Why every scar matters/It's never 'just another one won't matter'
So I was talking to my boyfriend about my numerous scars.
He asked me when I did it if I was thinking of how my future life partner would feel about them. I said no. Because I didn't think I'd make it this far in life.
But they do matter. Each one matters. Every time you have a thoughts of 'what's one more in the grand scheme of things' just think that's one more your partner has to kiss better when s/he holds you. It's one more they have to come to terms with. It's another story of pain and suffering.
He said he wishes I would have thought, 'how will my scars affect others' when I was self harming. I wish that too. I admit when I was self harming I never once thought about how my boyfriend of the future would feel about them. I thought they were just marks he would have to accept. And he has. Which is really supportive and nice. But he's still had to think of worst care scenarios for every single scar and graft. He's had to see each one and wonder about the story behind it. What I was thinking, feeling, what was going on to push me over the edge.
When you cut it's not just your life you're changing it's other people too. Your family, your friends, your loved one. They have feeling about your scars too.
I know it's hard to think of others feelings when you're in such emotional pain, but I implore you to please try and think about how it will impact you in the future. It does matter. Each one matters. It's never 'just another' that won't make a difference.
This was probably a pointless ramble, but I was thinking about it and felt like getting it out.
If you can't try to recover for yourself right now, recover for your loved ones, for your future self, and hold on to the thought that one day this will all be in the past.
They'll be in the past, but the scars will remain. So each time you pick up that tool think if you really want to add another scar to the mess. Another one you have to explain, another one you have to hurt the ones you love with.
I didn't mean this to be rude or condescending. I meant this as a reminder to fight.
Don't find yourself in the position I'm in. I hurt the person I love every time I roll up a sleeve. That kills me.
I think this is a really important message for people in the depth of their struggles.
I am currently (I believe) recovered from the whole self-harm/suicide part of my life, but I still have the scars and while they're fading, I don't think they'll ever go completely.
I'm glad you felt able to share :)
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Don't find yourself in the position I'm in. I hurt the person I love every time I roll up a sleeve. That kills me.
I don't want it to kill you too.
Nah shouldn't be that way. Sure its nice to be aware self destructive things impact others as well but feeling personally hurt over someone's mistakes is a bit much IMO. BF is a bit hung-up on things he takes personal when he shouldn't - and he's projecting morbidity at you a bit much imo. There's a few things he's already guilt tripping you over. He needs to come to grips with his own things. Not to be rude of course
Last edited by Isoverity : 25-11-2016 at 05:32 AM.
It must be hard for the people you love to see your scars because they mean you were in pain but guilt tripping you isn't fair. People close to you love you and accept you despite your scars and see the beauty you give to people. I don't think it's right to make someone feel horrible about their body. It's not fair.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
I think your boyfriends expectations are unrealistic. Someone that is in such emotional pain that they will self harm can barely, if at all, comprehend how they will feel afterwards. Let alone it effecting someone you might or might not meet in the future and how they will feel about it.
It must be hard for the people you love to see your scars because they mean you were in pain but guilt tripping you isn't fair. People close to you love you and accept you despite your scars and see the beauty you give to people. I don't think it's right to make someone feel horrible about their body. It's not fair.
QFT
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
He doesn't make me feel horrible about my body. He accepts my scars. He just wishes I would have thoughts about how each one would affect him when I dd them. He now has to try and explain my scars to his very not understanding parents. He's really worried about that.
I don't think he is guilt tripping me. Just making his point.
What do you think? He's a really good person and loves me scars included. He's just worried about explaining them to his family and wondered if I ever thought about how they'd affect others when I dd them.
He's entitled to feel whatever he wants about it, but personally I don't think sharing those feelings with you is the kindest thing to have done as there is no need for you to feel bad about a choice you made that you cannot change now. However, perhaps it takes us having had the experience of living with scars to see how that's an unhelpful thing for him to have said. You know him best, so if you don't think he was intentionally guilt tripping you then I wouldn't worry too much!
He's just worried about explaining them to his family and wondered if I ever thought about how they'd affect others when I dd them.
Not exactly the topic but could you not just bypass the issue completely by wearing long sleeves when you first meet them and sticking to that until you get to know them a bit better?
Oh god I want to hear you say,
I want to hear you say that you were wrong again
This is the first thing
I have understood:
Time is the echo of an axe
Within a wood.
Whenever I have done anything self destructive I DID think of all the people I was hurting that way.
At times it kept me from doing, but mostly it just added to the feelings of guilt, shame and self hatred that were already rather prominent.
I imagine a lot of people have made the same experience.
He just wishes I would have thoughts about how each one would affect him when I dd them. He now has to try and explain my scars to his very not understanding parents. He's really worried about that.
How could you possibly have had thoughts about how each one would affect him when you did them? I assume most of your self harm was done before you met him or at least before you were in an intimate relationship with him so how could you possibly have forseen his discomfort?
It sounds a little selfish tbh and please don't take this the wrong way, I respect that you love him and he loves you and you feel he is a good person, but it seems like he is projecting his fear of telling judgemental parents onto your past decisions (and some of those decisions, correct me if I am wrong, were probably largely out of your control anyway due to dissociation etc). It is ultimately not your fault or even your problem if his parents are judgemental and there are ways around it if neither of you want to deal with that (long sleeves etc).
Your scars are your journey... they are your map of survival because you HAVE survived, but you can't possibly have considered future relationships in the midst of a self-harming crisis and it is very unfair to expect you to have, especially when there is literally nothing you can do to change it now. Making you think of these things are likely to just make you feel guilty for causing him pain and you aren't, nor do you deserve to feel that you are.
The people who love you will accept you and love you for every scar/blemish etc etc on your body and that is the way it should be. If he does love you and accept them all then that's great, I hope he does.
I hope this doesnt come across harsh or nasty. I really do respect that you seem very happy with him, I just do not agree with what he has said to you about this.
He accepts your scars! Thats nice of him, when he accepts you totally, you will have it cracked. Never feel bad about your scars, they got you to where you are now, without them you may not have got this far.
Sorry if this sounds rough, but iv'e been made to feel guilty for surviving too many times by people who say that they care. I would never wish for anyone to be at a point in their lives where harming themselves is the only answer, but sometimes you wish they would so they would truly understand why.
Sorry for sounding a ****.
He does accept my scars. He says he loves every part of me including them. He says he doens't even see them anymore when he looks at me. They make him sad, obviously, but he doens't think anything bad about them.
I know what you mean about his parents. BUt they are really the opposite of me. They have UKIP and anti-EU views. They are racist and think mental illness is just a weakness and a joke. They don't understand anything. I want to sit down and talk to them about it but I don't see that happeneing until I know them better. I've only met them once.
They said, when J told them about me having schizoaffective disorder, 'Oh so is she going to try and hurt us then?' which really upset me.
HE understands, he gets it, but his parents really don't. I think he's just worried about them reacting badly and not understanding.
What I meant by 'every scar matters' wasn't meant to be negative. It was supposed to be a reminder to those still self harming that they will affect your life when you're older, even when you stop. I didn't mean for it to be a negative thing. I meant it as a positive hopeful thing.
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