I still struggle to come to terms with the situation I found myself and my family in many years ago. It is not me I feel anger for but for my brothers and for my brothers. Whilst you picked on me, it was them that was most affected.
How do you think my Mum felt when she was forced to choose between me and you and she only had one option, to put me in foster care because there was no way she could leave you as her and my brothers would be homeless so she lost me. We still haven't managed to repair our relationship completely though I can see where she is coming from now when I am not too emotionally unstable.
I remember when I was very little, probably about 5 and I was going to be a bridesmaid the next day. My little brother was poorly and my Mum was concerned but she arranged for him to be taken care of. You got angry - I remember you throwing a chair at her and harming her, she fell to the floor and blood was pouring everywhere. You just stormed out of the house and Mum ran up to the bathroom and carried on running me a bath. I'm so proud of her, I wish I could have helped.
My little brothers witnessed so much. They saw you hit me, beat me, scream at me and hurl words that 7 and 8 years old shouldn't have to hear. My oldest little brother I could hear begging my Mum to get him out the house because he couldn't bear to hear you screaming at me.
Now he won't even talk to me. He doesn't believe me, he just blocks out everything that happens and believes YOU because you're his Father. You have no idea how much that hurts me. I wish you could just face up to what you did and not let everyone suffer.
Even though you have moved away now you still affect everyone. Mum is scared of relationships. J1 hates me because he thinks I tore the family apart. You let my little bro J2 down, all the time, all he wants is he Dad and you won't let him have that. Why? What has he done so wrong?
I miss you Dad and I wish you would be my Dad. I want to one day find forgiveness because I will always love you. The marks you left, they faded but the mental stuff - no, it hasn't faded I'm sorry but I still love you.
Please be a man and step up to your role as Dad. I know I'm 19 now but my little brothers aren't, you still have a chance with them.
*hugs Tig* It's really brave of you to write that. But I don't think your dad is the best role model for your brothers, even if they love him and want him. If you really want to help your brothers you should see if you can find them some other male role models who might give them the care and attention they need. Maybe look into some mentoring programs, or see if there's any uncles or other relatives around. *hugs more* Also, what about you? Sounds like your dad really hurt you a lot, enough for you to be put into care. Lots of times the oldest in the family who bears the brunt of the hurt forgets about his/her own needs to care for mom and the younger ones. But you need some love and care too for what you went through too. *snuggles* Hope you feel better, and we're always here to help and look after you too. You deserve a turn in being cared for as well. :)
Farewell the Ashtray Girl
July 12, 1987-April 30, 2010
I’d love to know why you joined in that day... I know you said it was punishment, but I hae never felt that was the whole story...
One thing I have always wanted to ask is; when you said “sorry” did you mean it? If you did then why didn’t you stop then? Just leave me, rather than getting Tristan to hurt me for now complying to what you demanded... I still have scars on my back from that day!
And then... why did you start emailing me? Years later... emailing me over and over, threatening to come to my city, to my home... how did you even get my email address???
Don’t you think i was hurt enough? Without those emails and pictures...
Tristan I understand, he was damaged, and addict and delutional... but you? Why did you do it? I really don’t understand
P.S Lachlan you slap like a girl...feel like a big man now?
I'm not text book smart but I'm street smart....well sesame street smart anyway :p
I <3 you Lozza- my beautiful twin and care bear! Keep holding on. 'Whorejay'- u are my gorgeous partner in crime, who I will never give up. They can't seperate us! loooove you. I <3 Frizzly forever!!! ur my nite light R.I.P my beautiful angel Kat, you will always be in my heart. 27/03/91-31/08/09 xxx Sweetdreams baby girl xxx
I want to know something......Did you mean it when you said sorry? Do you know what i have to deal with because of you.....flashbacks that what. You've gone on with your life. You've had a kid.....perhapes you feel loved now. God knows you diserve to feel loved after all you've been through. I want to know something eles........why? Why did you do that?
