Triggering (Suicide/Sexual Abuse) - I can't go on

Nici-x · 17-12-2008, 10:04 PM

I don't know if I can do this much longer.
I moved out of the family home in June and moved in with an ex counsellor and her family.(Dad's a peadophile and moms an aggressive control freak) Things were ok to start with, but now, things are awful. She and her family have alot going on at the moment, and the stress of that is showing. I feel like i'm not wanted here and i'm in the way.
Everyone keeps ignoring me, for example right now - I'm sat on my own in the living room and everyone has decided to walk out and sit in another room with the door shut. I feel totally alone and this loneliness is killing me.
I have noone. I have no contact with family, I had to abandon friends because of problems from home. I literally have no one and nowhere to turn to, and suicide is seeming like the best and only option open for me.
I was living on my campus at university but had to move out because my dad was stalking me. Once again he ruins everything.
Now i'm here, where i'm not wanted really, where i'm in the way, and i'm fearing everyday that their going to say 'we've got too much going on you're going to have to go'.. they've already brought that up so it's potentially going to happen.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so scared, but i'm hurting so much. I thought things would be different once I moved out of home. But it's just so hard. I'm living with the 18 years worth of abuse of both Mom and Dad, and now i'm living somewhere where i'm equally as much not wanted. This rejection is killing me. The hurt and pain is so strong and unbearable it almost feels physical.
I'm dreading Christmas and don't know if I can make it past then. I hate the thought of killing myself at this time because I know it would effect the family i'm living with. But what difference does it make? They don't want me here anyway.

I know that the only way to free myself from this pain is to end my life, and so I don't know why i'm delaying it or putting it off. I know that I just HAVE to do it. What else can I do?

17-12-2008, 10:13 PM

Dont feel rejected. They havent rejected you they just seem to be having a few issues. They also probably dont want to put any pressure or stress on you so are trying to deal with it effectively. For now you can talk to people on here. We are all yours friends and maybe we can distract you from these bad thoughts. On RYL you are never rejected and we all want to help support and be your friend. *offers a hug* Dont give up hope.

Feel free to pm for more one to one xxx

teenytineytori · 19-12-2008, 05:43 AM

(((hugs))) i'm sorry things are not going well at your new house. try to talk to your friends from home. don't lose contact with them. Email, IM, and the phone may not be the same as having a person there with you but it helps. and maybe try to volunteer somewhere. it will get you out of the lonely house, give you something to get your mind off your problem, and give the family you are living with time to deal with their issues, and giving back to others usually gives you a good feeling inside. and i know alot of people need help around the holidays. i am sorry things are not great right now. ((hugs))

stumpy davies · 19-12-2008, 06:17 AM

Hi If I lived closer to you i'd offer you round for a while I know how rejection hurts too I was raped aged 8 by my friends dad, confusion sets in, he used to say he loved me then having my dad as an alcoholic & all the rows I had to move out when I was 16 to a housing association bedsit, I think maybe you should talk to the friends your staying with before you make any hasty decisions & explain how you feel I'm sure they'll understand & try their best to help you but if that fails we're here & if you need help with finding housing just pm & i'll do my best to help ok, hope your ok good luck with everything & hope it works out for you hun.

Akira · 19-12-2008, 10:28 AM

You need to talk to someone professional about what you are going through. It is not right that you are going through this alone. Things will get better, just hang on in there.
Please take care.

Nici-x · 20-12-2008, 02:22 PM

Thanks for the replies from everyone, I'm really grateful.

I've had a conversation with the woman i'm living with, and she's told me that I have to be out by the 5th January. This is because her and her partner have to be in court by the 12th and so I can't be here then.

I don't know what to do, I have nowhere to go, noone to go to. I'm really scared and the only thing that feels best for me is to end my life.
I don't think I can bear the thought of living here any longer.
I'm just hurting so much.

Target Dawn · 20-12-2008, 04:05 PM

Do you have any other family members you can stay with until you find somewhere else? That might be one option. Or you could rent a room at someones house for so much a week. There are often ads in the paper about rooms for rent. Have a look and if you don't have enough money to pay, you may be able to apply for an accommodation supplement (at least, that's what we call it over here in NZ).
There will be ways out of this. Research, research and research some more. The internet is good for that and you know, you deserve to get out of what seems like a black pit.