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Please help me
I am new to this forum and I really need help. I feel like I am going crazy. I harm myself both intentionally and unintentionally. I don't want to harm myself, but some times I get really, really depressed and I am start to cut my wrist and I can't resist the urge, some times I do. Some times when someone starts to get me really sad, annoyed, angry or mad, I start scratching myself unintentionally. I've pulled out my hair from when this emotion or feeling is triggered, and I wasn't able to control myself. I didn't even feel any pain, until I go back to my normal state and I start to feel the pain from the scratches I've inflicted on myself. I don't know what causes me to harm myself.
I am almost 21 years old. I've been bullied in the past, from when I was 7 to 14 years old. I don't really remember what exactly happened, but I remember things like being pushed onto the group and getting jumped and trampled on, getting scratched on my face and being called "fat" and "ugly". I do have an issue with my self-esteem, but I don't think this is related to my confidence and I am really confident at some things, such as singing and doing maths, both which I don't think I am really good at, but am confident about doing. On certain days I feel ugly, but on some days I look at myself in the mirror and feel confident about my looks, which I feel is normal amongst girls.
I have always believed truly and deeply in the meaning of love. I was saving my virginity for the time I fall in love with someone, when I know the love is mutual. Unfortunately I messed up and had sex with a guy when I was drunk, simply because I was drunk and he told me I could sleep on his bed. I was really naive, and I took that as literally sleeping on his bed. This happened a few times more when I was drunk, and I always wake up feeling hurt and disgusted by my own actions. Also I would like to mention I was (and still am) in love with a guy I met through the internet who I've been speaking to for more than 2 years, almost on a daily basis. He felt the same but when I told him what happened, he got really mad at first, and now we still speak but he doesn't feel like he loves me any more. Recently I told him I cut myself, and he said he would never have sex with crazy, when I messaged him while I was really drunk, apologising and telling him that I love him. Everyday I blame myself over what has happened, and I wish someone would come up and tell me to end my life because I am junk. I blame myself for the fact that I did things that I didn't believe in, and I hate myself even more with each passing day. I wish I could relive my life, or undo things, and the fact that I can't makes me so, so depressed.
For a really long time, probably since I was 14, I started to have feelings of suicide. I've attempted suicide thrice I think, and each time my parents stop me. I don't live with them anymore since I am doing university in another continent, and I miss home so much and wish I could go back home, and undo things. Also a lot of times I feel like I am missing a soul, and life is simply not worth living. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to.
I am not sure if this is what causes me to harm myself. I have really good friends now and even though I don't contact my parents as much anymore, I had really good relationships with both my mum and dad as well as my sister. I think my first instance of self-harm was when I was 6, when my mum scolded me and I remember telling myself why did I make my mum sad, and I hit myself. Please help me. I am begging for something, some help. It's tiring to feel like I'm crazy. Also, thanks in advance.
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