I find myself making excuses for your actions. You were young.....I was young. You didnt know what you were doing. I think you knew......I know you didnt know the consequences of it but you knew what you were doing. You messed me up. Yet you are my friend......you were my friend....God....Im so confused about you.
your tears dont fall they crash around me- bullet for my valentine.
im gonna have a go atthis but bare with me please
i have three letters to write
they hidden cos i not sure whether anyone should bother to read
The following content has been hidden - Reason : no pressure to read
you were the first to do that
and thing is to an extent ive forgiven you even though you took something that wasnt yours to take my virginity
but at least i know will never has to know what you did
you see he could of found out
but i destroyed our baby and im sorry i know im evil
will could of had a brother or sister but i guess i was 15 and you were 16 and you wouldnt of wanted to know anyway
that is who you are
The following content has been hidden - Reason : horrid hard thing
it pains me to think of you as an abuser
to acknowledge this hurts
im sorry im a let down
i cant write more now sorry hurts to muc and you still do it
The following content has been hidden - Reason : worst and hardest maybe
plesae dont touch me anymore
i relive it to much
you text me still
i hate it
i want to destroy it all
i want to make you hate me
i cant hate you
i dont want to know anymore but im weak
what you like
your hands creep over me
you put your .... in places that i know are bad
it hurts but you never care
know i make you depressed im sorry
"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'"
luke..... what do i say?
am i scared of you any more? i cant tell. im numb. i let you do what you want to me and i hardly cry. afterwards, i pick myself up and carry on with my day.
i have permanent scars that you inflicted on me luke. not counting the permanent scars you caused me to inflict on myself.
you're a murderer. murderer. i should hate you.
i don't feel anything about you any more... i don't feel anything about ANYTHING any more.
you murdered her, Luke. You murdered her.
I read a post today that defined emotional abuse. And I cried, knowing that what you put me through has a name and is a recognised and validated hurtful experience. I spent all these years thinking it was just me making things up. That you were the kind, loving parent that everyone admired and respected for putting up with my 'attitude' and 'deliquency' and 'problems'.
But you hurt me so much. I have only just learnt how to cry. I still can only cry in front of two people in the world. And that's because of you and your mind games - manipulating me into performing the character of a 'good daughter', one who never cries, who is always happy, who says nothing of the arguments and hurtful words you screamed at me, who keeps quiet about the constant threat of being abandoned.
For all the times you managed to make me think I was the bad person in the family. For all the times you tried to get the psychiatrist to break confidentiality under the guise of being a 'concerned' parent. Here's the information you so deperately want: the CAMHS psych said I have an attachment disorder, stemming from early childhood. That I have PTSD, ED-NOS, and mild OCD. And that's not even counting the gender dysphoria and 'alters' that are present, although I never let that slip at the time. I had to have some secrets after all.
I'm even more screwed up than you thought. And, given your behaviour, I'm sceptical as to whether you actually want me as your child or not. Because I'm not your daughter, and I'm not playing that role any more. I can't say any of this to you... you'd deny it. And twist it. And somehow make me think again that I'm the viscious, despicable, vindictive bitch that you'd convinced me I was through my life.
But I'm not.
For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know… we’re not what we’ve seen
For this dance we’ll move with each other
There ain’t no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other
Although I obviously consider you an abuser, I don’t know what I would do without you. You must be an abuser, or you wouldn’t be on this thread. You confuse me, so much.
You’ve changed me – I bear no resemblance to who I was before I met you. I’m not sure there’s any Me left to go back to – this is who I am now, and you are such a large part of that.
Fear, grief, true grief. It would be so easy to blame you for Sion’s death. I could have saved him. All it would have taken would have been to talk to him, and to talk to Lesley. And you are, of course, the reason that I didn’t. I grew to hate Sion, for every touch on my shoulder, every breath on my neck. And Lesley? He thought you made me the way I became. It may be arrogant, but I know that was a part of it.
So the three most traumatising events in my life are down to you. I was raped. My boyfriend died. My only friend went... away. You sent him away. You killed my baby...
I’m having a memorial service on the 27th. I don’t care if it’s stupid. I don’t care if it hurts. It’s what she deserves.
We are so much better than you, me and Patrick. He’s hurt me, sure. And you know what he did? He turned around and said, verbatim, ‘jesus I can’t believe I did that, you’re right, I get it now. I’m going to my GP.’
