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Old 12-03-2015, 02:53 AM   #1
imperfectionsrme
 
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Bad Dream. Relapse, Abuse, Scared. Advice?

I've not been completely up to par lately.
I've been self harm free for a couple of years now. Yes, I still have days when I think it would be easier to just go back to it, but I've been fighting my hardest to keep moving forward.

The last couple of nights I've had more trouble than I usually do getting to sleep. The last I looked at the clock last night it was about 3 a.m. When I did eventually get to sleep, I had a strange dream that I have had a lot of difficulty pushing out of my head all day.

At the beginning, I was getting ready to leave with my husband. We were about to walk out the door when he suddenly started acting distressed and ran to the bathroom saying he thought he'd lost a tooth. When he came out of the bathroom, he said he would be back and left in the car.

I don't remember all of what happened for a little bit. I think it was mainly just filler material 'till the next part.

I was looking everywhere for my husband. He hadn't texted, hadn't called, and more importantly, hadn't come home for days. I walked into a room and my dad was asking me if there was anything I needed to tell him or let him know about. Then, as I was leaving the room, my mom stopped me. She was asking me all these crazy questions and finally let on something about my husband. I let her know that I was worried cuz I hadn't seen or heard from him and she muttered something under her breath. I asked her if she knew anything and she said she had seen him at the doctor's office the day he left.

I don't remember exact details, but the entire dream I was basically being watched by all these people who had helped me when I began my journey into recovery. I had relapsed and I was under 24 hour surveillance. I occasionally saw my husband, but he acted like I didn't exist and he was with another woman.

At the end of my dream, I called his mom. I was driving down the road by myself. I was going to find him and his mom acted normal on the phone, but kept ignoring everything I said when I asked about him. I kept trying to explain that I was fine and that I had relapsed, but I was doing so much better and I loved him and wanted to see him, but when I was getting nowhere, I decided to drive my car off the road.


I've had dreams about relapsing and him leaving me. THe difference was information that I was given when I relapsed in this dream.

WHen I was asking my mom about what was happening and everything, she asked me if someone who used to be in our lives (my aunt's ex-husband) and I had ever been alone together when I was a kid. SHe kept asking if we had ever been left alone or if I had been caught in tricky situations with him and finally I got her to just come out and ask me if he had sexually abused me.
I just can't get that part of my dream out of my head.


The last counselor I saw asked me once if I had been abused or if there was ever suspicion that I might have been. I don't remember anything ever happening.

I started remembering stuff that I did and that I've dealt with in my dream and today, though. Like the fact that I always had these obsessive thoughts about being raped or molested at night when I was a kid. I started masturbating when I was 10 (I don't think that's normal). I've always felt this horrible guilt about it. As I got older, it became more of a punishment. I did it because I felt like I deserved for someone to do that to me.

I've never told my therapists or my most recent counselor about this. I feel like I really should call her and make an appointment to talk about it, even if only to be able to say it out loud and get it out of my head and off my chest, but I'm scared. I'm scared to say those things out loud. I'm scared mostly because I'm afraid that if something actually did happen and it comes back to me, then things will get incredibly bad again and I'm afraid of losing my husband if that happens.

He says he would never even consider leaving me if things got bad again or I did relapse, but part of me knows that he doesn't understand how it would be, how it would affect our relationship, marriage, and him personally.



I really just needed to at least write all of this. I just can't keep it in.

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Old 21-03-2015, 11:25 AM   #2
Pi.R^2
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Gosh, that really does sound like a stressful dream and it's understandable that you'd be feeling really shaken up by it.

I think it would definitely be worth talking to your counsellor about this. Do you find that you worry about your husband leaving a lot when you're awake as well? If so, that could explain why you dream about it too.

With regard to being concerned that perhaps there was some sort of abuse in your childhood, I don't think a dream putting the idea into your head is necessarily reliable or a cause for concern in itself. However, it does sound like you have some difficult emotions and feelings surrounding sexual things, which would be worth discussing with your counsellor. I would say though that it's actually relatively common for children to masturbate, as they explore their body and realise that it feels good, without knowing initially that it has anything to do with sex.

I hope that all makes sense and that you are able to talk to your counsellor about this.



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Old 03-05-2015, 06:18 AM   #3
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I never made the appointment. I've tried to just forget about it all. Is hard to ignore something you dream like this, but I've tried my best. My head has been playing games with my lately and I've been pushing through it. Thanks for the reply and the hugs.

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