Thanks for the kind words everyone from last night.
The Xanax got me to sleep, but I really don't feel much better this morning.
My housemate raised the possibility that I might be coming out of the depression - hence the suicidality ... but the thought patterns don't quite seem to fit.
Meh, I don't know.
*hugs everyone then crawls into a deep, dark hole*
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
*sneaks into the denial tent and cuddles Helen, then sneaks back outside and curls up in a corner and starts crying*
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
*cuddles into Helen*
*keeps crying but wishes she could stop*
I hope it'll be okay Hels, I really do ... I just want all the ***** to stop ....
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
The appt went alright... I was so terribly anxious the entire time it felt like I was going to throw up... couldn't stop moving. My NP had never seen me that way before and I've been going to her for 4 years. It was awful. But I'm not going into hospital (yet anyway :-S) and we're stopping the Depakote because that's what has seemed to make me so anxious lately. *shrug* It was a guess on my part but what isn't in the medical model? (at least, for me)
Ate a small supper last night when we got back - we left at 5:15 for a 6 o'clock appt, got home around 8:15 and in bed by nine!! which is EXTREMELY late for us. So I am tired, Jarrod is tired, and it's going to be a long day for us too. Thankfully he will have caffeine handy and won't have to be driving in the rain/dark (which it was [both] last night). Yuckie.
So I'm glad that I don't have to go to hospital... but I hate that I'm so... I don't know, well, anxious. And wanting to cut, and feeling unsafe, and all of that ****. I just want it to go away!! :( I want myself to disappear... I don't want to live anymore.
*hides*
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
*Hugs ward*
I'm so sorry everyone is feeling so flat and low:( I wish I knew how to make things all better * Sprinkles majickal Faerie dust * maybe that will help , we can hope .
Ugh I have almost NO privacy at my folks , I'm alone this evening until tommorow afternoon , I am almost sure I'll S.I. tonight .
Anxious and Flat , sorry.
I'm still not comfortable in my skin and the anasthetic's slowly wearing thin - Otep
Everyones lost but me! - Indiana Jones
It's okay , they know me here .
Kahlia1981 is my adopted little sister :)
''Courage doesn't always roar , sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow"
Awh Mark, I'm sorry that you feel so shitty. :( *curls up next to* Please keep fighting the SI urges... you can fight them, I know that you can... and if you do SI please try and keep it not too serious, 'kay? *hugs tightly* I don't want anything bad to happen to you... I'm worried about you.
Hels, Kahlia, LauraStar, Crimson, Hayley, how are you guys?? *group huggle*
Just got back from breakfast out with a professor friend/mentor of mine... it was short but I feel awesome (well, part of me does :-S) because I had some books that she might use for a course next year!! :D That makes me so happy. I mean, I am still miserable and shitty and want to die (so so badly) but... at least I helped her some. :)
I am contemplating SI'ing... need to get some schoolwork done prior to that though... ugh. I feel so ****ing STUPID. And yeh, I know it sounds dumb, putting off SI until schoolwork is over, but it works...
Just a question, and I don't know if any of you will know the answer, but why was this site called "RuinYourLife" for awhile? that's not a very positive or healthy name for a supportive site. :-/
*hides*
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
April, I'm glad you're not having to go to hospital but I'm sorry you're still so anxious and whatnot. When this place was called RuinYourLife, it wasn't really exactly supportive or promoting recovery in those days really. For self harmers to post & stuff. Or something like that anyway. Not that I was around in those days :p I didn't get here til just after v3 came out =)
I'm struggling, I feel really stressed out and stuff :/ Surprised haven't done anything so far. But I'm strong I guess. I wish it was Thursday so I could see my Dad (and his partner on this occasion) :'( Normally see him Wednesday nights & every other Sunday but his new car isn't allowed to be out on the roads til tomorrow. >.> Wanted to see my friend today, as we usually meet on Wednesdays but haven't recently. She's busy but starts her Easter holidays tomorrow, so get to spend some time with her next week etc =D Wouldn't be very good company right now I expect. Just ready to explode. I need to ****ing cry. I also need to do bad things. Oh well. Struggle away...
Need my best friend. Not necessarily for support, just want her around. Feel better then. She's struggling too though :( Plus she's not been well, so haven't spoken to her online since early hours of Saturday. Have spoken a bit via texts over last few days but they've been less amount of texts too. She was hoping to be online today but as she's got a bad back, I doubt it. We shall see.....
