Just really struggling not to do something self destructive. Recently I've been experiencing a lot of memory loss; not remembering phone calls, conversations, appointments etc, slightly worried that the disassociation from my PTSD is kicking in again but I don't see why it would suddenly flare up again now, and I don't think the memory loss was as bad as this even when my PTSD was at it's worst.
I also just feel really low and have a lot of self hate. I really badly want to cut or overdose or both. Trying to resist but it's hard with feeling so triggered and having so much self hate.
I miss my extended family, and although my grandma has finally after nearly 7 years said that she believes me it hurts that when she told me that she told me she forgives and still loves my abuser, and it's just generally brought things back, even though it's a huge weight off that she believes me, and I'm really missing my extended family, even though I haven't seen them in years.
Basically just really trying not to do anything stupid.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
firstly, you have nothing to be sorry for, you deserve support, and I think it was brave of you to reach out when you are feeling so triggered, it shows you have a lot of strength and fight in you.
Could it be the situation with your Grandma has bought up a lot of emotions which could be triggering the PTSD related disassociation? It must be a relief she believes you, yet very painful to hear her feelings towards her abuser, and those are very conflicting emotions so its understandable it is hard.
Can you talk to your parents about being triggered and see if they can help you, even just putting a film on and sitting in the same room as other people may help, if you don't feel up to talking to them.
xxx
"If only everyone could know and live with their inner craziness…people would be fairer and happier." Paulo Coelho
I think the stuff with my grandma might have triggered things off but it just makes no sense, all I've ever wanted since I disclosed was for her to believe me, and now she does it seems to be messing with my head again.
I have told my parents I'm struggling but not by how much, Dad and I watched a comedy together but now am just listening to music and trying not to do anything stupid. Time like this I wish I was still living alone so I could self destruct as much as I want.
The memory gaps are also terrifying me.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
Maybe like, although you wanted closure, its brought up a lot of emotions, like the time it took her to believe you etc, and all the issues surrounding your abuser.
With the memory gaps, do you have a sense when it is happening? Like if you can feel it coming on, maybe you could do some grounding type techniques to try and stay in the here and now, sort of thing. Can you talk to your team about the memory gaps?
I'm glad you don't live on your own, though I understand how tempting it can be when the urges are so strong.
"If only everyone could know and live with their inner craziness…people would be fairer and happier." Paulo Coelho
With the memory gaps no I don't, I don't even know they've occurred half the time until someone describes an interaction and I don't remember it happening.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
Have slipped up cutting quite badly, not tragic but gaping. Dad saw blood on my hands etc and managed to fob it of as a cut on my finger. Struggling not to do worse.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
I'm sorry am not in a place to offer much right now but want to remind you how much I love you and fluff <3
Keep distracting, please. Put another comedy on or if you're listening to depressingg music then change it to something happier.
I believe in you. I know everything sucks right now but you've got to keep fighting for better days.
The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..
hey buttons i don't know you in daily life but i read your posts and i really like your writing and although i don't know you i know that you are destined fro great things in life i can just feel it.
you are strong even though you don't feel it right now and you can get past this,i think from previous posts that you have come on so much to where you used to be just have a think about that for a minute.
you can do this and you are worth far more then you think i think writing seems to be quite therapeutic for you so keep doing that and try to hold on we are here.
"And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off."
Went to A&E this morning. They want me to go on antibiotics for three days then go back and get stitched but if my arm is healing alright I think I'll leave it.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
*hugs*
It's great to hear that your grandma believes you, but it's understandable that you might be having mixed feelings, due to her forgiving him etc. Do you think you can forgive your grandma for forgiving him [and for not believing you all these years]? And I'm not sure if I've got my stories muddled, but is this the grandma that is very ill?
Sorry to hear you slipped up self-harm wise. Did the A&E staff offer you any crisis support or anything? What is your situation with MH professionals at the moment?
The best I can say is don't give up. Which sounds lame, but it seems like everything is so raw right now and it feels impossible to see that things could improve, but they can. From what I know, you're an incredibly brave young woman and if you can get through this difficult patch, you will have a fantastic life ahead of you.
Sorry if my ramblings are a bit crappy; I appear to have no way with words today!
I hope I can forgive my grandma, especially since she's given me such a gift by believing me, I just struggle to understand how she can believe what he's done, and be okay with it. Neither of my grandmas are seriously ill so think must have some story crossed somewhere, although this grandma is very frail.
A&E offered me to see someone from the MH team, but as I already have my CPN and she's really good I said no and just promised to ring her which I have done but she wasn't there so I left a message.
Also last night my dad and I had a huge row and he really belittled the abuse so I snapped and told him more about the stuff that happened when I was younger which Mum already knew but he didn't (because he said he didn't want to hear about it) and this morning he came to me to apologise, saying he didn't realise how bad the abuse was which is kind of good that he's found out,but yet another abuse related blow (why after 7 years is this suddenly coming back to bite me on all sides???). My head is screwed screwed and more screwed.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
I know completely what you mean about the memory gaps, and how terrifying they are. Is it more scary for you because you don't remember, or is it more that you don't know when or what you're going to forget? Unfortunately I don't really have any good advice - I'm still really struggling with it myself. But it does sound like there is a lot going on for you right now, and I've been told that often memory blanks can be triggered by things that remind you of trauma you've endured, so I wouldn't be surprised if the two were connected. Could it be helpful for you to express to your parents how deeply you're feeling things at the moment?You are so brave for trying so hard to keep yourself safe, even going to A&E, I hope you realize that.
*hugs* Keep talking
Some of us fall by the wayside
Some of us soar to the stars
Some of us sail through our troubles
And some have to live with the scars
