to her party without being to paranoid about fresh wounds. i can cover the scars for her, though i am no longer ashamed. i have accepted my problem. but for my bestfriend, i will work hard to never surrender. she is the only person that keeps me alive.
"never surrender, there's always hope for a new day. always remember, life will find a way."
for elora...i'll try hard to not surrender.
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