Triggering (Suicide) - only just holding on. (kinda long)

[xxhappydaysxx]

i really am only just here. I dont know why,, i guess theres a couple of things keeping me here, but then not really cos the world would be better without me.
i cant deal wiht anything. I was holding out for counselling but it was terrible. 8 weeks for that. It wasnt awful cos it stirred up emotions or any of that crap but the man didnt talk, he didnt respond to me, he wasnt friendly, he muttered, i could hardly hear him. i cut a lot when i got in, so i rang and cancelled it. i just couldnt face going back there.
so thats 2 counsellors (one initial session before going on the waiting list) nd this one the other day, and 2 trips to the doctor. and i am no where nearer to getting help.
I know that i deserve this cos of things i have done in the past. Really bad stuff. and yeha im not like that anymore, i dont have those anger problems anymore, but its only now that ive realised how bad i was. I walked in on my mum about to jump out the window. I feel sick when i think of it. and i know i deserve to hurt. I wanna kill myself but then i dont deserve not the feel pain.
I know people have it so so much worse than me but something happens everyday. or so it seems. even if its just little. Like my dad, or my friends, or something school or anything. And today i tried to be postive. ok i was pretending alot of the time, but i saw my baby cousin. Only to over hear that my aunty has a lump and has to go to hospital and get it checked out. Thing is i know it is prob nothing, like something to do with her breast feeding but what if its not? what if she has something like cancer... nd has to have treatment? so yeah i sound so dumb but thats just on my mind now.
i hate how i feel. i hate having no where to turn. The thought of going away with my friends in 2 weeks is scarying me so much. its so hard to pretend when im with htem. theyre so pretty and lovely and im me. how the hell will i ever feel better if im always me? and i hate what and who i am so so much.
i just feel sick.
i cant hold on much longer
sorry this is long, sorry for posting. i guess i dunno what else to do

[-Chelsey-]

Getting help is tough, the build up is horrible but then to be let down I know is horrible. Please don't give up with help because of bad experiences. Could you go back to another GP and tell them how bad things are right now?
You don't deserve this, nobody does. Remember, nothing you've ever done will ever stop you deserving treatment and support.
It doesn't matter if you feel people have it much worse than you, If it matters to you, then it needs to be sorted.
Many women get lumps on their breasts through breastfeeding, but I can understand how worrying it may be.
Could you maybe confide in your friends about some of the things that are bothering you? even if they are not major feelings, but things that are bothering you, telling them things might help them to understand you more, whilst also giving you confidence to open up to them in the future.
Please try and hold on, keep yourself distracted, watch your favourite film, listen to happy music, tidy your room, or the Games arcade.
If you feel you want to talk to someone how about live chat, or one of the many helplines?
Then give your doctor a call tomorrow, it might seem a scary thought but it really will be worth it.
xxx

[PolkaDot.]

keep holding out for counselling, its a really great thing that you are getting help you need, and even if you are struggling opening up to the counsellor you can always ask for another one, they are there to help you. the waiting process is long, as is the healing but it will surely be worth it in the end.

have you talked to your mum about the incident you mentioned? maybe talking it through could help answer any unsolved questions and for you to both move on.

you said you deserved to be hurt because you had done bad things, remember no matter how terrible your actions no-one ever deserves pain. its important you remember that sweetheart, you said you arnt like that anymore and thats a great achievement.

darling try not to worry too much about your aunty, only a very small number of cases turn out to be something serious. it sounds like the hospital/doctor already knows that it is a minor problem, so its just a double check.

as for the holiday, just try and enjoy it, your friends are your friends because they love you, not because they dont like who you are. but you should like who you are, try writing down all your good points when you next feel down, ask friends and family what they think is best about you, then keep it in your purse or carry it with you so you can read it when you next feel upset.

i noticed a beautiful quote in your signature, the second one, and it really is relevant to you. as long as you get through these battles that many people face you can learn to love yourself for who you are.

take care and feel free to pm me anytime.

[craola]

The fact that you've already tried to get help shows how strong you are and that you want to get better. What I would suggest is that maybe a councellor isnt what you need, it might be that you need to see a psych instead, thats what I found and it might be the same for you as well.
I think you need to talk through with your family about the past, particularly your mum and the incident you mentioned. Whatever has happened in the past you dont desereve to be so unhappy, no one does. I would definatly reccommend you going back to your GP and explaining to him that councelling does not seem to be working for you, that it makes your self harm increase and is making you more anxious.

Try not to worry about your aunty hun, I know its difficult and scary but finding a lump after having a baby is not that unusual, it could be a blocked milk duct, they'll just be checking to make sure, its better to be safe than sorry though. Theres no point getting to worked up about it at this stage though, if its something else then you cross that bridge when you come to it. I know its not that easy, just try not to get yourself in a state.

I dont know what you like like, but I know you are a lovely person, and I know you're a caring person. I can tell that from your post. Your friends obviously love you, they wouldnt have invited you if they didnt. Maybe it will be a good thing, it might not be as hard as you think. It may be a refreshing break away from things, it sounds like you deserve a good holiday.

Take care of yourself sweetheart, you're not a bad person, you're a wonderful person. Make sure you stay safe hun, keep talking and using the forums, you can talk to The Supporters and use Live Help.
Take care
Aimee xx

[Dan]

Hey Sian. Like i said, it is really hard to forget your past, but you do deserve a second chance, everyone does, it may be hard, but i hope you can let go of your past xxx.

I really wouldn't be better off without you, the fact i spent 2 hours on the phone to you last night means i love talking to you!


Your counsellor sounded like an arsehole, like you said, they are offering a new one, it just depends, sometimes you gel with a counsellor, sometimes you don't, you need to muster up the strength to try and get a one that will help you. If i were in Croydon i'd go with you! But alas, i'm not I'l try and ring you again tonight if i can, i hope you feel better soon Sian, love you too much for anything to happen to you xxxxxxx.

[xxhappydaysxx]

thought id just come by and say thank you for the replies. Im still struggling but im holding on, even if it is only just
thank you for the support
sian xxx