l, what do i do now? come on, you set me up to be like this, now you just leave me dangling. you programmed my brain in a certain way, fear and obedience. what would happen if i disobyed you. well, i did. i never came to meet you.
whats ore, i went to the police. and ****, you stopped telling me not to do that ages ago, because you didnt hthink i had it in me
so why havent i heard from you?? i saw you on the street, you grinned. you had me hemmed in a corner and you tried to stick your tongue down my throat. i nearly threw up later, my stomach felt like it was pure acid. i nearly throw up every time i even think about it.
why arent i being punished? what are you waiting for? whats the next step? i wish i could read you. if i could read you, i could be away, the otehr side of the country, anywhere, ****ing anywhere.
I don't know if what you did was real. I rather think it wasn't. I was making the whole thing up and over-reacting. Well, I was definitely doing the latter.
I still smile at you, offer greeting and wayward conversation and I guess I am fine with that because I am a doormat. I don't ever think I'll get over you but I'll have a mighty fine go. One day, I want to look in the mirror and admit that you hurt me but also like what I see. At the moment, none of those things occur.
I don't think you will ever realise that you broke me. You broke who I was as a person and you hurt every emotion that I can ever feel, stopping me from feeling again. You abused my trust and my insecurities and for that, I don't know if I can ever forgive you. You made me doubt my part in all of this and question whether or not it was my fault. I am still questioning.
I could be angry, hurt and cold. But I'm past that now.
In fact, I pity you now. How does it feel to lose everything? And if you believe you have everything, because I left the tv, playstation etc there, then I pity you more.
Because, you know what? Our son might have come out of the ugliest thing ever, but he's the most beautiful thing imaginable to me. For a while, how he came about bothered me. But now, it makes me love him more. He's pure. You didn't get a chance to taint him. He smiles, talks for England, can trash the house in five seconds flat.
Do you remember him screaming with fear as you attacked me, while you held him? He's had no reason to do that since I left you. Do you remember the day you took the bank card to work, so you could eat, but he couldn't because we'd run out of food. He hasn't been in that position since I left you.
And you know what? I'm strong now. I got back to college. I'm following my dreams. I argue back when I think I'm right, and I don't care when I'm wrong. Because I'm not scared anymore.
The biggest shock to you will be the changes I'm trying to make. I'm petitioning parliament, to bring changes in the judicial system. Hopefully, the likes of you won't be getting away with suspended sentences and community services for much longer. Wish me luck. I'm doing your son proud.
Yesterday I saved someone. I saved her from the pain and secrecy I went through for 7 years. I saved her from future years of regret, wishing she could have done something when she had the chance; wishing that someone would save her. I vowed to her very early on, 'I will not let my past be your future'. I made her a promise that I would take the pain away and make everything okay, so I did. I kept my promise and I stick by my decision. It was the right thing to do.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : maybe triggering
How could i ever let you do that to me. How did i ever think that was right why did i let you do that and you know what really sucks the most was that my parents trusted you enough to hang out with there kids and all you did was fxxxing touch them inappropriately and you know how much this has affected my life you stupid axx I hate you and you know what my whole life is screwed up because of you and it sickens me every day to think about what you did to me and how could you do that to a little girl i was only 10 years old how dare you do that to me and you know what i was afraid for years i had nightmares almost every night that really sucks for someone to go through and another thing is I hope you go to hxxl
There are so many things I wish I could say to you. So many days I wish you would be dumb enough to call me so I can tell you what I really think of you and what we had.
I hate you
I learned that Hate is something one should never feel. It's an emotion that not a lot of people are capable of feeling. To me, Hate is an absence of Love. The opposite. In order to truly Love someone you must know them through and through. To Hate someone you must know them enough to love them, and at one point cared enough about them to possibly love them.
I ****ing HATE you.
Today... I can't go there. I cannot talk about or write about today. Not now.
You really screwed me up. I gave everything I had to you. And what I didn't give you openly, you stole from me.
I can't have my own children. I won't let myself. I cannot bear the idea of having children because I know I would live everyday in fear that someone like you would take them away from me. My partner would change her mind and leave with it. I love kids. But somehow you managed to screw up that want for me. I don't want kids anymore. I haven't wanted a child of my own since you took him away from me.
I can't do this...
I gave you boundaries. I trusted you with my word and my rules that I established. I gave you a line and trusted you with my entire being not to cross it. And you did.
