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Old 05-09-2019, 07:44 PM   #1
Eska
 
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Mixed up

I had a psychiatrist appointment today and it was really positive and good but now I feel sad and mixed up.

he asked how things are going, I said good. He asked what had made a difference, I said coming off the aripiprazole has helped. He asked about reducing the other meds and I said I thought we should keep them as they are and he agreed.

He said at the moment I have two diagnoses, bipolar (he noted that he hasn't seen any evidence of it but can't exclude it on that basis) and eupd (which he has seen and thinks is accurate). He said it's a positive thing because the prognosis for eupd is often good. He suggested that me feeling better might be the signs of the start of a long term improvement. I did mention that it's not unusual for me to have quite long stretches of feeling fine and he asked whether I'm worried about things getting worse again and I said yes and he said ok, but overall he still thinks there is reason to be positive.

Now I just feel sad, though. I just... I don't know. I guess I feel like I've been here before, where things have got better and I've thought that I've cracked it and pulled through and can start counting on the future, and then sooner or later everything goes bad again, so maybe Iím trying to protect myself from that? Maybe Iím scared because I donít know what my adult life looks like as someone who is reliably stable. I donít know. Iím just kind of drained and yeah. Sad.

I donít know how much of this makes sense but if anyone has any thoughts about what might be going on for me to feel like this Iíd really value hearing them.





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Old 05-09-2019, 07:58 PM   #2
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I can understand a lot of what you're saying about having mixed emotions. I know it's difficult not to wonder about what the future will hold in terms of recovery etc, but is there a way you can focus more on how things are in the here and now? We can't predict the future, even if you have had experiences in the past that have been similar to now. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your psychiatrist. Any appointment can trigger lots of different feelings so try to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to experience them safely. I hope you are ok.





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Old 05-09-2019, 08:33 PM   #3
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Thanks Lindsay.

Yeah, my psychiatrist isn’t bad. The first thing he said today was that he’s never seen me smile before and that it was nice. (I’ve seen him three previous times (I think?) over the last year.)

I’m doing ok, I’m having a quiet evening and I’m trying to be understanding with myself. I guess that it kind of makes sense that after so many years it would be strange to hear a doctor say that.

I don’t know. Maybe on some level I’m freaking out at the thought of this being the start of something different, that maybe in the future I won’t have those destructive coping mechanisms, that maybe I won’t need them? That maybe something that’s shaped so much of the way my life is now might not be relevant any more?





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Old 06-09-2019, 01:39 PM   #4
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I think a lot of people would feel anxious by the possibility of all that change. It kind of feels like changing who you are I guess. If you're doing quite well where you are at the moment then you must have been making small changes for a while so it doesn't need to seem like a huge change very suddenly. I know that small changes are often hard to notice. You are still you.

How are you today?





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Old 06-09-2019, 07:44 PM   #5
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Yeah, I’ve been consciously working on changing how my life looks for probably at least a couple of years now. It’s just the thought that it might actually be working that’s weird. I’m so used to things being ok for a while and then falling apart. I guess in a way I expect that, so the idea that it might not happen is kind of a lot to get my head around.

Today I’ve felt a little better. Still not as ok as I have been but a bit less low than yesterday.





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Old 07-09-2019, 04:05 PM   #6
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Yeah, you're bound to feel strange and confused and lots of other things. Would it help to talk through things with someone? I hope you're doing ok today.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 08-09-2019, 09:25 PM   #7
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I've messaged some friends about it a bit, haven't really seen anyone to talk to in person. It did help. It hasn't been on my mind as much the last couple of days so I guess things are settling again.





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Old 09-09-2019, 01:08 PM   #8
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Keep talking in whatever way you're able to if it's helpful. I hope things are settling now. You can do this.





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Old 09-09-2019, 07:50 PM   #9
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Update - I had a call today from an occupational therapist at the mental health team. She said the psychiatrist had asked her to help in touch with me, and made an appointment for next week. I think she said it would be with her and a nurse.

It’s a bit bizarre because the psychiatrist didn’t mention anything of the sort when I saw him. I have no idea what this means, what will come of it, whether it’s an assessment (if so for what?) or the start of some kind of input or something else. Not a clue. I’ll find out when I go, I imagine. Either way I’m really glad and grateful that someone has been in touch, and that the appointment is so soon (next week, which is also bizarre).





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Old 10-09-2019, 08:28 PM   #10
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I'm glad you have that appointment and are feeling positive about it. If you'd rather find out more about what the appointment is for before next week could you contact your psychiatrist? I hope your appointment goes well.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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