And Luke? You will NEVER keep us apart. You’ve taken everything in my life. There are three things I will never let go. One is Patrick. One is Mum. And one. Bizarrely enough, is Cookie. And no matter what happens, they are the three constants. Patrick is too closely bonded to me, whether or not we like it. We are in love and we nearly had a child together. And you and I, we’ve both tried to stop my mum from loving me. And we’ve got nowhere. And we are GLAD. Because if she’s stupid enough to carry on seeing what she sees in me, then I’m going to keep on climbing ‘til I’m what she thinks I CAN be. And Cookie? She’s just ****ing awesome.
So, I’ve won. You changed every part of my personality, and indirectly you’ve changed a lot of the people that I am or was close to. Not all of that was bad, you know.
Would Patrick have fallen in love with cows if we hadn’t bunked off college and gone to the farm? I wouldn’t even have been at Oprington College if it wasn’t for you, and I CERTAINLY wouldn’t have been bunking. Cows, for some reason, make him happy. for someone as anxious and jittery and grumpy as him, i suppose they represent what he wants to be. he would never have realised that and he might never have thought about getting help
Would I have ever found the courage to open up about every bad thing that’s ever happened to me, if it wasn’t for you?
Would I have known what it was like to be pregnant, and known that I wanted it in the future?
Would I have realised that me and Patrick can go the distance, even with **** like that happening?
So in a way, I win. I win! You know that you won’t have a hold over me for ever. You know that once I get therapy I will either be strong enough to move out, or to go to the police. And Luke? I’m getting it. Counselling if not therapy.
Do you ever think about me? I think about you, far too often. Even now, even though it's been years since You happened, I still think about you all the time. It's funny, almost, but in a way that's completely lacking in any kind of humour. I was supposed to be able to trust you. I was supposed to be able to tell you things and for you to listen to me, not ridicule me in any way. I wasn't supposed to be your toy or your plaything or anything to anyone you knew. It wasn't meant to work like that. I was naive and you took advantage of that. I trusted you and you took advantage of that. It still hurts, and that makes me feel weak but I think it makes me feel weak because I know that's something you'd say to me. I don't hear your voice but I hear the things you said to me all the time. You can still make me feel an inch tall even though you haven't said a word to me in two years. Do you ever feel bad for what happened? Have you done again? Would you do it again? To me? Maybe to someone else. I think if you'd have asked me 18 months ago I'd let you. I loved you, more than you'd ever know. More than I've ever loved anyone else, and keeping you a secret was so hard because I wanted to tell people about you. But then you started and there was nothing to tell because people wouldn't understand; even I didn't understand, even though it was my own brain, my own thoughts.
I'm getting there, though. I can't forget everything (that stupid yellow carpet and Him and You and listening to Travis when it was raining), or, at least, I haven't, not yet. But I'm getting help. What I am today is sort of because of you. I wish you could see me now, see what I'm doing, how I'm coping without you. You told me I wouldn't be able to survive, and for a while I thought you might be right. But look at me now. I'm getting help, I'm getting better. And it's hard and it hurts but I'm doing it on my own. So there.
I don't love you any more.
I never thought I'd be able to tell you that.
she replyed.... i did it cuse i thought thats wat u wanted if u dont want me to be your friend i wont.... all u have to do is say so
i didnt mean to hurt u or to mess you up it was a choice u made so dont blame it all on me u choose to cut ur self not me and i did but i didnt no wat i was doing again i thought u wanted it and yes i am sorry sorry for everything good-bye jessica...........
your tears dont fall they crash around me- bullet for my valentine.
I hate you. There isn't a day when I'm not thinking about you. I can't have a moments rest without seeing your smile, or hearing your voice. You're constantly in my head now. You've tarnished me so badly, that no one could ever love me. No one but you, remember? So I guess I'm your's now, daddy, just like you've always wanted.
than I replyed
fun fact: people that abuse people often blame the victem.
You gave me post traumatic stress disorder.
Wich lead to depression
wich lead to borderline
I started cutting because of the ptsd. There for you started it. You triggered it.
Yes it was my choice to cut but i started cutting because you molested me...... I thought you would give me a good reason for molesting me. I see now that I was wishing for to much. What evidence did I give you to sugest I wanted it?