I want someone. I'm not going to lie to you. I want someone to be mine. That I can love and that will accept me. But I can't trust anyone. I could never bring myself to be intimate with someone after what it did to me and you. I can not let my sole purpose in life be someone's sexual pleasures anymore. Is that all that I was to you? That's all you ever seemed to want me for. I can't screw up a relationship with someone else anymore that way. I can't stand the thought of having my insides cut open with your boyfriend's promise ring, Dammit! That's all I ****ing think about when I try and picture myself in a normal sexual relationship.
I can't stand the thought of telling people when I relapse or slip up. Because I'm always expecting them to hold up five fingers. Have me count down the details of what I did. And have them match me on what I did. I can't stand the humiliation of being stripped down and have peroxide poured on my cuts.
I really really hate you
But it's okay. Because I stood back and let this all happen. I didn't once stand up for myself and tell you how wrong I thought this was. But you never accepted our relationship? Ever since you told me that, I regret that day.
The day I held my fist up to you? I regret not bringing it down and letting you have it. That day.
I am not ashamed of who I am, or what I am. Yes. I am a Christian, and a Lesbian. And I don't care what you think about me. Yes I have problems. And Yes. I screwed my life up when I met you.
I dare you to get a hold of me. I can never forgive you for the things you did to me. I hope you feel like **** every time you see me.
I hope someday, he asks you how you got by in high school with him. And I hope you have a hell of a time making up some lavish, uplifting story that doesn't have me in it.
I never should have asked you why you felt the need to touch me. I never should have. And I never should have spared you from everything I could do to you. I even have memories of which I don't know if they are real, but if they are, then I can hate you even more.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : triggering
Like the memory of a sole good beating up, "no mercy", I can still hear you screaming it in my head. Or like the memory of my brother telling me to get on my knees and putting his p***s at my back and YOU GETTING IN AND IGNORING WHAT IS HAPPENING.
I hate you for what I know you've done to me and I hate you for what I think you've done to me.
But why do I keep on loving you the way I do? When you were in hospital I discovered that I had an exam on the day I had promised to take care for you. Why do I take care for you? And why did I make all of those phone calls, why did I go to the receptionist to ask for a form, why did I return to the hospital to pick up the paper which would postpone my exam? Why? All for you? I guess. In order not to give you that sense of guilt which is devouring me every day. In order not to bother you with my inner emotional world, since I know deep down you don't care.
I will never know why you felt the urge to molest your sister the way you did. You taught me too many things and especially since I got abused by "another one", yes, another one beside you, I have started mixing up memories. Which would mean both are the same to me. And if you argue that "I wanted it at times," then why don't I remember those episodes? Did YOU do that to me? Did YOU teach me how to dissociate?
The following content has been hidden - Reason : a good scolding, maybe not appropriate to read for everyone
I HATE YOU, ****ER! YOU WILL NEVER GET A GOOD GIRLFRIEND, YOU WILL END UP IN A COSY APARTMENT, ALL ALONE, COVERED FROM TRUE FRIENDSHIP, LOVE AND HAPPINESS! Maybe you'll find some kind of slut prepared to spend the rest of her useless life with you, but a good girl like me, no, that's way out of your league.
Same goes for you, ****er. I f***ing hate you.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : explicit sexual details
You never should have thrusted your penis into my mouth, you never should have raped me.
Why did I create the memory of a loving relationship? Why did I cover up the memory of me washing out my mouth and washing me very very very thoroughly after the second rape? WHY DID I COVER THOSE UP?
You're all a bunch of ****ers and liars. I hate you all. But most of all, I hate myself.
Edit: P.S.: dad: thank you for not being there. I know you love me but you should have known better.
Last edited by lynx : 02-02-2010 at 04:46 PM.
Reason: forgot to thank dad
I cant deal with you. Im scared. I hate you so much. I hate you but I hate me too and that's because of you, I think. I've completely f*cked myself up, you know. Last night I drank until I threw up, just sitting at home by myself. I threw up in a ****ing wastepaper bin. I didn't even want to drink, but I did. I don't want to know what my liver looks like. And I guess that's for you and it's probably what you want.
I'm gunna forget the why's? and the "buts"
YOU HAD NO ****ING RIGHT TO TREAT ME THE WAY YOU DID TODAY!!!!!!
YOU HIT ME HARD ENOUGH TO LEAVE A ****ING BRUISE
SOMETHING I NOW HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO MY MOTHER WHO HAS NO IDEA THAT YOU STILL PLAUGE ME!!!
YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK? I THINK YOU'RE PISSED OFF BECAUSE YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME ANYMORE AND YOU WANT TO TRY TO AGAIN, AND YOU'RE MAD THAT IM HAPPY AND YOU';RE NOT
GROW THE **** UP WILL YOU?? I AM NOT YOUR SLAVE ANYMORE I'M NOT YOUR WIFE, NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME!!!
