As far as I'm aware people are getting on alright without the messages to protect them though? Ultimately people can protect themselves or not, but it is not your responsibility.
There will be loads of awful things happening to people because of me. But a lot of the time when I get the messages from the men I can't do exactly what they want me to so people will still get hurt. I'm so sorry. :( I am really upset at the bad things that happen to people, whether I can prevent them or not, but I really must do what I can. I'll maybe mention to my GP if I should come of the Aripiprazole if I have time, as I said before my CPN told me I didn't have to take it if I didn't want to so it's not important that I keep taking it. I'd rather be distressed by the men and try to help people.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I was quite upset in my appointment with my GP but kept it in with movements. My GP took everything very seriously and didn't make me feel like a fraud but I'm worried about telling the MH team. She is going to refer me to a podiatrist or OT about my toe walking. She mentioned dyspraxia and said most diagnoses are in childhood and she doesn't know who would be the people to diagnose in adulthood but I think she's referring me to an OT for that too. She's referring me to the learning disabilities team about possible Aspergers. She kept saying she knows I don't have a learning disability but that's how things are grouped in this area. She said she hadn't noticed my movements before, but she has. She asked a bit about how things are in general.
I felt very upset after leaving and it was a difficult walk home which was made worse because it was 5.10pm so there was lots of traffic. I can't deal with anything. I'm glad I can come home and hide. But I'm anxious because my evening routine is now running late. I felt like I was going to cry when I walked into the health centre because of being there at that time of the day which isn't a usual thing for me to be doing at that time. It sounds ridiculous but even tiny changes in routine make me panic. I'm so scared of life. I can't do life.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm sending you so much love right now, it sounds like you had a productive but intense appointment. I'm a bit lost for words but I've read and I care, we're all here for you. <3
It’s not surprising you’re feeling a bit drained; dealing with appointments is exhausting, especially when they lead to new referrals and open up new possible diagnoses and happen at a time of day that’s different to usual. All those together add up to a lot, and it’s ok to feel that.
Why does there have to be so much to deal with in life? I'm particularly worried about my brother and wish things would get better for him.
I've said I'll volunteer at the food bank on Friday. I passed their hub this week and there was a woman there who looked and sounded scary (I have a thing about peoples voices) although I know that doesn't mean she is scary or that she will be working on Friday or whatever but I'm already feeling anxious about it and wishing I had never offered. It's only 2 hours but that's a long time for me and I often end up feeling really bad after 2 hour groups etc. Hopefully I will make it there and it will go well.
Someone from the CMHT phoned to tell me my support worker is off sick so I won't be seeing her tomorrow. That's ok since I can't talk to her anyway.
I'm just waiting every day for the DWP letter coming through my letterbox telling me my benefits are being reviewed. I'm so scared. I look at myself and think no way could I work right now, especially with the way I am around people, but sometimes those things are hard to describe on a form and I've had to appeal the decisions loads of times. Although the last time it went fine when I got some help from some CAB like people. I wish I could just relax. Nothing is happening at the moment.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Are your benifits due to be reviewed soon? I can really sympathise with the stress of benifits, I too am waiting for a letter, it's a really horrible place to be in. Is there anywhere you go to for advice about filling in any forms etc? Perhaps that would ease some worry? <3
I have no idea when they are due to be reviewed, I just know that it's been a bit over a year since they were last reviewed. The Money Matters place is really great, they helped me fill in the forms the last time which I think was maybe supposed to be an appeal and based on what the lady had wrote the DWP decided to forget the appeal and give me the benefits, I think. It's just scary because there's always stories about people being refused benefits even if they are dying or something. I think my psych would agree to write a letter for me to support the fact that I wouldn't be able to work but I worry that soon people aren't going to be patient with me any more and will just tell me to get a job. I'm hoping so much that I can kill myself when it comes to that.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Life is too terrifying. I am too responsible for other people and I'm not even helping them at the moment because I'm not getting any messages. I can't do this! I need to be able to be very self destructive and risky but I am slow and mute. I need to hurt myself properly. I can't cope with life. I want out. Even when I wasn't on Aripiprazole I didn't manage to do a lot of what the men were asking me to do. I'm pathetic. I'm a waste of a partial human. I am failing everyone.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
There are all kinds of horrible stories about particular awful situations, and while they prove certain negative things are possible, it doesn't mean they are likely. I think that logically you are unlikely to be refused benefits if you have always been offered benefits before and circumstances haven't really changed. And while I compeletely understand why you can't work at this particular moment, and that "get a job!" can sound really scary and impossible, one day you might see a way to work that will not significantly diminish your quality of life, and maybe will even improve it.
