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Old 15-11-2008, 09:24 AM   #1
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"Support for..." Thread FAQ

It's come to the attention of the Community Team that although threads posted on RYL asking for support for someone other than the person who posted the thread (aka "support for..." threads) can be a great help to the person the thread is for, they can also leave other members feeling excluded, because they don't know the people involved with the thread, or because they too have been struggling but haven't had a thread made for them. We discussed this issue at great length, but since "support for..." threads have the potential to do both good and harm simultaneously, we reached the conclusion that there really isn't a good solution. Hopefully some information about these threads and suggestions for those who post them will help push these threads towards doing more good and less harm.

When should I post a "support for..." thread?

There are no rules that determine whether or not to post a thread like this. However, we do want to encourage members to reserve these threads just for times that the other member is unable to ask for support him/herself. If these threads are only created when they're really needed, then people will be more likely to take them seriously, and it's less likely that people will feel excluded by them.

What should my "support for..." thread say?

The more detail you can include, the more helpful your thread will be. Give as much information as you can about why you're posting the thread. Try to avoid simply saying your friend "is going through a rough time, and could use some support." Also, try to make it partly about sharing information with the community, because then it feels more like it's including everyone instead of excluding everyone outside of a specific group. For example:
[person] was taken to the hospital last night after an OD. She's going to be okay, but she doesn't have internet access, so she won't be on RYL for a few days. I wanted to let you all know why she's not on RYL, and I also thought it would be nice for her to have something here to read when she gets back.
Of course, sometimes you can't share anything about what's going on. But if that's the case, then say so. For instance, "[person] asked me not to share any details, but she's really struggling right now, and I think it would help for her to see that people here care about her."

Also, try to tell people what you want from the thread. If you just want them to leave messages that they care about the person, then say so. If you're going to visit your friend in the hospital in a few days, and can print out the thread for her to read, then say that in your post.

Finally, if there's a reason you have "inside information" about the person, other than that you've been talking to them privately online, then say so. If you're posting for a friend who you know outside of RYL (as in, someone you know in the "real world"), then include something about in your post. For example, you could mention that you were talking to them on the phone or in person when you found this out, or that something happened at school that you noticed. That way, people don't feel left out because they think that other people have more or closer friends on RYL than they do, or that the person the thread is for didn't tell anyone else on RYL what was going on.

Why didn't anyone make a "support for..." thread for me?

Most people on RYL never have a thread made for them. It doesn't mean no one cares about you! There are lots of reasons that people might not make a thread for a friend who's struggling.

The first, and simplest reason is that maybe no one knew you were struggling. Personally, I don't tend to ask for help through PMs or outside instant messages, because I just feel more comfortable asking for support from whoever wants to answer, instead of imposing on one person, even though I'd be perfectly happy to talk to someone one-on-one to support the other person. As a result, it's really unlikely that any of my friends on RYL would know about anything I was struggling with unless I posted a thread myself, so there'd be no reason for them to post one for me. But that doesn't mean I don't have friends -- it's just that the way I'm most comfortable using RYL, it ends up that they'd never have reason to post a thread for me.

It can also be that your friends do know you're struggling, more than you've posted publicly, but they're not comfortable making a thread for you. Just like people ask for help in different ways, people also give help in different ways. Not everyone makes support threads for their friends. It doesn't mean they don't care, just that they don't feel it's the best way to help you. Maybe they're afraid it would embarrass you, maybe they don't think it would help, or maybe they're simply too shy to start a thread like that. Whatever the reason, it doesn't mean they don't care about you.

It could also be that your friends are confident enough in your ability to get through things, and ask for whatever support you need, that they don't feel you need them to make a thread for you. Take that as a compliment! It means your friends think highly of your ability to take care of yourself, which is a good thing.

Why do some people seem to have "inside information" about other RYLers to make these threads?

Some of the time, it is just that they've gotten to be friends on RYL, and talk about things privately by PM or instant message. But that's not the only reason someone might "inside information." Some times it can feel like there's some little group of close friends who are all telling each other things that the rest of RYL doesn't know about, but that's usually not what's really going on. Most of us on RYL don't have a "group" like that, so there's no reason to feel left about.

One way people get "inside information" is if they live near the person, and know them in person, not just online. They may have even known each other before joining RYL, but either way, things are often communicated in person that aren't posted online. I don't know anyone on RYL who lives near me, but I know plenty of other people on RYL who have friends on RYL who do live near them, and who they talk to on the phone and in person, so of course they're going to know things about each other that I don't know. It's not because they necessarily like the people near by better -- it's just how it works out.

