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Old 16-01-2020, 05:06 PM   #81
one_step_closer
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With Goodreads you keep a track of your books and it tells you if you're ahead or behind with your goal and how many books by, or on target. There are also group reads on there too if you were interested in that. Would you do some of the free courses on Open Learn? They could maybe get you back into a scheduling deadlines routine.

How do you normally manage when your trigger dates come up? Are there strategies you use to keep going or people who are there for you? Is there a way to accept the dates and not get too involved with them if that makes sense? I know it must be really hard. Have you had therapy in the past? Have you ever googled MH charities in your area? You might find some that you didn't know existed.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 17-01-2020, 08:55 AM   #82
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I am so sorry for the long post. It's hard to condense my answers.

Never been able to keep up with Goodreads targets but I do want to try again because if I go back to uni it's going to be hard to cope with the amount of reading it'll require. I've never tried Open Learn...sounds promising!!!

I don't really manage. I get increasingly ill, easily overwhelmed, lose touch with reality & hurt myself & possibly others. Tried to have contingency plan w/ P in the past but they just said "you can stay at mine for a while", which wouldn't work/they wouldn't really agree to because they need time alone etc.

I try to spend time w/ people to cope. This past year, P has upset me a lot around trigger dates (which I hadn't told them about). They can be a bit prickly and basically I think I would start acting a bit weird(due to being unwell), & they would say something shitty/have a go at me. This literally just happened on Tuesday(trigger date). It's very hard to deal with.

I've had therapy on the NHS - group DBT. I think I need a different type to help w/ the trauma-related issues. I know there's another MH charity here but they say they only help people with "severe" MH issues which I a) don't qualify for and b) don't agree with on principle (how do you quantify mental illness?). Not a lot of support available due to cuts.



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Old 17-01-2020, 03:06 PM   #83
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It's ok to post a lot or a little, please don't feel like you have to reply in a certain way.

Would you be comfortable telling P about all your trigger dates so that maybe they can be more sensitive to your distress? If they don't know then they can't help/try to avoid making things worse. You don't have to go into detail about anything with them if you don't feel able to.

It's a shame you can't seem to access the support you need. Would you be able to get more support if you changed your GP? When would you be able to do that, I think you've said you need to stick with your current GP at the moment? Sorry if I'm wrong.





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Old 17-01-2020, 06:23 PM   #84
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Thank you <3

I struggle with telling people about the trigger dates. Sometimes I just say I'm not doing too well. But I don't think I would be able to tell P. It's difficult to talk to them about myself. I've tried to explain stuff that I struggle with in general & they haven't been very receptive. On Tuesday we had a fight because of it and they basically said they can't really retain this kind of information, i.e. when I explain stuff about myself. I don't feel like I can talk to them about these things.

Yeah I cant change my GP just yet as I've been on a waiting list for more than a year & if I move now I'll have to start again & wouldn't have a specialised surgeon. Hopefully that should be finalised by April/May. I would at least be able to access local NHS support once I change my GP. But that would also mean waiting for a new CMHT referral which is making me anxious as only they can prescribe my medication.



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Old 17-01-2020, 07:49 PM   #85
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What about your other partner(s), are they any more supportive?

Why would a GP not be able to prescribe your meds until you were seen by the CMHT?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 17-01-2020, 08:25 PM   #86
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K is supportive but isn't doing too well atm so I shouldn't/don't want to rely too much on her. M is a bit distant/doesn't really understand.

They weren't able to prescribe my meds before because they're controlled drugs, but I think they actually might be able to if they had a letter from a psychiatrist instructing them to do so.



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Old 18-01-2020, 12:07 PM   #87
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Is there anyone in your life right now who you feel you can get some support from?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 19-01-2020, 03:24 PM   #88
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I don't know. I don't have a lot of friends or family.

One of my friends was saying the other day that they are struggling to support people because they've got their own stuff going on. K is the same. Everyone is too unwell to offer support. I don't want to make things worse.

The friend I've mentioned above said we could hang out more if I can reach out to them but I don't want to be a burden & I struggle to reach out when I'm unwell anwyay.

