Beyond repair. - Page 63

chinahorse · 26-11-2019, 04:25 PM

I'm trying not to think. Because it sets off a negative attacking way of thinking that ends up with dangerous actions. I was going to take an OD but then bertie fell in the bath and I didn't.

one_step_closer · 26-11-2019, 08:13 PM

Please stay safe, you don't deserve any kind of negative action from yourself or from others.

Auror. · 26-11-2019, 08:22 PM

Did Bertie end up all right? I hope you got through the day. <3

chinahorse · 26-11-2019, 08:28 PM

I am just about managing thanks guys. Mostly by denying today has happened in my mind.

As a dear friend said bertie will be ok with time and counselling.

Auror. · 26-11-2019, 08:30 PM

I'm sure with plenty of love from you and time to recover Bertie will be all right. I'm glad he's at least okay physically from the sound of it?

chinahorse · 26-11-2019, 08:41 PM

Hes fine. Moped around for a while. So I gave him his favourite blanket and some treats and he rapidly recovered.

Auror. · 26-11-2019, 08:43 PM

I'm really glad you have each other. <3

chinahorse · 27-11-2019, 04:26 PM

I have such a strong headache and I'm so tempted to take loads of painkillers and 'accidentally' OD. The Man says it will help absorb the evil if take them.

one_step_closer · 28-11-2019, 11:34 AM

How are you doing now? I really don't think the man is talking any sense at all.

chinahorse · 28-11-2019, 01:45 PM

I got shitface drunk last night. Didnt help but I didnt OD so semi win?

I don't feel good today. Physically and emotionally spent. Every time I stop for even a second I just remember how much of a disappointment and failure I am.

I stopped a number of meds on Monday and I'm in so much physical pain its unreal.

chinahorse · 28-11-2019, 02:10 PM

I'm never going to get better or back to where I was functionality wise in Plymouth.

I am so sad.

one_step_closer · 28-11-2019, 04:13 PM

I don't think there is no hope of you functioning better, but it can be a slow process and I know that's often frustrating and disheartening. I'm really glad you didn't OD. Did you stop the meds because of medical advice? Being in pain is not good, it can't be helping with how you're feeling emotionally.

chinahorse · 28-11-2019, 05:16 PM

I'm not getting better. Just worse and worse. Theres no point anymore. None.

I stopped because I've been lactating for MONTHS and its bloody ridiculous that medical people think that's okay. If I was a man no matter how slight the lactation was they'd have all been beside themself and sorted it. But no. I'm female and its 'a minor case'. Fuck them. I was also very very angry on the new med. So I stopped 3 meds that have side effects of lactation, 1 of which was the new med.

Auror. · 28-11-2019, 06:20 PM

Sometimes harm management/reduction is a really important tool. If that's what it took to not od, then it sounds like that was right for you in the moment.

I hear you about lactating, that does sound awful. Do you think once it stops maybe you'll consider restarting a med or two if you think they might help with pain or other issues?

one_step_closer · 28-11-2019, 06:41 PM

I'm sorry you feel like there's no point and you can only see things getting worse. I really hope that even something very small happens that allows you to feel some hope.

Side effects of meds can be really awful. Will you speak to someone about possible alternatives?

chinahorse · 28-11-2019, 07:03 PM

Meh. I don't think I'll live long enough to start meds and see if they don't cause it. I'm trying to decide if sying before christmas is selfish if I've already bought most of the gifts and could leave them wrapped with name tags?

chinahorse · 28-11-2019, 08:07 PM

Cant do this. Stressed. No way out. Am pointless. Worthless. Failure.

Auror. · 28-11-2019, 08:18 PM

What can you do right now to try to stay calm and safe? What's Bertie up to?

chinahorse · 28-11-2019, 08:22 PM

Doing crochet. Keeps hands busy.

Bertie is in the kitchen.

chinahorse · 28-11-2019, 09:11 PM

My mum called.
'Are you ever going to be able to function again or will you be like this forever'
'Its such a shame that job would be so good for you'
'You didnt tell me you were feeling like that about the job's
'Well you need to get financially solvent'

Were the nice things she said to me.
I DID explicitly tell her that I was terrified of the job and not feeling good about it. I called her out on it
She said oh well you must have explained it very well. I used the words petrified and terrified.
I just told her in detail why I didnt go to the job so telling me how good it would be is ahit are you not listening to anything I said?!
Money is such a HUGE concern for me that I'm not sleeping etc because of it. I cant get financially solvent eifht now and saying shit like that stresses me out even more.

I'm not explaining very well but she makes me feel hideous. I feel like death is my only way out.