Another possibility is that the person starting the thread might be a First Aid Advisor or Moderator, who could have "inside information" even about a person they just met, because of their role in the RYL staff. A First Aid Advisor may have talked to the other person by PM about an overdose or other medical issue that lead to that person going to the hospital, and know about the person's medical status because of that. Although Moderators most often create "support for..." threads when editing a post that requires all the original content be removed, a Moderator might have had to entirely delete something the person posted, because it violated RYL rules, and the content of that post indicated that the person was really struggling and needed support, but wasn't able to ask for it in a way that was within the RYL rules.

I'm sure there are plenty of other ways to come by "inside information" as well. The important thing is that it doesn't always mean that someone told someone else something because they just like them more, or they're a close friend -- there are other reasons as well.



Emily



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Old 16-11-2008, 06:39 AM   #2
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Well it breaks my heart to see you this way,
The beauty in life, where's it gone?
And somebody told me you were doing okay,
Somehow I guess they were wrong.




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Old 16-11-2008, 03:30 PM   #3
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The 'why hasent someone done a thread for me' feeling can be tough especially if you have been ill recently - it can knock your self esteem coz you think that youre not worth that and other people hate you because they dont reply to your posts



GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE


Don't let the sphincter's get you down


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Old 16-11-2008, 07:03 PM   #4
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Well it breaks my heart to see you this way,
The beauty in life, where's it gone?
And somebody told me you were doing okay,
Somehow I guess they were wrong.




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Old 17-11-2008, 02:27 AM   #5
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*blinks*

hmm

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Old 17-11-2008, 03:00 AM   #6
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Most know im not a fan of them. I think there needs to be a more concise bullet pointed "best practice" type thread made and perhaps stickied somewhere.

Im afraid i disagree slightly with the intimation that there arent groups of friends on this site. Im afraid thats simply not true. There are lots of them. From groups of 2 (if that constitutes a group) and above. Its natural. People get close on this site. People care for one another and people want to make it known someone they love or care for deeply is hurting.

I will usually only make one of these if i feel the person it relates to is either in hospital or care OR i feel they will benefit and gain from the thread and that there will be sufficient response to warrant the thread being made in the first place.

In the past it got a bit silly with posts being made willy-nilly but i havent seen a probelm in vets ever since posts were made regarding it.

We ALL feel left out at times on these boards. Even the seemingly most popular people can feel lonely and ignored.

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Old 17-11-2008, 03:03 AM   #7
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Can soemone do me a favor and break this down into a few short points because my brain went into melt down about 3 sentances in. It's long and kinda convulted... so if someone could just pick out the points for me i'd appreciate it! thanks!



"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."


- Dr. Seuss


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Old 17-11-2008, 03:03 AM   #8
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Matt, this was posted in several forums and I believe is going to be posted in SD where most of these threads are put.



Well it breaks my heart to see you this way,
The beauty in life, where's it gone?
And somebody told me you were doing okay,
Somehow I guess they were wrong.




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Old 17-11-2008, 03:06 AM   #9
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1. Only post Support For... threads when they are absolutely necessary, like when someone is in hospital, can't get on RYL or doesn't realize they need help.

2. Include as much information in the thread as possible, if you can't provide information for some reason, say so. Don't just say "so and so needs support, please post".

3. Support for... threads aren't made for everyone, but don't take it personally. Some times people don't know you are struggling, don't think you are bad enough to need a thread, they think you are strong enough to handle things for yourself, or they don't want to violate your privacy/trust.

4. Some people like the mods or FAAs have inside information because they have edited posts. Others have inside info because they know the person in in real life, or speak with them off RYL.



Well it breaks my heart to see you this way,
The beauty in life, where's it gone?
And somebody told me you were doing okay,
Somehow I guess they were wrong.




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Old 17-11-2008, 03:08 AM   #10
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ahhhh thanks aidey!



"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."


- Dr. Seuss


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Old 17-11-2008, 07:05 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ninjapenguin View Post
Im afraid i disagree slightly with the intimation that there arent groups of friends on this site.
What part(s) made it sound like that? I certainly didn't mean to imply there aren't groups of friends on RYL, since there clearly are, and if there's something in there that seems inaccurate, I can fix it.

And yes, this was posted in SD and GSA as well as here, and will eventually be stickied in SD. We tried to post it everywhere there were likely to be "support for..." threads -- it's not that we thought that vets in particular had a problem with them :)



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Old 18-11-2008, 06:54 PM   #12
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*bumps*

Just nearly added a bit but found it anyway (in the original post) just about not telling the whole of RYL the whole reason if you want to keep things quiet and only a few members may know... that's something very important to me and I guess it will be to many others too.