AND I HOPE THAT YOU ****ING DIE
YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TREAT PEOPLE THAT WAY LEAST OF ALL THE GIRLS THAT CARED ABOUT YOU, AND YOU WONDER WHY YOU HAVE NO FRIEDNS? THAT'S WHY AMANDA THAT'S WHY!!!
DON'T YOU EVER ****ING TOUCH ME AGAIN YOU ****ING BITCH!! I'M NOT YOUR LITTLE DOG ANYMORE!!!
i AM A BIGGER, STRONGER PERSON AND I DON'T NEED YOUR TOXCITITY IN MY LIFE!!!!!
SO GO DIE IN A HOLE, SLIT YOUR WRIST LIKE YOU KEEP TELLING EVERYONE YOU'RE GUNNA DO JUST TO GET SYMPATHY, YOU'RE PATHETIC, HOW ABOUT, NEXT TIME, JUST DO IT
BECAUSE THE DAY YOU DIE, WILL BE THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY ****ING LIFE.
“Because everything that goes around comes around. Maybe it's luck or maybe it's fate, but either way, it comes back around."
Rest in Love Sar-sis. I'll see you the next time around hopefully <3 12/11/92-05/18/16
AJs mommy ❤️ 11/26/17
Married to my best friend and Soulmate 3/5/18 ❤️💍
i want you to know that you ruined me, you broke me.
you took away EVERYTHING.
because of you i have nothing and i am in this state.
i can never get better because everytime i make an improvement something triggers me and reminds me of you and your actions.
i think of it everyday. i can't be the same as my friends because of you.
i hope you remember what you did to me.
i hope you feel guilty.
i hate you.
Brick by brick I am breaking through these walls
between you and me I'm not giving up
can a letter that is never going to be read even begin to assuage the pain that rages..?
how could you two, people i only met by chance, from the opposite side of te world have such a cataclysmic effect in my life?
it has been years now and stil the hate i feel for you is only consumed by the loathing i reserve my self...the only outwards signs of which are written on my arms and legs and hidden from the world.
who knew that over those two days in which you tormented me the seeds were sown for the next 7 years to be ones of isolation, secrets and immutable pain.
i hate you.
i hate you both.
but i hate myself for more for allowing the darkness which i was thrown into that night to swallow me. i hate myself for the story that has been etched into my wrists and for the dreams which follow me relentlessly into the early hours of the morning.
why did you hurt our body? I'm the one that carries the memories and the pain. Our small ones are terrifie of you but I'm not. I think you're a cowardly excuse of a penis!! You couldn't even use your tiny ****, you had to use a bottle instead. You left our body battered and bruised and silenced.
You had no right to touch us. It's not my fault! it's yours!!!
Burn in hell.
The hurt I feel makes me want to swallow handfuls of pills.
The pain I feel makes me want to eat until I can't stand up.
The anger I feel makes me want to rip my forearms to shreads.
The disgust I feel makes me want to scratch my face until I don't recognise my reflection.
The worthlessness I feel makes me want to go to sleep and never wake up.
The hatred I feel makes me want run until my lungs give up and my legs give on.
*Contains some GRAPHIC and sexually explicit passages that could be triggering*
I have actually sent this letter to my abuser. We exchanged several letters so far, two of the letters he wrote to me I have posted in my thread (title: "Call me insane - but I will forgive..."). Here the first letter that I wrote to him:
To YOU! To my abuser!
I will remember the Friday two weeks ago forever. Every single detail of what happened on that accursed day. I remember how you followed me. How you pushed me against the wall. How you pressed the knife against my throat. How you kissed my neck and my lips for quite some time. How you reached into my pants and said I would enjoy what would happen now. And how you forced me to kneel down in front of you when I showed no reaction to what you were doing. Then you forced me to perform oral sex on you. I remember everything. How you enjoyed it. How you said to me how good it felt. How you brushed through my hair with your free hand. How you moaned. How you reached an intense climax and threw back your head, at the same time baring your teeth. How you forced me to keep eye contact with you while it happened. How you continued heavily breathing after it was over.
So you are gay, too. Did you see no other possibility to satisfy your cravings for closeness and affection? Did you see no other choice than forcibly acquiring the shallow substitute of sexual pleasure without any emotional bond? You must have been really desperate to have done something like this when you have in the past always been such a nice guy. And at the toilet of our school! At any time somebody could have come in and heard what was going on, yet in your opinion it must have been worth the risk.
