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Old 02-12-2014, 02:24 PM   #1
jessmarie123
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Please help, freaking out!!!

I've been feeling really insecure about my weight lately. I am technically "recovered", but I am feeling hopeless about finding a balance between eating and exercise. I thought I have a highly active lifestyle, but maybe not active enough. I maybe have been eating too much, but I don't feel like I can stop. I'm using food as a coping mechanism now for my stress and loneliness. I'm so confused and feel fat and horrible. I'm triggered by so much around me.
My big issue is that this morning, for the first time in months, I found out my weight. I'm more than I thought, heavier than I ever thought I'd be again. I feel like I have a complete lack of will power, and am so full of self hatred and criticism. I know I need to talk out my problems, but I feel the need to hold them inside and swear off eating again. I'm in school, shaking and trying not to break down.


Last edited by crazykat : 12-12-2014 at 02:18 AM. Reason: removing numbers, please see PM



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Old 02-12-2014, 02:34 PM   #2
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Well if you have a active lifestyle that can make the weight go up. This could easily be water retention and muscle weight do to exercise. Muscle weight, weigh alot more than fat and its really easy to retain water. Hugs

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Old 02-12-2014, 02:34 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maybeline View Post
Well if you have a active lifestyle that can make the weight go up. This could easily be water retention and muscle weight due to exercise. Muscle weight, weigh alot more than fat and its really easy to retain water. Hugs
Sorry i am messing up here...didnt ment to qoute myself

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Old 02-12-2014, 02:39 PM   #4
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Oh dear.. first as you read this I suggest you take five seconds to let yourself freak out. What I mean is while you count slowly to five in your head let yourself cry, silent scream or safe things like that. I say this only because I have been doing that to help myself know it's okay to be upset but then I do have to move forward.
Then I would try to focus on things that have nothing to do with you. Maybe if you can right now get yourself to write a list of things that need to be done or homework that you want to get out of the way first. I know in school it's hard to know what to do when you may not want everyone around you to start focusing on you. Maybe you have a good friend that can help talk this out with you. One that you trust with this stuff.
I know the adjustment is hard personally I have not experienced what needing to gain weight is like my ED is more bulimia. But I know that any weight I do gain I have trouble with to put it lightly. Also being a normal weight doesn't always mean recovered from and eating disorder. It's okay to have trouble and its okay to not always 100% okay with what is going on. You are still human and still a person with lots of emotion.

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Old 03-12-2014, 10:30 AM   #5
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'Recovered' weight does not equal 'recovered' mind. For me personally it's taking a lot longer to sort out the mess in my head than it did to get back on track with my weight. Don't let the idea of being 'recovered' mean you don't let yourself cry or get upset or ask for help. Talking to people is the best thing I ever did.

You can see it yourself if you read back your post - stress and loneliness > coping mechanism. You need people in your life - people care about you, and they will listen and they will help. I promise!!

Remember that the scale is an absolute demon. You didn't think you were that weight before, and you were happier before you stepped on the scale, right? Now just because of a number, you feel fat. I can totally relate - but can you see how strange that sounds?

xxxxx

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Old 03-12-2014, 05:43 PM   #6
jessmarie123
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Thank you all for your advice, but I feel like a bit of a lost cause. After 2 years of recovery, I shouldn't be screwing up like this. I'm trying to reach out for help, but it's not helping. I'm feeling really alone and don't know what to do. I can't accept the weight that I'm at. I'm so ashamed of myself. I feel vain, but I guess I still factor my weight in my self worth. At this point, I'm scared to eat. I logically know that I need to eat, especially with 6 hours of cheerleading tonight, but I'm afraid that I'll overeat and i feel dead-set on losing weight. I'm so tired and lost and confused.


Last edited by crazykat : 12-12-2014 at 02:20 AM. Reason: removing what eaten, please see PM



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Old 03-12-2014, 05:49 PM   #7
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I'm several years into recovery and some times I still freak out and give in to behaviours and thoughts etc. It is not screwing up it is being human.

Do you have any professional support for working on your self esteem? Is there anything else going on in your life at the moment? I often find it is when I am struggling with something else that the EDness creeps back in.

Do you think you could plan something to eat before you go cheerleading? Your body will thank you and you probably will do better at cherrleading having fed your body first.

One thing that I try to hold on to when I start to struggle again is that I have the Ace up my sleeve. I know I can beat these thoughts, I know I can be the victor and that voice lies.



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Old 03-12-2014, 07:18 PM   #8
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I have a counselor, but I haven't seen her in awhile. I was doing really well, being happy and more carefree about life and food, but since I found out my weight, I've been flipping out. I think my problem is the realization that I have been falling into the opposite direction, using food to cope, that sent me spiraling back into starving myself. Honestly, I don't know if I can eat. I feel so weak, I don't want to do anything and I know I need to eat, but I don't think I can. I'm so scared and unhappy after finding out my weight, I feel my body and get stressed and critical. I don't want to be me right now, because of my weight. I felt suicidal last night and got really desperate and scared. I can't eat because I have to fix my weight problem.




