So, I've come back...

[~phoenix~]

It's been a few years. And oh, how I wish I could be back under happier circumstances. But right now, it feels as though my world is falling apart.

A little under a month ago, my older brother's health took a turn for the worse. He was bleeding from every possible orifice, and as we had not long prior had news that the latest treatment for his cancer wasn't working, we feared the worst. We were told he had a matter of days left.

The next day, he passed away. We spent years joking about having a psychic link, the first suspicion having been fully raised when I started getting antsy about the same time he had his motorbike crash, 13 years ago. Oh god, how I wish I didn't remember telling Mum he should have been back for his medication half an hour ago, just for the phone to ring five minutes later to tell us he'd been in a serious crash. This time? I'd had the phone call to say he was in hospital just as I'd got on the bus into town after a night shift. I couldn't explain my unwillingness to sleep to my best friend. The idea just evaded me entirely. And as I tried to phone at 1:50 on the day he died, my phone told me I was out of credit, that I needed to top up. It was 2pm by the time I got through to any of my family, for my mother to tell me that he had passed away ten minutes beforehand.

It sounds selfish, but I'm feeling so frustrated by my family in the aftermath. The only member of my family who has checked up on me has been my younger brother. My parents haven't once phoned to check I'm okay, ignoring the fact that I was the only one of my siblings who was still in contact with my brother. Instead, I've been expected to put on a brave face. Been expected to have choices about whether or not my son was allowed to go to the funeral dictated to me. Been subjected to hearing how hard my sister is taking it, despite the fact she cut all ties, or my younger brother's guilt over the fact he didn't know how ill our brother was. I spent months telling him. And now I'm just left with nothing but bitterness about how my family has treated my brother, nothing but anger, and that nagging disbelief that he's really gone. It's not sinking in. Not properly.

I wish my first post back could be on happier terms. But it's not. It's really not.

[Sketchy]

I wish I could say something useful. I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry you are not being checked up on. I know how important it is to have people around when grieving, because grief is such a horrible lonely experience.
I'm here if you want to talk.

[Margo]

Hey Kim it's Matthew. I'm sorry about your brother. Must be awful.

I guess your family are just so grief filled that it's probably not crossed their mind to check on you. I don't think people in times of grief think of all the things that need to be done except that which is immediate relating to the death.

I think anger is one of the natural feelings when these things happen. Don't feel bad about how you feel. They are your feelings to own.

Be supportive but also don't bury your head and clam up about how you feel. You have as much right to grieve and show your grief.

On a separate note I wonder if you're crap at showing how you feel? I know I am and I know,from years of being here, that many who use this site are too. It's one of the reasons we end up doing what we do. Silent screaming and all that. Sometimes, what we feel are above ours pourings of emotion, are often subtle or cryptic attempts that go unseen.

Families have failings. They are meant to be there for us and understand us no matter what but they often **** up.

Jeep with people who keep you level and secure. Remember your brother for the reasons you love him and the rest will come into place I am sure.

Love Matthew xxx

[bitomato]

Hugs. Like Margo said anger is normal.
It can be frustrating to think about how people treated your brother in life, but unfortunately that is their issue in terms of the guilt etc they are feeling now. Be kind to yourself, and try to be as supportive as you can to your son attending the funeral. Sometimes the conversation will have to go on about grief as kids process these things differently.
This journey through grief will be a very personal one for you. If you are not getting counseling, some funeral homes offer it. Possibly look into getting support for your son too.

It is amazing the connection you had with your sibling and no one can take the memories away from you. They seem to be negative psychic events- but were there ever positive ones? My interpretation is that it gave you more resilience to deal with the news having already "known" on some level when your brother was in trouble. It doesn't make it easier, but there may be moments where your brother wants to tell you he is okay now and no longer in pain. I hope that you will be open to those emotions and allow yourself to heal.

[GrimmFaerieTale]

Hey. Wow, this sounds like such a difficult situation for you and I'm so sorry this is all going on for you. But I'm glad you feel you've got somewhere to talk openly and honestly and I really hope you can find some support here xxx

[Ash*]

Hey Kim,

How you feeling about everything now?

I'm not really the most coherent at the moment, but if you ever want to drop me a message on Facebook feel free. Even if it's just for a rant.

You have been so strong, for so long.

I hope you're okay.

Much love

xxx