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My life feels like it is just passing by
Hello dear community,
I'm here looking for some advice and/or for people who might share my feelings or situation. Furthermore, this may just end up being a scream to talk to somebody.
To value my situation a bit better, here is some information about me:
I'd say I'm generaly a very positive person. I try my best to look at things from a positive or unusual perspective. I'd never think about things like giving up on life, harming myself, or similar themes. And even if I believe depressions can be handled by yourself and your attitude, I still feel like I'm falling into a depression myself for the first time ever.
I'm 24yr old male. I was forced to move to another country and learn another language at the age of 12. My dad never cared about me but for my half-brothers he cares. My mother struggles with alcoholism. Near family members failed to incorporate themselves in to the new country and left. I ended up moving away on my own at the age of 15 far away from all family members. Since all this caused my grades to drop heavely, I decided to focus on school, and so I did for a few years. When I finished school, the chaos started...
Due to all of the above I found myself with no clue what to do with my life. Without money. Without hobbies. Without money to pay hobbies. At school nobody has had anything against me. I could small talk to most and always had someone around. But thats it. No matter how hard I tried, nobody wanted more from me. I was never interesting enough. And so, contact was lost bit by bit. I decided to keep studying just to keep going the same way as before.
At some point I was more than just tired of the same old life everyday. I decided to give it a try and went to the military. I left my studies instead of finishing them and went for it. It was fun while it lasted. A month. Because I broke smt inside my knees. I had no choice but to ask my mother for help. Her new boyfriend ended up ruining my life, making up lies. Now I have to pay money to him every month even though he hit my girlfriend. Money that I do not even have for myself.
I do not have my studies finished, no job learned, no friends, no money, no hobbies. I refused to give up. Moved yet again away with my girlfriend who already has a daughter that is not mine. Hoping for a new start which is not working out since we cant even make it until the mid of the month since she has also no studies since she got pregnant way too soon.
Here I sit tipping my life in to a forum I just registered. A life summed up in 3 lines because it is the most boring thing ever.
Day by day I apply to jobs I dont like that do not even bother answering. Day by day I try to meet new people in a big city who meet me 2-3 times and say Im cool and that they would like to hang out again, but again is never happening because they already have better friends. Day by day I phantasize about having a hobby.
I'd like to dance. I'd like to sing. I'd like to do martial arts. I'd like to throw all my stuff away, put a backpack together and leave forever. Leave to a place where everything is wonderful. Leave to a place with interesting stuff. Leave and not worry about the prize of ice cream or what I will have to cook tomorrow. But I'm broke, talentless and old.
And at the end of the day, I just sit here and lament.
Id simply like to change my life. My years keep passing by and I achieve nothing. I take as much care as possible but bad messages keep coming in, one after another. Things that I cannot influence. As if something in this world wants to restrict me to where I am right now, telling me that I am not ment to have a better life than this. That I am just one of a million in the system and no special snowflake who could reach a goal.
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