Last edited by flybat3 : 23-10-2009 at 11:23 PM.
your tears dont fall they crash around me- bullet for my valentine.
When i met you , i thought you were nice and caring , and cute But i thought wrong , though the first month was good and perfect , but all the sudden you feel into the power of lust and power , you wanted control i could tell . You took away my only sanity , you begged hounded me about that stupid "Mattress mambo" , even though i always said no and that i didnt want to end up like my birth mother , as i was 14 and she was 14 when she had me.
You were partly the reason i SH-ed, started into the world of Eating disorders , as a way to rid myself of you the memories and pain, The very thought that hit me is you took avantage of backward mambo , and raped me . I didnt want to believe it so i blocked it and when memories would fly through thats when i finally realized you had raped me .
You stole my innocents , my virginity , my only bit of happiness left , I lost the ability to cry , my burning anger flew out onto paper and my self as poetry would to those whom thrived for it.
You took away what was left of my soul, I've tried to regain it back , digging searching falling daily trying to get back my soul and sanity .
But I noticed is my sanity isnt stolen its hidden in a cage , unable to be unlocked , my pain is scars on the outside and inside.
Every memory of our so called relationship , burns posion into my coursing pain that fades daily inch by inch as if it were a billion feet long .
I know you never ment me harm , that your lust and power was your way to control your life from your over protective angry step father .
though I've always wondered , were you ever abused..?
The following content has been hidden - Reason : triggering
I have so much to say to all of you...but I don't know which one to start with....I guess we should start with the easiest....
WHY??!! just tell me WHY??!!! I was 15 years old, and you KNEW, you KNEW about my past, you ****ing KNEW what he did to me...and yet you did the same thing anyway..ontop of beating me on a daily bases....I was already getting beaten at home, WHY you TOO??? did you get some egotistical thrill out of seeing me cry and wiping the blood off my mouth??!! DID YOU???!!! and the whole "leave me and I'll kill myself" bit..I should have LET you DIE, you unbeleivible BASTARD
how could you DO that to me??!! and not even a year later harass me to the point of not ever wanting to go back to school, what the hell did you get out of that??! TELL ME WHAT??!
WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU THAT WARRENTED YOU EVER TOUCHING ME THAT WAY??!!!! WAHT DID I EVER DO TO YOU THAT LET YOU THINK THAT BREAKING MY RIBS WAS OK??!!! AND FOR WHAT?? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!!
YOU ARE STILL A HUGE PART OF THE REASON I DON'T LIKE MEN, AND BOYS, AND I HOPE THAT YOU ROT IN HELL
IT KILLS ME THAT I NEVER REPORTED YOU, BUT I WAS TOO AFRAID AT THE TIME TAHT YOU'D KILL ME...
I HOPE YOU'RE IN JAIL NOW YOU ASSHOLE.
how could you? I didn't do anything ahrdly and yet you felt the need to beat me every day and tell me you were going to kill me? I secretly wish you would have, I really do..if you didn't want me then why did you have sex?? if you didn't WANT me, then why take me in??
I know I look like mom, I'm not aorry, I can't help that, I'm not sorry taht I'm disabled, I can't help that either, you wanted a perfect child with perfect hair and a perfect attitude
instead you got me....don't pretend that you care because you never did, you never wanted me in the first place, so why bother?
I TRIED to have a relationship with you I burried the hatchet admited to my part of the wrong, yes I was hard to put up with but to be fair you didn't have to BREAK my RIBS!!!
I tried to have a rlationship with you, because mom said I'd regret it if I didn't, I've grown up and done my part, so why can't you?
jsut no that when you die..I'm not going to be the one crying at your funeral..you deserve waht you get
and you didn't want kids in the first place which makes me scared to death of what you're going to do to my baby sister when she gets to teenager age.
your being adopted is not a reason to beat your children
that doesn't give you control!!
and towards the end of me staying with you, I was so suicidal that your threats of killing me made me laugh
I only wished that you would.
you don't deserve to have any children, and I hope that my sister realizes what a monster you are and does the same thing I did
so that when you die, you die alone.
