Yeah so i make a post on V2 about how i think im getting better, i feel different, the dark depression has lifted. Now im filled with terror and im not sure whats going on.
I mean is it suposed to be this scary? Why arent i rejoicing?
Im petrified. I want it all back. I was safe feeling dreadful. It was mine. Something i could retreat into.
The suicidal thoughts are back. Given the choice and the guts, i would take SU over life right now. Im sorry i know i should be positive but im so so scared. I cant cope. I dont know if ill ever cope again?
Has the depression really lifted? has 18 monhs of continuous deep depression suddenly gone or is that some cruel manifestation? I keep crying. Little reality glimpses. How do i rehabilitate myself back into life?
All i see is a future of failure ahead! Is this normal? Is this what happens after being ill for so long? Yeah ive been suffering for 15 years on and off but nothing on this scale. There was always a future after the other major episodes. There was always a future in the in-betweens. Gah i look back and i honestly dont know how i have managed.
Im really really frightened. More than ive ever been. I wish i had the strength do end it all. I know i will **** it all up again. Always have and always will.
Cant stop crying.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Change is scary and when it's on such a humongous scale as you describe it is going to feel terrifying.
I know sometimes I feel so scared about failing things and being a failure that I won't attempt them or I will let myself fail because the part of me that got me into the dark hole of all of this want's to carry on down there as it's safe.
Maybe you could plan to do something fun in a day or so's time and each time build it up little by little so that you always have something to look forward to and to aim for.
You have so much inner strength by fighting and not ending it and that is a great thing
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. ~Woody Allen
Is a chocolate muffin loving glitter ball
Sweetheart, it is scary. And it's not easy. But sorry, you do not even have SU as an option right now, because I, and other people, would be totally devastated ["it's a mother****er"].
I believe that you can do this. And I know that I'm gonna be right here every step of the way. I am the best pest in the world
You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Any time. You can take it at your own pace, and go back a few steps any time you want.
You have your whole life in front of you now sweetheart. And as long as you take it slow, you'll get it back.
I know im probably going to repeat myself here but ah well you should be use to my ramble by now.
You are doing brill. You didnt mess up in the first place!! And you wont mess up again!!
Change is scary, but so is life. Comming out of that bubble is scary, but itsworth it.
Hang on to the memories of what life use to feel like, hopefully soon it will feel that way again.
Its like losing a limb. You will keep trying to use it. You will be so use to it being there that you wonder how you can manage without it. But you do find other ways around it. You find differnt ways of dealing with things, better ways. And one day you will wake up and see that you havnt missed it for a while.
Listen to Chels, she is smart, she is right, you dont have the option of SU at the min, we wont let you. Sorry, but i am putting my foot down on that one and being as stuborn as you are right! so ner!
Your going to get through this and go on to live as the loon we all know you are. And on the way there, we are all here for you. Anything you need, you know where we are.
Thanks.
Saw the psychiatrist today. Told her exactly how i have been feeling. shes doubled my AD's and put me back onto AP's for the anxiety. Not sure how i feel bout going on AP's again as i became rather partial to OD'ing on the last ones as they knocked me out for the day :/
She noticed i had lost wieght so i guess it wasnt all bad !!!!
Saw My psychologist too straight after. Never cried so much in my life! i told her i just dont know what to do and i dont know how to do it and she was dead lovely and said all she wants from me is to turn up each week and breathe. Said i need to take it easy. Just to accept how i am at the moment and try not to punish myself. She said alot of other stuff too but i wont go into that.
Yeah i feel better today. Im totally shattered and exhausted but i cooked a nice dinner which was a minor miracle under the circumstances.
Thanks for the support. xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
...all she wants from me is to turn up each week and breathe. Said i need to take it easy. Just to accept how i am at the moment and try not to punish myself.
Hi Matt,
I can relate to that. I found it really hard to cope with feeling better after being depressed, but it's because depression becomes familiar territory and feeling ok, even happy is so alien. I was suicidal when I was depressed but I also had suicidal thoughts when I was getting better.
Just try to be gentle with yourself, it will take time.
Take care Xx
Breathing is important... never stop breathing!!!! Honey, you're afraid of change. You're used to feeling terrible... and when things start to get better, you lose something that has been a cornerstone for you... the darkness. Sounds stupid, but if you ask alot of recovering people (me included) you don't know what you're feeling because it's new and different and if you ever felt that way before it was so long ago it's just a dream. So you hold on to what you know. Pain and darkness. Honey, you'll get use to it. I promise. It takes time. Time, faith and courage. You CAN do this. I have faith in you sweetheart.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Hey Matthew
hugs you
hold on mate
keep going, i understand how you are feeling right now
glad your psych listened and has given you extra meds
im right by your side
lets try and get through this together
throws some fish your way
Dave
" Use only that which Works, and take it from any place you find it" Im Honoured My RYL Sons are :)Atlantica, ,Saint of Misery, Stevevaijr
My Adoptee :)S_Pod live help
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
even though it is scary and terrifying you and a big change, it sounds like you have made a lot of progress and you should still feel good about that
pat yourself on the back yay!
the one good thing about change is that the longer it goes, the more used to it you get and the easier the adjustment is. give it time and dont rush yourself
I can also completely relate to feeling that way. And sometimes I still feel it but, like everything, it just takes a bit of time to get used to.
If anyone has had depression for an extended period of time and then it lifts you are left wanting it, I think anyway because I know I wanted it. But soon you'll remember how to live your life the way you used to before depression.
I understand what you mean and I believe that you can pull through, just take it one day at a time. And then you'll feel so much better for it, just keep trying (wish I could offer a bit more help).
Aww,hon I'm sorry you're feeling so lousy...please take care of yourself. I'm afraid I don't have much good advice right now. Just remember...not being depressed is actually a good thing (despite how we might feel the opposit).
*big hugs*
Good luck hun.
Alyssa
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
It is scary until you get back into the swing of things, you need to make a bridge between the 'normal' person you pretended to be, and make the leap into reality with them. the worst part of recovery for me was becoming that confident, loud, brashy person i had used as a cover-up for so long, making a leap into public wearing that costume was a lot easier than doing it tattooed on my naked self.
you can do it. you will do it. it's gonna take time. *huge hugs* mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
I'm glad you're beginning to feel better but its kindof crap you've hit a roadblock. It is quite a scary thought...and feeling of maybe you'll get better. The most important thing to remember is that you are not always giong to feel great. It is normal to be a little down sometimes. You'll be fine though and the good feelings wil begin to come back. Being depressed is a "safe zone" because its what you normally felt and its scary to not feel that way. You'll eventually get used to feeling ok. Its wierd but just remember, just like anything, you'll get used to it...good luck.
