I think I'm going to die.

[-Shae-Lynn*]

I burnt my leg a week and a half ago and I needed surgery to fix it. This is the first time I've ever needed something so drastic. I've had a million stitches and staples, that's different though. That eventually gets to the point where it's no big deal. This was a big deal and I an't even recognize it.

I've been told three times in the past week and a half by two very respected professionals in their field that if I don't stop this I will either die or become a vegetable. And you know what? I don't believe them! I think that I'm invincible. I've done so many things to myself without any ill effect that now I'm (probably mistakenly) convinced that I can survive anything with just a few scars.

This is going to be my downfall, and at least I'm at least somewhat aware of that, but I feel like I can't do anything about it!

I don't know what to do. I'm not suicidal. I want to be alive. I just don't know what to do anymore. My doctor said I'm decompensating. I want to prove her wrong and at the same time I feel like like it's a free pass to completely fall apart. Last night, at about 2am, I went to the park twice to burn myself, once wasn't enough.

I feel like this is getting completely out of hand and the hospital can't help. I went to emerg before all this started and told them that I was going to get worse and I needed help and the doctor was really honest and said if it was 2053 he could probably do something to help me but the fact of the matter is, it's 2015 and there are no emergency treatments for Borderline. Great.

My sponsor said that every time I hurt myself I have to pick up a white key tag. This is the key tag you get for coming back from a relapse. I feel like this is either going to make me stop hurting myself or make me stop going to meetings. I guess we'll see.

Does anyone have any advice? I could really use it.

[when.will.it.end]

Hi there. I can really relate to this. I often to things that are extremely dangerous but don't think much of them given I've survived so well this far.

I think you need to find motivation to start to recover and also accept that what you are doing is serious and life threatening. Doctors aren't stupid and they don't say serious things unless there is good reason. Treatments for BPD are a joke right now but it's still possible to change with a lot of effort on your part and using what support you do have, if any. Even just using here to vent and figure things out can help.

Sorry this was short, my head is messy but you're not alone with this x

[-Shae-Lynn*]

I'm on waitlists at the moment for two different DBT groups. The earliest I would get in is in two months. I was seeing a private DBT social worker, I had to stop seeing her after I OD'd in February since apparently clinicians can't treat you while in hospital (which is garbage because I was doing outpatient DBT while on a form 3 before) so I stopped seeing her for the 9 weeks I was inpatient and then when I got out she didn't return my phone calls and emails.

I thought, "whatever... I don't need you! I got this!"

I did not, in fact, have anything. I muddled around for a while trying to get through until I started doing serious damage.

Now that "serious damage" isn't enough. I want to jump off a high place and I know that if I do it once it's going to start something really dangerous and I don't even care! I have this ridiculous fascination with a specific high place and it's I don't know what to do!

There is no point going to emerg. I've tried that so many times now and unless I'm acutely poisoned or bleeding there is nothing they can do.

Maybe I should just do it. It's not like it's high enough to kill me. I googled how to survive it. There are videos on youtube of people doing it and surviving unscathed. That would probably be the worst thing to happen to me though, worst than compound fracture because then I would think I could go higher without consequences.

This is really no good. This is infinitely ridiculous!!!

[-Shae-Lynn*]

I have a few skills that I learned while I was inpatient. The problem is when I get really overwhelmed I have a hard time doing them. They stop making sense or simply don't come to my brain. I don't understand why that happens. It's like all of a sudden everything I've learnt is gone or I can't access it.

I got a bunch of hugs tonight at my meeting and that made me feel a bit better. Coming home to my room though... It's like it didn't even happen. It's like none of those people or their caring about me matters. All that matters is the self-destruction.