Hi,
Feeling rubbish today. Want to curl up and cry. No obvious reason why I feel as I do.
Could really do with a hug.
At work trying to concentrate but have very little interest in what I'm doing.
Can't wait for the end of the day. Although we're out for dinner with friends tonight so I'll have to put on a happy face.
Maybe I'll feel beter later.
Liz
Hi,
Not looking forward to Christmas. Wanted a quite day at home with just me and the husband but he wanted family around so I said we'de invite people to us. At least then I don't have to go anywhere.
As a Christian I love the reason for Christmas and enjoy the celebrations at church. It's the spending time with family and presents etc that I dislike. I hate having to put on the happy face pretending that everything is great when inside I'm screaming and just want to hide from the world.
Having a bad day today, wish I was curled up in bed at home. I'm sat at work not being able to concentrate or focus on anything and it doesn't help that I don't have much to do.
Want to harm but know that would be the wrong thing to do. Don't have toold anymore so it's not possible either.
Wish I could have a hug from my husband.
I'm 22 and haven't SI'd or even visited this forum since I was 16, but the vengeful return of those urges brought me back. Your post is one of first I've read, and when I realised you've been updating it for the last few years it amazed me! I'd never thought a glimpse into a persons life could move me as much as it has, it certainly trivializes my stressors; it's a real inspiration to read about your struggles and how you overcome them time and time again. While a slip up is sometimes inevitable, the fact that you refuse to succumb to your urges reveals a true strength of character! Belated congratulations on your marriage, and I hope you're okay at the moment :)
Steven,
Apologies for not respondng sooner. I don't tend to look at my thread very often. I try not to remind myself of the past if I can help it and move forward into the future.
After nearly a year I slipped up last night and harmed myself. My husband found out this morning and I felt really ashamed. I had stopped before we got married as I had said I couldn't bring this into a marriage or put that in the way of a relationship.
He was wonderful and just said we would face it together, although I feel ashamed for failing my promise but I now I can tackle this with him beside me and with him I am stronger.
There are things causing me stress at the moment and the biggest problem is that I didn't talk to my husband, I didn't shre it with him. If you have someone who will listen and to talk to you should do so, it helps even if you can't solve the problem you can help to rationalise it and see the way forward, step by step.
Oh boy, I'm nearly in tears here which isn't a good thing as I'm on reception desk at work.
Thi will be a one time slip and nothing major to deal with, Iwill need prayer and support from those around me but I know I wil have this and God's promise to me is that he will prosper me and give me a hope and a future, on that promise I will stand firm.
God bless.
Liz
Hi,
Another bad day. It's been a hard day at work. We had a meeting this morning with a problem employee and it's not turned out the way the management wanted. It's not my fault but I feel like they will blame it all on me.
Poor process means that he won't get the sack, in fact he won't even get a warning which is ridiculous.
Feeling really tired and fed up. Want to harm but would be letting everyoe down again if I did. Shouldn't need to harm but I need a way of releasing he way I am feeling. Knowing that I'm going ome to am empty house doesn't help, wish my husband would be there.
Ready to curl up and hide from everything, thank goodness it's Friday. I'll have a weekend with him and relax a little. Hope I feel better tomorrow.
Liz
Hi,
I'm here more often than I would like at themoment. I'm really struggling.
Today Im close to tears and I have no idea how I'm managing to hold back. I want to curl up and hide from the world.
My husband seems to have decided that he will hand in his notice at work tomorrow. I understand why, in fact I encouraged him to do so but I hope he's not acting in haste. It was only an idea last night and not smething I expected an immediate response to.
He's performing poorly and is likely to be disciplined so it's a way of avoiding this and seeking a new opportunity with a clean record. I don't know. I'm stressed by the performance management he's under but I'll be stressed by the lack of money and the lack of job. Which is worse?
I hate this, I want to harm myself to let go of the tension in side of me, but I'll be letting him and everyone aroundme down by doing so. I harmed last Tuesday, my husband was really disappointed in me. I on't want to do it again but I don't know how to cope with everything otherwise.
I want to scream nd let it all out, but that's not possible either.
I feel physically sick.
Aaaaragh.
Liz
Oh dear, back again.
My husband hasn't handed his notice in, but he is looking at changing job. At least we will have the security of his income for the time being.
Although I thought he knew what he wanted to do and now he seems to have changed his mind again. All this uncertainty is not helping me.
I hate it when I don't know what's happening.
I want to harm myself again but I can't. I don't have any tools and I would be letting everyone down if I did. I need to stay strong for everyone elses sake.
I want to let out how I'm feeling, like there is little hope and not much point going on but I don't have any way of releasing this feeling.
As a Christian I should be looking to God for my strength and protection but I don't even feel that at the moment. What's the point in it all. Seems ridiculous as I'm providng ministry to one of the teenagers at church but without the strength to help myself. I just want to give up on everything at the moment.
I'm currently at work but can't be at all bothered to do anything. Nothing interests me at the moment. I should be working but as no one is looking over my shoulder and I don't have any deadlines approaching I can't be bothered.
Anyway, now to loo busy doing something else.
Liz
Liz I am sorry your struggling so much. It is hard when there is uncertainty especially around income, have you spoken to your husband about this? Perhaps he can help reassure you about it. Also you don't have to always be strong for everybody, you need to be there for you too. When were feeling low it can be hard to find motivation but setting ourself small goals with a reward can help. Like doing ten minutes of work then being allowed to come online for ten minutes just for example. Keep fighting hun, you are worth it
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
Hi,
Thanks for your message. I have chatted tough with my husband and rationally I know we'll be ok. We both have plenty of savings if needed so we won't be destitute.