HOW COULD YOU?!!!!!!
you were DRUNK!!!!!
and the fact taht I pushed you off me when we were outside should have told you that I didn't want to sleep with you!!!!!
but you didn't care did you!!!
no, you only wanted to get a ****.....
and you wanna know the worst part about it is? talking to you the other day like nothing happened, like I'm not scared shitless of you
like you didn't RAPE me 8 months ago
and when you asked about it..I lied,
I lied because I was scared to confront you, because at that point it was my word against yours
do you have any idea WHAT this has DONE to me??!!!
YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME!!!!!!!
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN IF YOU WERE DRUNK, I WASN'T!!!!!
IT WENT TO FAR AND I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT WHEN I PUSHED YOU OFF ME, BUT NOW, YOU DIDN'T CARE
I HOPE YOUR GIRLFRIEND REALIZES WHAT A PRICK YOU ARE AND LEAVES YOU, YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A PIECE A ****
AND YOU TREAT HER LIKE ****.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU??? I WAS 11 YEARS OLD YOU SICK MOTHER ****ER!!!!
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I'VE LAID AWAKE CRYING FROM NIGHTMARES OVER THIS, OVER WHAT YOU DID TO ME??!!!!
HOW MANY TIMES i'VE BLAMED MYSELF???
i STILL BLAME MYSELF TO THIS DAY BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU DID TO ME...
HOW COULD YOU TOUCH ME THAT WAY?? i COULD YOU MAKE ME.... WHY??!!!! I WANT TO ****ING KNOW WHY YOU DID THAT TO ME???!!!!
i'VE BEEN TO THERAPY FOR THIS AND IT HASN'T HELPED YET, MOM ASKED THE SAME "WHY" AND SHE SAID THAT YOU'RE BROTHER SAID TAHT YOU STATED IT WAS THE "DEVILS MUSIC"
THAT IS ****ING BULLSHIT!!!
I WAS A CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO ONE NO ONE
SHOULD EVER DO THAT TO A CHILD!!!
i REALLY HOPE THAT YOU'RE ****ING DEAD IN JAIL BY NOW...AND WE GOT A NOTE FROM THE JAIL SAYING THAT YOU TRIED TO KILL YOURSELF A YEAR AGO...
AND YOU DIDN'T SUCCEED?
NO YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU DESERVE TO LIVE TORMENTED BY THE ****ING MEMORIES OF WHAT YOU DID TO ME!!!
YOU DON'T DESERVE TO TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT OF THIS!!!!!!!
AND i REALLY HOPE THAT WHEN YOU DIE...YOU GET ASS RAPED BY DEMONS
BECAUSE IT'S WAHT YOU DESERVE YOU SICK ****ING PIECE OF ****
I'VE HURT MYSELF BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I STARVE MYSELF BECAUSE I'M SCARED TO BE TOUCHED BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU DID TO ME!!!
I STILL BLAME MYSELF EVERY GODDAMN DAY FOR WHAT YOU DID, AND NOT ONLY THAT BUT I'VE HAD PEOPLE TELL ME IT WAS MY FAULT
SO WHO AM I TO BELEIVE??
I JUST WANT TO ****ING KNOW WHY YOU WOULD EVER DO THAT TO ME??!!
I TRUSTED YOU!
Losing the possibility of something is the exact same thing as losing hope and without hope nothing can survive.
Rest in Love Sar-sis. I'll see you the next time around hopefully <3 12/11/92-05/18/16
AJs mommy ❤️ 11/26/17
Married to my best friend and Soulmate 3/5/18 ❤️💍
I hate to think of you as abusive... but the truth is I don’t remember most of my childhood, and the bits I do remember are painful to think of...
You cannot believe how much I fear coming to visit you... when I am here, at home I feel safe, I start to believe in myself I slowly gain confidence... then I come visit you and in a matter of days end up back at square one. I’m not sure you realise how much damage your words do... physically you no longer hurt me, but emotionally... you cause me to loose ll confidence in myself, to the point whre I do not even believe or trust my own thoughts. I end up fearing to do anything, just in case it’s wrong. Doubt my own thoughts, my own beliefs, neglect any and all wants or needs as I feel I do not deserve anything, ever...
You tell me how fat I look, how stupid I am, how much I am hurting YOU...
The truth is... and this is hard to admit... i think i may hate you...