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Old 05-12-2014, 01:04 PM   #9
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ED Feels like my friend again. I don't know whether to be scared or relieved. I guess the good parts are that I'm feeling less alone and weight is already coming off. The problem is that I'm exhausted, weak, and obsessive. I'm so stuck...




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Old 05-12-2014, 04:47 PM   #10
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Hi, sorry to hear you're struggling at the moment. Understand your fears but part of you must be aware those fears are not real, yiu wouldnt be writing here otherwise :)
Yiu say you were doing fine, enjoying cheerleading so it sounds like your weighr didnt have anything to do with your happiness. The number didnt mean anything, what meant everything was the life you were leading.
Another bad thing with weight loss is that you wont have enough energy for training and you might need to quit. Is it really worth it?
What sometimes help me not slip completelly is looking at my photos when i was at my lowest weight and thought i looked great. Now when i see them, i look ill and its sad. You might try this and it can help remembering how awaful ed acctually was.
Really hope you resist and continue with recovery :)

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Old 06-12-2014, 02:25 AM   #11
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Little update: lost weight and overall haven't been eating that great, but I went shopping and ate a decent amount, so it's a step. I'm struggling with accepting my weight and stopping comparing. I feel pressure from Ed, but I'm also feeling like I need to reach out for companionship and love instead. I guess my life is better without the obsessiveness.


Last edited by crazykat : 12-12-2014 at 02:21 AM. Reason: removing numbers



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Old 08-12-2014, 01:10 PM   #12
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Major emergency...I'm sorry for posting so much and feel like a burden/drama queen, but I really honestly need help. I feel so desperate and lost. I'm so anxious about my weight and my life in general, I'm being forced to eat, and I'm feeling completely alone and unsupported by people around me. I can't trust myself to make decisions. Sure, I know good days are possible for me, but the horrible days like these make me want to not live anymore. I don't feel like I can do anything. I was so close to cutting and taking my bottle of pills last night. I couldn't get to sleep. I wanted everything to end. I was so scared, and I still am. I feel hopeless.




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Old 08-12-2014, 01:47 PM   #13
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Hey lovely what happened yesteray that made you feel like that? Is there anyone there with you that you can talk to, family, friend, doctor? Please try and speak to someone as you really dont want to continue this struggle alone xxx

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Old 08-12-2014, 02:54 PM   #14
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Hi marimar, thank you for responding, I feel so alone. Honestly, I can't really pinpoint a specific thing that happened yesterday that stressed me out. I've been in a downward spiral since I started restricting due to my weight. All my behaviors are coming back, and so are all the feelings. My relationship with my critical, narcicisstic mother is always painful. She never seems to understand me or even try to help, so that makes all my stress and behaviors so much worse. So does my exhaustion and weakness. I'm so on edge, but I feel like a burden for needing help. I'm desperate. I purged for the third time in my life last night, and i hate myself for it. i'm going to the doctors today, so I'm thankful for that, but i'm afraid to show my weakness and be a burden and a drama queen. My nurse there is the person I go to for everything, and I don't want to hurt or bother her. I'm alone, but afraid to get help. I'm so frustrated.




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Old 08-12-2014, 04:01 PM   #15
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You are weak now phisicaly and all the problems seem even bigger because of malnurishement. You need to be strong to face the problems, to find solution and be happy. When your body is lacking something so basic as food, all the rest - family, school, love will also suffer, there wont be any energy left to deal with all that.
Undestand that you dont wanna be a burden to anyone but please dont feel like that because nurses and doctors are here to help us, it is their job just as it is your job to take care of yourself and seek help when you cant cope on your own. Try and talk to them today, you might need just an advice from professionals or they might be able to offer some other type of support.
I am not sure about your mom, if you are confident she wont be able to help than ok. But give her some benefit of a doubt and maybe try talking to her at some point, after the doctors appointment. It is important to have support in family and friend when you are struggling xxx

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Old 11-12-2014, 06:22 PM   #16
jessmarie123
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Still struggling. I went to the doctor, and got my medication increased, but I'm still a mess. I'm trying to reach out to my family, but they seem to trigger me more. I was stressing about feeling fat and told my mom, then she had to point out to me how many calories she had burned. Then when I tried to exercise, she yelled at me and made me stop. I'm not underweight, so I don't know why. All I know is that I'm a problem. I'm debating checking myself into a mental institution so maybe I can fix myself. I feel so alone.


Last edited by crazykat : 12-12-2014 at 02:22 AM. Reason: removing numbers. please see PM



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Old 15-12-2014, 05:57 PM   #17
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I am honestly not sure whether I want to feel better, or just be done with everything.




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Old 19-12-2014, 04:12 AM   #18
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I am in no great position to give advice but I want you to know you are not alone in that feeling of not wanting to recover and just wanting to go back. I am in that boat myself with all of my issues. My eating is not in a great state either. neither is myself harm. You are not alone.

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