I had a better day yesterday as I had a lot of stuff to do at work. Today is not going so wel because I have less to do. I like the idea of doing things in small chunks. Maybe I'll work on one of the letters I need to write and then I can browe again online for a bit. That might just see me through he day.
Thanks for your advice and thanks for caring.
God bless.
Liz
Hi,
I'm so struggling at the moment. My husband is being fantastic, he's so supportive. I wish I could show him more how important he is to me and how much I value him. He said to me on Friday that he thought I didn't love him because I was being so quiet and not sharing how I was feeling. I felt awful as I didn't know he felt that way and I didn't want to share with him because I was feeling awful for no apparent reason.
He wants to make everything ok but how can he when I don't even know what the problem is.
I'm at work today but not really interested in what I am doing. It's quite busy which is good as it's keeping me occupied. Last week I had too little to do and too much time to think.
Anyway, covering reception right now so I should pay mor attention to the phone calls and less to me message.
Take care.
Liz
Hi,
Back again, feeling low, close to tears in fact.
I'm so tired, I am at work again but really should have taken some time off. I'm just exhausted.
I want to cur up and hide away from the world, wait for it all to pass me by for a bit, til it all slows down.
I want to harm but I have been SH free, bar1 slip, for over a year. I don't want to go back there but I feel so low.
I just want to cry, sleep, hid. I don't care what I just don't want to fight anymore.
Lord help me.
Hi,
Well my husband read my journal yesterday. He was worried and wanted to understand how I've been feeling.
I'm not sure how I feel about this. When he first told me I was shocked, upset, angry.
I'm upset with him as he knew it existed and it was private. I trusted him not to pry. I don't know what to do now, whether to coninue writing in it or not. I think I should as I use it to release how I'm feeling, it helps to keep me safe. I guess I just can't trust that he won't read it again. He knows when I write in it as I usually write in bed before I go to sleep, especially at the end of a bad day.
I feela bit lost at the moment. Not sure where I'm going or what my next course of action is going t be. I feel quite confused.
The Pastor and his wife have suggested I take antidepressants. Those I know who do or have taken them have agreed and said this would be a good idea for me.
The telephone counselling from EAP have suggested that I may benefit from Counselling but I would need to be ready for it to make any difference. To try and address the underlying cause of my low mood. That antidepressnats would just mask it and the problem would still be there, they would help me cope with the current stresses but is not a solution for the longer term.
I'm scared of doing anything at the moment as I stopped SH over a year ago and I don't want to start again. If I go to counselling I'm scared I will be triggered and start harming.
I dunno, bit of a pointless post but just to summarise my current thoughts.
Liz
Hi All,
Well things seems to be moving ahead at quite a pace at the moment and I'm not sure I'm keeping up.
I have a GP appointment on Thursday to discuss "depression" although today I don't feel so bad.
I'm seeing a frend to discuss counselling tonight, with a view to going with my husband to counselling as I really feel I need the support. Might be strange to include him but he's so supportive that I think it will be good. At least he will then know what's been discussed and also how I'm feeling after, so that he can support me in the best possible way.
I have a free diary at work so if I need time off I won't feel guilty taking it.
All of this frightens the life out of me. That I might be in a lace to deal with the problems of the past and move forward in a positive way. Wjhy should that scare me? It's positive, it's good?
Guess I've been so used to being in a cloud for so long that not having it hanging over me will be strange.
I have 1 1/2 hours left at work and I have no idea what I'm going to do until the end of the day. I'm nervous and I just want to get on with things but then I don't oh boy I am so confused.
Right, focus for half hour at a time I think.
God bless all.
Liz
Hello All,
So I'm off to the GP on Thursday and I hope that they might refer me for counselling. The more I think about it the less I want to take anti depressants. I really do need something to be able to move forward, as otherwise I will be stuck in the same rutt I've been in for years.
I'm feeling fairly positive about things today, although I don't have a great deal of work to do so I'm struggling a bot to keep positive.
I'm glad I'm in Weston, closer to home and closer to town, I can take a walk at lunch and get away from things which will be good.
Don't really have a lot to share today, just wanted to fill some time. Nervous about counselling and aware that it might be a bit of a roller coaster but I'm ready for it and want to move on now, it's been a long time coming.
Liz
Hi,
Went to the GP today. Was easier than I thought. She was good and to the point which is what I really needed.
Said I wanted cousnelling and she agreed, suggested I have CBT whilst I am waiting for the counselling as this may be a few months off.
Was happy not to prescribe me anti depressants, in face he didn't suggest them until the end when she asked if there was anything else I wanted and I asked what else there would be.
Really pleased I went and feeling better about the future. Not having a great day but coping ok so far. Will be glad at the end of the working day when I can curl up in the arms of my husband.
God Bless
Liz
Hi All,
Well it's been over a week and I'm waiting for the referral to come through for the Counselling/CBT service the GP was going to refer me to.
Things go so slowly in the NHS. I hope it comes through soon as I'm really struggling and I'd just like to get something going so I can cope better with what life throws at me.
I've been having lots of ups and downs over the last week. Time of the month didn't help how I was feeling.
I'm low today, tired as I couldn't sleep last night. Not sure how I'm going to keep myself going through the day. Chocolate looks like a good option, although that's not good for my waistline.
Curling up and saying in bed would have been an option if it weren't for my husband who persuaded me out of bed, love him, he does keep me going.
Anyway, should try and concentrate and achieve something here at work today.
God bless all.
Liz