Why did you choose to humiliate me even more after you had already received what you had desired? Why did you force me to swallow the "evidence" of your offence? Why did you ridicule me by saying I should do what you have forced me to do as my future career? Why did you threathen me with a painful death if I should ever tell on you? The saddest part about all of this is the fact that I might have choosen to do something on a consensual basis with you. But you decided to use force, you decided it was OK to abuse me.
Yes, you have apologized many times in letters and in person, starting the very next day after the assault. Yes, I believe you are truly sorry and feel intense remorse. Yes, you have already done some important things to support me in healing and to atone for what you did and I believe you when you say that you will continue doing everything in your power to make it up to me. And, yes, I believe that you want to rather die than ever hurt anyone like that again. But you have no idea how much you have actually hurt me. Well, the damage is done.
Because you truly repent, I have decided to try to forgive you. And I will spare you from revenge and punishment. I will not tell anyone except my counselor - especially not the police. The three of us will share this terrible secret. I will give you another chance and not destroy your life although you have certainly deserved to have it destroyed. I am willing to do all of this. BUT I will never forget what you have done.
You will have to live with the constant feelings of guilt, shame, remorse. I have no other choice either: I must live with the painful memory of what you put me through. I am not afraid of you. I am still very angry at you but I do not hate you any longer. And because I am not afraid of you, we WILL talk in person about everything. I must understand why it happened. Stop avoiding me at school. It only proves that I can cope far better with what has happened than you. I suppose that is just. For why should the victim suffer more than the perpetrator? Yes, you are a repenting abuser. That makes you better than the majority of abusers, who never feel any remorse and do not care about what they did to their victims. You are better than them - BUT you are at the same time much worse than an innocent person. Keep trying to redeem yourself. I give you some real credit for that. BUT you must never forget what you have done! And remember: If I forgive you that means that I will no longer hold against you what you did - BUT it will not in any way lessen or even erase your guilt!
Last edited by Illigran : 25-02-2010 at 12:14 AM.
Reason: added something
Technically it wasn't abuse to me, though everyone classifies it in this category. I don't know where else to write this letter so it can go here.
Your charm, understanding and infallible loyalty seemed to get you so far. People appreciated you, trusted you and your sensitivity appeared to warm the hearts of so many. I am so angry that my ignorance and innocence was exploited too, along with all the other peoples' decency you stole. Quite frankly I am shocked. I am shocked at your greed, your neverending lust for this.
You will never know just how much you hurt me and I doubt that many real life people will ever understand the dirt I feel grinding against me, the repulsion I face whilst looking at my reflection in the mirror and the bile rising in my throat as I think about the person you have become. I wonder if you always were. How does it feel now? How does it feel knowing that we all know the truth? We all know your dirty little secret that just isn't that hidden anymore.
It makes me wonder what satisfaction you got from all of this. In the papers the quotes were ridiculous, child-like and I don't believe a word of it. You made a fifteen/sixteen year old girl hide in her own house, stop going out to her various hobbies and you exacerbated her need to self-harm. If you didn't get some sick gratification from this, what did you get? Honestly, I'd like to know because to me it just isn't right. It angers me what you have done, what you did to me. No, you didn't take my virginity but you took my pride and you have destroyed my trust. I can no longer bear physical contact and I place that responsibility largely with you.
I don't want to go into explicit detail of what has happened but I wish somehow you would know that this hurts. This whole situation hurts. What upsets me most is how others reacted. Mostly the pain is brushed off into a corner, I am deemed the girl who cried wolf too many times. That is because you never left any evidence, you never did anything that could get yourself arrested- until recently of course. You made people think I was lying. My reputation is basically in tatters, blood-streaked tatters. Do you get satisfaction from that? Do you? I wish you had some good reason to have done this, I could probably give you one. I could tell you that I was repulsive, dirty and disgusting and deserved all this but then that would excuse you for every other person you have caused tears.
Was it worth the stigma/taunting you are going to hear for the rest of your life?
You are f**ked cause you makes the bad things to me almost 5 times for god sakes! I really hates you so much and wishing you could go to the h*ll and die in the graveyard. I couldn't believe that you still doing the most "stupid things ever done in your whole life"..I cannot forgive you or forgets about you cause you makes me so f**ked pissed off right at this moment..You are screwed up big time..
You should never touched and should never kissed me in my mouth GROSS! You are DISGUSTING PIG! you should be proud to be in the jail! and how could you do this to me?? You should be ashamed of yourself F**ker! I cannot stand you anymore and go to the h*ll!