Though, I'm pretty sure all the vets realise that and understand people's need for some privacy, it's more the younger members that may need to be reminded so I might make a similar comment in the threads in GSA/SD. :)

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Old 18-11-2008, 08:18 PM   #13
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"Some times it can feel like there's some little group of close friends who are all telling each other things that the rest of RYL doesn't know about, but that's usually not what's really going on."

Im afraid that in its essence IS what goes on. Some perceive it to be a clique but its only a clique when you look at it from the outside. People get close like you say and chat on msn etc. They become friends and tell eachother things.

Im guessing that you are trying to imply there is that nothing sinister is going on and its just friends, rather than a conspiracy against those who dont know? To me it didnt quite read like that though.

On a site full of insecure, anxious and paraniod people this is going to always be a problem.

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Old 18-11-2008, 08:44 PM   #14
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No offence ninjapenguin but I have seen threads and posts that you have made and you are popular and included etc etc and I feel it is because of that that you see things differently.

I often struggled with feeling left out, disliked, that my threads werent important and that RYL was very clique indeed. So when youre someone as popular as yourself you may find this difficult to understand but its relevant to the less popular like myself



GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE


Don't let the sphincter's get you down


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Old 18-11-2008, 09:20 PM   #15
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Oh man. People grouping together is human nature. People really need to man up a bit. That's life. It's not going to change no matter how much people bitch and moan about it. Accept it and move on. *rolls eyes* I am so sick of this same whinge over and over again. RYL is one of the LEAST cliquey places, and yet, people STILL aren't happy. Did you get along with EVERYONE equally in school? At college? At work? What... no? Are you kidding me? Gosh. Fancy that.

Support For threads are such a sweet act made by someone who cares for another. I don't see why they should be poopoo'd like this. Its sad really. If I want to make a support for thread for someone I don't want to be made to feel like a monster for doing so thank you very much.

People will always gravitate towards the familiar. That's human nature. That wont change. If you feel left out, get involved. Become familiar. Don't just sit there complaining about it. That's not going to help anyone. And it's just going to make everyone, including you, feel bad.





*This may or may not be directed at anyone specifically. Just something I needed to get off my chest.

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Old 18-11-2008, 09:28 PM   #16
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Woah, chill out Erin.

This thread was made to basically say to people "it's not a bad thing that you don't get a support thread. Some people are closer to each other than others, and even if you are close to people and you don't get one made for you then it's not your fault."

Dammed if you do, dammed if you don't.




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Old 18-11-2008, 09:34 PM   #17
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pfft :|

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Old 18-11-2008, 09:47 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Queen Crabbit View Post
Woah, chill out Erin.

This thread was made to basically say to people "it's not a bad thing that you don't get a support thread. Some people are closer to each other than others, and even if you are close to people and you don't get one made for you then it's not your fault."

Dammed if you do, dammed if you don't.
Damn straight.

I'm all for these rules.
I don't think it's anything particularly to do with "groups" of friends, that was merely a point brought up in the original thread.
It's more to stop "unnecessary" support posts.
If said user has already posted twice on say..serious, but still recieves one or two support threads, although people mean well, it's unnecessary when said person has already ASKED for support.

I'm all for these.
I often have felt left out when i've been feeling really crap and people who are suffering around me get loads of support and i feel like somewhat of an unloved loner! But i don't think that's intentionally, when you're feeling crap anyway you tend to beat yourself up and listen to the picky voices in your mind telling you how worthless you are.

I don't think banning threads like this would ever work but i deffo agree with the points made in this.
*Nods*

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Old 19-11-2008, 03:07 AM   #19
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^^^I agree. it was just a point. The main thing is having real purpose to make them rather than just makin em without thinking.

Who said anything about banning them?



I try to see things from an outside perspective and i try to see things from a fair and balanced one too. I dont think my opinions are those based on someone who is popular because i dont and cant actually see myself as that. Infact i find it near impossible to accept anything good regarding myself pretty much 100% of the time.

I may seem popular and included on here but infact the reality is that i rarely speak to anyone at all. I have terrible rejection issues personally and i have insecurity issues too.

None of us can truely know what goes on inside anothers head. We can loosely relate most of the time, but its a little different for everyone.

Matthew

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Old 19-11-2008, 03:21 PM   #20
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No one mentioned banning them. Harhar :P
But it was brought up in F&C a while ago, and everyone said it would be pointless banning them, so i think mentally i probably just chucked that in for good measure ;) xx

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