Struggling with new and old issues.

[LozzyGirl]

Hello everyone.
Some may know me as I have said in other threads. I used to be on here quite a lot.
But things got really bad for me, and I wasn't really talking to anyone, not even my closest friends.
I am still struggling as I will go on to explain in a moment. But just wanted to explain this first.
I used to be known as LunaticLorraine, so you may know me under that username.

So.
Since I was last here I have been transferred over to adult mental health (In the UK) and I am finding them a lot better than CAMHS. I have a psychiatrist, an Occupational Therapist, and they want me to have a CPN also. I have now been officially diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression and Social Anxiety Disorder. Next time I go I'm going to ask for more information on what I have, as even though I have researched it I don't fully understand it. I also want to know what treatments are available for me.
I have recently been cut down on my meds to change onto a different one. I'm getting withdrawal effects. Most likely because I have been on these meds for around 5 years. I asked for the new meds though, and I am very happy that they listened to me, as my old psych never did when I asked for something.
I keep remembering things from my childhood that don't make sense to me. I remember my dad coming in to my room naked when I was around 5/6 years old, but I don't remember anything after that. Naturally that worries and confuses me. My dad has also confessed to me recently that he hurt me when I was a baby. I am now also convinced that my dad hates me. Most of the time he treats me like shit. Like I'm his slave to do what he wants. He doesn't ask me to do anything for him, it's more like he's commanding me. And he has a go if I say I'm busy or something. Me and him went shopping earlier, because my mums just came out of hospital from an operation, and when we got back I said I couldn't help him bring the shopping in as my back was really hurting. I have a problem with my back and am on painkillers and am waiting for an appointment for physiotherapy. I told him I'd go inside and ask my brother to help. My brother wouldn't. I physically couldn't and neither could my mum. Dad brought the shopping in himself but you could tell he was in a bad mood cause he was throwing everything around. Mainly my stuff that I'd bought for my cat (Out of my own money, so he shouldn't have been having a problem with that) My mum went in to see what was wrong and they got into a huge row, yelling at each other. My dad tried to say that I do nothing to help around the house, that when my mum was in hospital he was doing everything. When my mum was in hospital I was cooking and washing up, while going to college nearly every day of the week. If he asked me to do something while my mum was in hospital I did it. But eventually he just took the piss. Like he asked me to take my ironing to my room, I said I would in a few minutes as I'd just got in from college. (I'm doing a Musical Theatre course which is very physical, and then walked home from college which takes 15-30 minutes by foot) and he had a go at me! I never said that I wouldn't do it, I just wanted to sit down for a moment first. I had literally just walked through the door and sat down. I was shattered. I'd been dancing for 3 hours before walking home. So today when they'd finished having a row I was terrified of doing anything wrong in-case he had a go at me. I went to pour myself a drink and dropped the bottle of pop smashing a glass and getting the pop all over the floor. I could tell he wanted to have a go at me but my mum just kept saying 'It's cause she's changing meds, she's getting withdrawal effect becoming shaky and lightheaded' which is true. I swear my dad thinks I'm not ill at all, just lazy. Which I'm not.
I also can't cope with college and I've not even started long. I just don't know where my life's going because I just can't cope. I don't know what to do.

[Fire Fly]

Hey,
Sorry you are having a hard time with your dad at the moment. That seems really scary remembering that kind of things from your past and then just going blank. Have you managed to tell your therapists in the past about this?

Im really glad that you are finding your new CMHT to be really helpful and supportive compared to the team you were with at CAMHS. Your new psych might try new medications now because you are older and therefore are able to have different medications compared to when you were below the age of 18.

Hopefully you will get a CPN... It will be good having the extra support and someone you can talk to and vent to and also someone who can keep an eye on you and notice whether your mental health was deteriorating.

Sorry things have been so bad for you recently; hopefully you will get the support again from RYL that you are looking for xxx

[LozzyGirl]

Thanks for your reply tinkles.
I haven't told my therapist yet, as I've only just been referred to them, and my last appointment was only my second appointment other than my assessment at the start. I'm hoping they get me a CPN soon then I'll talk to her about it. If they haven't sorted something by my next appointment I'm going to ask.
I know what you mean about meds.

[PassedExpectations]

hey, i'm soooo glad to hear that you've got a different psychiatrist, i hope that this one is miles better than your old one :)

how are you managing the dancing and such if your back is so bad right now? it sounds like that would be really painful.

perhaps you could talk with your parents about what chores you are able to do and which ones you aren't so that you can be responsible for ones that are manageable and everyone understands who has what responsibilities....

