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Old 25-12-2019, 05:18 PM   #21
one_step_closer
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How is your day going so far?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-12-2019, 06:44 PM   #22
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My day is okay.

Did a lot of cleaning, which I really enjoyed. Spoke to K for ~30 min.

I feel guilty about my self-harm plans.



If I only could
make a deal with God.




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Old 25-12-2019, 07:40 PM   #23
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Can you plan something instead of self harm? I don't think it would be good for you or for the people who care about you if you self harm. I know it's really hard though.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 25-12-2019, 10:15 PM   #24
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Thank you...

I know it's not logical but I feel like I *have to* do it. I've been trying so hard not to and even changed my plans to something that might be less damaging because I didn't want P and K and M to have to deal with the likely prolonged treatment I'd need for the previous one.

I have a lot of shameful feelings(they're painful, and the shame adds to it all) and there isn't anything else I can do.



If I only could
make a deal with God.




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Old 26-12-2019, 10:56 AM   #25
one_step_closer
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I can understand the feeling of having to do something, but it's not truly a 'have', is it? I'm sorry you feel so much shame and like there is no other solution, are you unable to tolerate those feelings or reduce them in some other way to make them more manageable?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-12-2019, 01:55 PM   #26
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I don't know, it feels like a "have".

I can't cope with the thought of likely finding out days before NYE that P has ditched me for New Years for someone who has been all jolly this Xmas. It feels too much like I'm being abandoned. I'm so selfish. It makes me feel so ashamed, I've already snapped about it and been unkind. I hate myself. I hate everything.

See I *have* been trying to reduce them. I've been starving for months. I had at least a little bit of control but it's all gone out the window and I can't cope with this.



If I only could
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Old 26-12-2019, 04:50 PM   #27
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Why would it be a 'have', if it was someone else would you accept it as a 'have'?

I'm sorry you're having such upsetting thoughts about what you think will happen in the future. You're being very hard on yourself and people obviously care about you.

Maybe starving isn't the right thing to be doing to help ease things.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-12-2019, 05:33 PM   #28
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It's like a compulsion. I also have the compulsion to check everything is safe so I don't do more harm than intended. I can't stop any of it. I'm afraid that if I lose control I'll do something else which may be worse.

P said they would like to spend NYE with me but that it depends on what the other person is doing(so if the other person decides they want to spend NYE with P.) I don't like this. It feels like someone else is deciding what I'm doing. I don't like depending on other people like that.

It doesn't seem fair, especially because by NYE I will have been mostly alone for ~11-12 days during this bad time, and the other person is chilling at home with family and said they "enjoy the holidays".

I know this doesn't sound right but starving really helps me. I feel in control. Eating makes me feel suicidal and like I'm not aware of my actions.



If I only could
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Old 26-12-2019, 07:12 PM   #29
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I know the power of compulsions, do you think you could try to ride out the compulsion and see if it lessens naturally or is there another compromise you can make with yourself/your anxiety so that you do less harm or no harm ideally?

I can understand your feelings about other people deciding what you're doing for NYE, it must be hard after being on your own for so long over this period. I really hope you can have some company with P or do something else that is good for you.

I also get the control thing around not eating, we all need to feel like we have control over something.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-12-2019, 07:22 PM   #30
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Thank you for understanding Lindsay X

This is it, I've already tried to compromise, changed my plan entirely to minimise the chance of long-term consequences, postponed it because of the buses, decided not no share details of what happened so as not to upset others, changed my plan again to make it less harmful... I'm trying really hard not to do it right now.

There's a party that I could go to for NYE but am anxious about it and about P not being there. Worried I'll have awful feelings and make others feel bad so I might just stay at home.



If I only could
make a deal with God.




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Old 26-12-2019, 09:30 PM   #31
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I hear how hard you're trying, and I hope you can keep trying not to do something harmful in whatever way you can manage that. I know it might not seem possible and you might not want to/be able to fight forever but please keep trying to. It would be so great if you could win over this, and it would be a win.

Is it possible for you to go to the party and see how you feel and if you're finding it's not helpful then you could leave?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 26-12-2019, 10:24 PM   #32
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<3

I am trying. The weight of it all is so very heavy and hard to bear

I have considered going to the party and leaving if I don't feel okay. But I went to a party the other week where I got so unwell I lost touch with reality and had a meltdown because I couldn't figure out I needed to leave or how long I'd been there for... I'm worried this might happen again.



If I only could
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Old 27-12-2019, 03:42 PM   #33
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That is worrying, but also not great to be avoiding things because of worries. I take it there will be some people there who you know? I hope you can figure out what is best for you.

How are you getting on today?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 27-12-2019, 04:02 PM   #34
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It's hard to figure out whether taking time to myself to avoid stuff like that is good or whether it's isolating!

I skipped a party yesterday for the same reason and I have mixed feelings about it.

I feel strange. Despondent I suppose. Anxious about the plan. Anxious about the future.



If I only could
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Old 27-12-2019, 04:12 PM   #35
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Yeah, I know what you mean about not being sure if it's good or if it's isolating yourself. Do you think you might manage to go for a short while and then leave, maybe that would be the best of both so you don't get too overwhelmed.

I'm sorry you're feeling low and anxious about things. How are you managing to deal with it?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 27-12-2019, 04:51 PM   #36
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I don't know if this is helpful, but with regards to events that might be stressful, I try to think about whether or not I would regret staying home more, or regret going more. If I think I would regret staying home more, I try to go, and I always try to plan an emergency out. Like I'll ask a friend to phone or text me a certain length of time in and say that I have to come home immediately, or something to check in and offer me a reason to leave if I need to. Whereas, if I think I would regret going more, then I stay home. It can be a bit hard to predict, but usually once I make a choice using that, I can sort of justify either action to myself which does remove some guilt.



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Old 27-12-2019, 06:17 PM   #37
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Camden - thank you, that is helpful. I am struggling to decide. It's like I would hate not to go just as much as I would hate ruining the party.

I think quite possibly I will go, and plan to only stay a couple hours. I live 5 minutes away from K & her housemate(who are hosting the party).

My head is spinning. P said they're coming back sooner than expected. I don't know how to cope with change. Also I'm really struggling with P making plans in advance with others but not me. Not to mention still not knowing what P is doing for NYE. It's like others are more important. Nothing is clear.



If I only could
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Old 28-12-2019, 12:02 PM   #38
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How are you doing now?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 28-12-2019, 12:16 PM   #39
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A bit low. I did the thing(not as bad as I initially intended) & went to the hospital. Tbh I feel like having gone to the hospital hasn't accomplished much seeing as I feel fine apart from exhausted & can't sleep or go home yet.



If I only could
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Old 28-12-2019, 04:04 PM   #40
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I'm sorry to hear you're low and you went through with your plan. Will that at least give you a bit of peace from the obsessive thoughts now it's done? I hope you can start to focus on something more positive. Hospital is annoying for not getting sleep and feeling exhausted, I hope you get home soon and get some rest. If you want to go home that is?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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