confused *triggering* *suicide*

[posterboxromance]

I just need to talk. I don't know what to do anymore. Long story short my parents pay my therapist because I can't afford to.

A couple weeks ago it seemed like my therapist turned on me. She told me that I was a brat and essentially a bad person. She did this two different sessions. She pushed so hard that I wasn't sure if I wanted to live anymore when she was done talking to me. I couldn't get a word in edgewise and figured she didn't care.

Apparently my parents aren't happy because im not "making enough progress". I have been doing stuff this week that I haven't done in a long time and she kept nagging me about how I don't do the stuff even after I said I do now. Ever since she pushed me so hard i'm leery of her. I don't know if shes going to snap at me or when.

She told me that I could start my business but now shes just teling me to get a job. I'm beyond confused. I get that she wants me to be out more but I can't afford it right now. She got mad at me today when I wouldn't back down about how I am doing better and I wasn't willing to play her game so she hung up on me. I don't feel like I know whats real and whats not. And today I was not willing to let her push me so hard that I would be suicidal again.

I thought I was supposed to get a job I could physically do (had two before but I couldn't physically do either so I quit one and the other was temporary so it ended after a week.

I don't know what im going to do. I feel so lost and betrayed. I'm thinking maybe il start working with her again when I can afford to pay her myself and only then. But im in a city where I know very few people since I haven't been here too long and really have no support system. I have to call her back "when im ready to have a conversation with her". I'm afraid of what shes going to say. If you read this thanks it's insanely long.

I love this smiley.

[Margo]

Sometimes therapy is hard and challenging. I had a hard time last autumn where I was ready to quit therapy but I'm so glad I didn't. It proved to be a very valuable experience.

What your therapist said sounds harsh and unprofessional. Are you sure you took what they said in the right context? It is easy to misinterpret when we're vulnerable and sensitive.

I am not a fan of distance therapy either via phone or email. When not face to face I fear that a lot gets lost in translation and misinterpretation ensues. I've had this via email where I've totally incorrectly assessed what's been said.

My therapist doesnt like it either and refrains from lengthy distance discussion.

If you can see them face to face then do so. If this means less frequent sessions then perhaps that's the way it needs to be? If face to face is impossible then could you Skype or FaceTime? I believe it's important to see body language and receive it.

If you feel there is no loss of translation and your therapist is frustrated with you then perhaps it is time to find another.

What ever you choose don't do anything hasty. Talk to your parents and examine what's been said. Ask if you could have misread the situation.

Good luck

[Gaiaphage]

I'm sorry it seems she was so harsh on you,and that she has said things that were painful to hear. Like Margo said though, sometimes we can take things the wrong way or out of context when not face-to-face with someone, especially when we are vulnerable. Would this be something you feel you could raise with her?

Could you maybe make a list or diary of the things you are doing now and write a little bit about each of them, why you weren't able to do them before and how you've managed to start them again? Then you've got something already down and ready to share with her if she says again that you aren't doing things xxx