Outside of messages, what evidence supports that you are in any way responsible for anyone, or that there is any connection between your self-desctruction and anybody else? So far I can only think of evidence of a lack of such a connection. Have you ever considered that the messages might not be truthful?
Thanks. There have been many times where the men have been very specific about who is going to get hurt if I don't do what they say and then those people have got ill/injured. It's not important to me whether they aren't being truthful 100% of the time, I'd rather try and protect people even if they aren't in any danger. It's risky not to do what they say. There will be loads going on right now that I'm not aware of because I'm not getting the messages. I am stupid to continue taking the Aripiprazole but I was failing at doing what the men asked anyway. I am just one huge failure.
I cancelled volunteering at the food bank too. I am unreliable. I made it to the gym group today though, I know a couple of the people were really pleased to see me. It's kind, but it means that I am an actual perceivable person and I hate myself.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
But people get ill or injured all the time. You can pick any person and say they will somehow get hurt sometime soon - and they probably will, because it just happens often. So it doesn't seem the men can predict anything all that specific. As for protecting people just in case - see, it's a matter of resources. For example, when a person gets seriously hurt, it is logical to call an ambulance. But it would not be very logical to station an ambulance near every house and public building just in case. Yes, people would be safer, but we don't have infinite ambulances, and doctors/nurses. You don't have infinite resources either. If you will do what the men say all the time, you will end up in a state where you will not be capable of doing anything at all, one way or another. It wouldn't be logical to protect people "just in case" this way, even if it's "risky" not to. Whatever is there in the messages you are "missing" now - does it really matter? Have the messages ever proved to be helpful? You are not a failure for taking your meds, you're doing everything right.
I cancel my plans a lot too, and I can tell from experience that most of the time it's the most rational decision, so well done for cancelling. It's amazing that people were pleased to see you. Why would it upset you? What's wrong with being a perceivable person?
Thanks. I'm just so confused. My sole purpose in life is to protect people and I don't think I can do it in a human way, like in the medical profession or psychology etc. The only way I have ever managed to protect people is through hurting myself, and I can't even do that properly now. I feel responsible for the actions of the men, I don't know who else knows about the men or is in contact with them so if I let innocent people be hurt by them then it's my fault. I don't want people to hurt when it's not my fault so it being my fault makes it extra terrible.
Things are too quiet. I actually don't like this at all. I want to be back to having lots of communication and being able to hurt myself well etc. This silence is not mine, it's not me, it's not right. I hate it.
It upsets me to be perceivable because I hate everything about me. I can understand that somehow other people might not feel the same way about me but there will be at least little disgusting bits of me that they notice. It's so strange to have a whole form, to have life. I don't deserve it because I don't make good use of my life. I don't even know what good use of a life is, life hurts way too much.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I don't like this one tiny bit. I just want my self destructive abilities back. I don't understand why I am so unable to do anything properly self destructive now. There is some kind of barrier inside that no matter how much damage I intend to cause my body doesn't respond to it and stupidly I'm sometimes too tired to do things like go out and find the entrance to the other world when it's open. I am pathetic. I am tired so much and I worry about people finding out if I am suicidal or whatever and them telling me I have to go to A&E because that is a long and exhausting process. I must be properly old or something.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I managed to cut a bit but will need to get better in order to serve the men. I think I'm going to stop taking the Aripiprazole. I'll maybe ask the pharmacist about the withdrawal effects first.
Why am I even alive?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Unsurprisingly the pharmacist said to keep taking the Aripiprazole and talk to my CPN/psych. I had a battle this morning about whether or not I should take it but I did take it. It's not right me doing this. I'm obviously not that unwell anyway since only 5mg made a bit of a difference. I still get slight messages but none that are really clear. I'm wondering why I've been on depots in the past, and why I was once on 3 antipsychotics since I'm obviously fine. It must have been a mistake. If it wasn't a mistake then I don't want to accept that things could be 'better' now than they were in the past. It's not better to me. I just want to serve the men and the world, I want to be able to do the risky things that I need to be doing. I'm sick of being so pathetic with self harm now.
I wish my brother was ok. I wish the past hadn't hurt him. I wish he wasn't hurting now. I can never save him.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
