Crashing... need support.

trainingyourzombie · 22-06-2015, 01:08 AM

Father's day has always been pretty hard for me. I guess I can say I'm lucky my father is around, and he's alive... but I don't really feel lucky.
It's been about 10 years since I could say that I love my father, that he's my hero. I spent so long trying to make him proud of me, and I lost a lot of myself in the process.
I'm bitter, angry, depressed... I couldn't even pick him up a card, because it just feels all... wrong. Untrue. A lie.
I told him Happy Father's Day, and he barely acknowledged it.
That's not really why I'm writing this though. Sorry, my mind is a bit jumbled... that's just backstory I guess.
My mom decided to leave my dad just before Christmas. She's been dealing with substance abuse problems, and has decided to go to rehab. For her, and for us. My father is completely unsupportive, and he makes her feel just as small, if not smaller, than he makes me feel.
I woke up to my mom breaking down, telling me that it's time for me to start packing my things. We looked at a few apartment ads... I know it's for the best. I guess I just... I don't know. I'm not good with change, and this is a huge change. My own mental/physical health and substance abuse problems have kept me from moving out of my parent's house, being able to work, or finishing school.
The stress is killing me. I know it is. My doctor told me I need to control it, or I'm at a high risk of having a heart attack in the near future if I can't.
And the thing is I'm not worried about that. I kind of wish it would happen.
I keep thinking of something I read somewhere... "How do you kill your demons without killing yourself? And how do you kill yourself without killing those around you." ... that phrase kind of sticks with me. A heart attack doesn't sound so bad to me...
I don't know. I'm just screwed up right now...
I lost my best friend, my boyfriend, because he thought I was cheating because I was distant... I was distant because I was depressed, but I couldn't get him to understand that me being depressed doesn't mean he doesn't bring anything good to my life...
The other people I rely on for support really don't know how to handle me anymore so I feel like I'm alone in this.

crazykat · 23-06-2015, 12:48 PM

It sounds like you have alot going on but have very little support if any to help you deal with everything going on both around you and within yourself, that's hard. Would seeing a counsellor be an option? If so you could get your GP to refer you onto to someone.

Other than talking to someone it might also help to think about some things that you enjoy or did enjoy as a way of doing something to help relax you. Some people find getting out and doing something physically active can help release some of that tension while others find it helpful to let it out in some sort of creative outlet like writing or some form of art. I guess it doesn't matter what it is but I think it is important to have something separate from all the things that you find stressful and do something that is enjoyable instead. Best of luck with it all. Take care

trainingyourzombie · 27-06-2015, 12:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crazykat

It sounds like you have alot going on but have very little support if any to help you deal with everything going on both around you and within yourself, that's hard. Would seeing a counsellor be an option? If so you could get your GP to refer you onto to someone.

Other than talking to someone it might also help to think about some things that you enjoy or did enjoy as a way of doing something to help relax you. Some people find getting out and doing something physically active can help release some of that tension while others find it helpful to let it out in some sort of creative outlet like writing or some form of art. I guess it doesn't matter what it is but I think it is important to have something separate from all the things that you find stressful and do something that is enjoyable instead. Best of luck with it all. Take care

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I'm definitely dealing with a lot of stress with little support... I see a counselor every few months but the mental health care where I live is extremely poor. While it helps to talk, I know I need to see a psychiatrist, which is unfortunately impossible in my area unless I ended up in the hospital after doing something terrible... and being institutionalized isn't really an option. I guess I really just feel stuck.

I've been trying to use my old outlets, writing, reading, drawing... but ive been too depressed to finish anything i start, so it ultimately ends up making me feel like a failure. I know thats not accurate... but mental illness is in no way rational as all of us who have dealt with it knows. I find it hard finding enjoyment in things i used to, and my options are limited because of where I live. I've been wanting to join a gym or some sort of martial arts program for the physical stress release, but medical problems (lower spine degeneration causing sciatica) slow that down. I'm waiting for physiotherapy to hopefully improve that and see where my physical limits for activity are.

crazykat · 27-06-2015, 04:07 AM

I'm sorry your stuck with little help, is it possible to see your counsellor more often? It sounds like you are doing all the right things, well as much as you can within your limitations. I can understand the feeling of failure when you can't complete something you used to enjoy but remember failure can't happen unless you don't try and your giving it a go so that to me isn't a failure. Keep plugging away at things, you'll get there. Take care