[LozzyGirl]

Katie! I've not spoken to you in ages!
With the dancing.. I'm not managing very well. I'm doing Musical Theatre at college which involves a lot of dancing.
I'm very uncertain about things right now. I'm regretting not going to a different college to do horse management. I just... don't know what I want.

[LozzyGirl]

I'm struggling a lot right now.
I've been told (In a nicer way) that if I don't get my attendance up at college I'll be kicked off the course. My tutor was very nice about it, she's really understanding about my mental health. But I need to make a decision by tomorrow whether I'm staying at college or not. If I'm not staying at college I don't know what to do. I've already wasted one year doing nothing and it looks like I'm in for another year. I can't cope. If I can't cope with college how will I cope with working? How will I cope with life? If I can't do the most simple things what am I going to do? I can't cope with this. With life in general. I'm feeling suicidal again just because I need to get out of this life. The only thing stopping me are my family and friends. They'd be devastated. And my cat. My cat means everything to me. Everyone says I'm over-protective with him, and I know I am. It's just if I lost him... I would literally fall apart. I know animals don't live as long as people, I've grew up around animals so I know this. But he's only 9 months old. I can't loose him yet. I want him to live a very long life. I take him to the vets regularly. Even got pet insurance for him. I cannot loose him.
I really can't cope right now.

[PassedExpectations]

working and going to school are often really different experiences. if you start with a part time job, you might find that working is manageable and has less that you have to do when you aren't there....

[LozzyGirl]

It's just the motivation Katie. I don't have any right now. I haven't even gotten dressed today cause I don't have the motivation or energy. My mums noticed loads of signs that I'm going downhill. I'm not taking care of myself, or my pets. I'm hardily leaving the house, I'm not eating properly. I was already underweight,(Not by much!) I'm gunna go check see if I've lost more and if I have I'm gunna mention it to my psych. I have an appointment in two weeks but I don't know if I can wait until then. But I doubt they can get me in before hand. I'll just have to cope.
I'm terrified they're gunna admit me to a ward but I'm also thinking it might be best. I've wanted to go and buy some bandages and dressings ect so I can cut, and maybe even razors so I have a new blade.
I went and got my nails done the otherday in an effort to make myself feel better but it didn't work. For many reasons really.
1 - I was on my own, and I get anxious in new places.
2 - The people there weren't English. (I'm not resist, I'm just not good with accents and get embarrassed and stressed when I can't understand what they're saying)
3 - I happened to forget that I get really uncomfortable if people play with my hands.
4 - They didn't give my nails time to dry before asking me to pay, so the woman (without asking) Put her hand in my pocket to take they money out. She took the correct amount I just wasn't comfortable with the contact.
5 - The nails are now pissing me off. I want them off but they're acrilic so I can't get them off yet without taking my nail off with them. Might find some tweezers or something and hack at them.

end of the story. I'm not coping. I want to go out and see people but everyone is busy or just ignoring me. I really can't cope right now. I'm really struggling.

[LozzyGirl]

Seriously, I have had enough.
Of everything, this life, my life, I've had enough.
What do I have in life? Nothing, absolutely nothing. My life is nothing. It's not even a life anymore it's an existence, and a pathetic one at that. I have tried to change that, so nobody can say I haven't tried. I tried to go back to college but couldn't cope. I've tried to get out and see some friends but no one has answered me. No one gives a shit, clearly. If I told my mum how I'm feeling she'd just make me feel worse. She doesn't mean to, I know she doesn't. She just makes me feel like I have no right to feel this way, which makes me feel guilty which makes me feel worse.
I just want to break down, it probably won't be long until I do. I am trying to contact friends but nobody is answering! They clearly don't give a shit. Either that or they have better things to do. Right now I just want someone to hold me, tell me it'll all be okay, that I'll get through this, that they'll be with me all the way.
But that won't happen. Because everyone I ever care about fucking leaves me! They all leave! I know, I know, I push them away, but I don't mean to.
I want someone to hold me, to sing to my while I go to sleep. But there's no one.
No one cares.
I want to die.
I've not said that in a while. That's a sure sign things are bad. Very bad. I'll call my psych on Monday. Tell them I'm really struggling. They'll probably send me to a unit or something. Refer me to the crisis team. Whatever. I'm passed caring right now what happens to me