I find that I'm spending every single moment when I'm not talking to someone thinking about ways to self harm.



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Old 19-01-2020, 03:47 PM   #89
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Are there other things you can deliberately divert your mind to? Or are you choosing to focus on self harm because you want to? I know it can be easy to get sucked into.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 19-01-2020, 11:33 PM   #90
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It's not like I lie there trying to sleep and I'm like "hmm, what would be a nice thing to think about before bed? I know, ******* my **** off..."

It's what my brain defaults to. Whenever I am alone or sat in silence, my brain drifts back to P and how they just don't care about me, and then it jumps from that to self harm. I'm struggling to focus on other things.

I know the reason P doesn't care is because I'm just too insufferable and not nice to be around. It's why they didn't want to be with me in the first place, and even though I thought things had changed, the truth is I'm just as unpleasant as I always have been. I thought if I explained things to them, if they understood me, it would be different, but they don't want to know. I hate myself.



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Old 20-01-2020, 03:09 PM   #91
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Things are just not improving.

I'm desperate to keep my job & do better at it so I'm seeing K & MC tonight so they can help me write down my accessibility/reasonable adjustment needs. I'm glad I'm getting help & I have people in my life who can do that but my actual issues can't and won't be fixed.

Everything is pointless. There is just more and more pain and punishment.



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Old 20-01-2020, 04:31 PM   #92
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I'm sorry you're feeling so awful. Just because you hate yourself it doesn't mean that other people do. I hope that you get the right reasonable adjustments that help with work at least. Maybe some things can't be fixed but you can learn to deal with things better. It takes hard work and time I know and can be exhausting and look hopeless but please keep trying. Whatever pain and punishment you are getting, at least don't let it come from yourself if you can. Be kind to yourself. <3





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 21-01-2020, 12:23 AM   #93
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Thanks <3

I really am lucky that my friends can help with work stuff. MC is an independent disability advocate & knows a lot about this stuff. They said I should ask my manager to have a meeting with us so we can discuss adjustments, which I will try tomorrow.

I'm just so sad because of everything in life, and on top of that, the stuff with P. I thought they loved me but maybe I was wrong and it really hurts.

I'm going to have to go to the hospital tomorrow because I have what might be a bad burn and I'm not looking forward to it at all.



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Old 21-01-2020, 10:39 AM   #94
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*hugs if ok* I hope you can get to the hospital and get on ok. You deserve treatment if you need it. What are your anxieties about going? Would you try and speak to someone from the MH team there too?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 21-01-2020, 11:38 AM   #95
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*hugs back*

I'm anxious because the waiting times are awful, so it's likely going to take forever. Also because there isn't signal so I won't be able to see if P messages me.

I'm probably going to have to see MH. I don't know how frequently they get someone with self inflicted third degree burns. Tbh worried about how people will react...



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Old 21-01-2020, 05:29 PM   #96
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Could you message P before you go to hospital? Do you have something you can take to try and pass the time? I hope you get on alright.

Edit: also if there is patient wifi you could maybe use WhatsApp if you have it instead of text messages.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 21-01-2020, 05:45 PM   #97
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P hasn't replied in four days which is unusual even for them(they sometimes struggle with messages). I don't want to tell them about the hospital/injury thing yet, they don't react well to this kind of thing...I asked a friend to check they're alright.

WhatsApp would work, but I wouldn't know if they sent an SMS while at the hospital. I'll try and see if they'll let me get a breath of fresh air every now and then once I'm at the hospital - I'm leaving shortly.

There will be WiFi and I've got Kindle on my phone so will try to read.



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Old 21-01-2020, 05:58 PM   #98
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I hope your friend gets back to you soon and P is ok.

What are you reading at the moment?

Keep posting here if it helps.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 21-01-2020, 06:42 PM   #99
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Thanks <3

Turns out my friend is seeing P tonight so I think they're okay.

I'm re-reading The Raven Cycle, my favourite book series. A sequel recently came out so I'm re-reading the series before I read the sequel!



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Old 21-01-2020, 07:11 PM   #100
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I told them I wasn't well mentally & now I have to wait to see a doctor. Doubt I'll be able to go to work tomorrow...:/



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