*Hugs April* Thanks for worrying about me but the important thing is to look after YOU. I know it's the same advice you gave me but fight that urge and if you have to S.I. keep it safe please . I'm worried about you too. I'm glad you didn't have to go to hospital .
*Hugs Helen* You're not whineing at all mate , thats why we're here to listen and give support , I'm afraid I am lacking in supportive words , I can't find them . Here have an extra hug *HUGS Helen*
Last edited by Doikers : 31-03-2010 at 04:07 PM.
Reason: to add a line.
I'm still not comfortable in my skin and the anasthetic's slowly wearing thin - Otep
Everyones lost but me! - Indiana Jones
It's okay , they know me here .
Kahlia1981 is my adopted little sister :)
''Courage doesn't always roar , sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow"
Well I was going to update here but it turned into a rant since I'm frustrated and such so I moved what I wrote to my r/v thread...
How is everyone else?
I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
*chuckles!*
mark, when you hugged the ward, did the walls grow arms and huggle you back?! ....ok I know that's not what you meant, but that's the picture that I had in my mind! *huggles Mark* lack of privavcy can suck when you've been so used to it - its only temporary though, chin up!
*huggles Helen* you don't whine, and if you do then I don't notice it as whining, so don't you worry bout it. Here is the place where we can air our feelings and not be judged or what not. Hope things start to improve for you soon and that your best mate feels better soon for both your sakes.
*huggles April* I'm so glad that you made it to your NP's appointment by yourself and that you're trying something (or rather cutting it out) to hopefully ease the anxiety. As for not SI'ing til you've done your school work, I don't think that sounds stupid, I think its a good distraction from SI and in some sort of way motivational for you to get your schoolwork done. But think of it like an extended 15minute game, if you can do your school work without SI'ing, then perhaps see if you can make it through another task such as eating dinner, etc?
*huggles Kahlia* don't loose heart, I wish I could tell you why you were feeling the way you are, if its depression lifting or what not, but I've less of an idea than the psychology students. All I can say is that mental health illnesses seem to differ slightly from one person to the next and so what you're feeling is....well, shitty and horrid....but they are feelings and emotions that won't stay around for ever - what's our motto?! * shouts in cheery voice* "IT CAN'T RAIN ALL THE TIME!"
*huggles Crimson* well done on yesterday's decluttering and all that you'd done before that. I love a good ol clear out, good for the mind, body and accomodation. It's just getting the motivation to start, but once started I get the bug!
*huggles Laura* missed out on individual replies on my previous posts when I wasn't up to it, but just cos you've not posted since I was on here, doesn't mean you get out of individual huggles!
*goes round peeking in all the hiding places in the ward for secret inmates in need of individual huggles*
*takes Puppy Sinclair outside to do his...stuff... whislt visiting smoking shelter*
"All battles in life serve to teach us something, even the battles we lose"
"There are moments in life when the only possible option is to lose control"
ooh Crimson, just read your rant. No wonder you needed to have a rant! I'm with you and your hubby on this matter. Stick to your guns and ignore the idiots (polite word can be subsituted with word of your choice!) *extra special huggles*
"All battles in life serve to teach us something, even the battles we lose"
"There are moments in life when the only possible option is to lose control"
*huggles Hayley*
Yeah me too but if I don't limit it and only do a certain amount at a time I go overboard and burn out on it lol.
I'm up to 3 garbage bags of stuff to donate now though (and the bag of stuff I have J for her little one). It's so odd having an infant in the house again though.. today I had to get an espresso cuz I kept waking up with the little one last night lol
I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
I had more to say on the matter but if I kept going on that I'd never get work done today lol.
I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
*cuddles april* Im glad u didnt have to go to the hospital. And its not stupid to put of SI until you do something else, its a distraction so maybe the urges will pass or lessen, plus, SI can be draining so u may not get anything done if u do that first (But please try not to do it at all..)
*hugs mark* lack of privacy sucks.. Try not to SI, I know its hard.
*hugs helen* you are not whining, and if u r its okay b/c we all vent about things here. I hope that you and ur friends are alright. And you are a strong person.
*hugs hayley* Thanks for the individual hugs! lol. How r u today?
*hugs kahlia and crimson*
I want to SI. I want to get rid of every part of me that feels anything at all. Im so tired of feeling torn between thoughts in my head. I want to make it stop. But im not sure it ever will really. Maybe im just being stupid..
<3
forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past - buddy wakefield
