Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - was it sexaul assualt? how do i cope? (will try to keep this ungraphic but may fail sorry)
hi,
having read a few threads here i feel so stupied, im totaly overreacting, what happend to me was clearly not as bad as what other people have gone through. i feel a bit of a fraud to be posting here, its taken nearly a week to work up the courage to post this but here goes.
just over 3 weeks ago i was sexualy assualted (i think) by a friend of mine. i have only know this guy a few months but i felt like the three of us, there was a group me him and another friend, had knowen eachother forever. im at uni so everyone is alone and you make friendships very fast. anyway, i was so dumb to let him sleep on my bed but we all just fell asleep during a flim (sat on bed) and so we sleept their, i didn't think about it at the time. you see he was safe, really safe, we didn't really think of him as a guy he was just a friend. but at so point my other friend got up and went to sleep on the floor, as she was too hot. i sleept through her leaving.
i don't know what happend then, how long it went on for or why, but when i woke up he was, god this is hard to write, he was basicaly simulating sex with me with his thigh pressed against my groin. he hadn't taken off my clothes or anything. the worst thing is i was such a cowarad, i didn't do anything i just turned to look at the wall and wished for it to be over, i was so scared. he says he was half asleep and didn't know what he was doing, but he also says he thought i was awake, aprently i was reacting which makes me feel sick. i don't know what to belive im so confussed and i dont like to think about it. thing is im not even sure if it was a sexual assult, if he thought i was awake is that the same thing?
i guess im hoping that writing it all out (though i have left out all the graphic memories because i think thats best at the moment) will help telling people is so hard, only 3 people know apert from me and him and only one really knows what happend the others just got a vague idea. i just feel like a slut, confussesd and scared i was so dumb and such a coward. the flash backs are getting better but about a week after it happend i found cutting as a way to numb the pain, and now im scard of myself too. i feel it was my fault, which on one level i know it wasn't, but i put my self in that situation, i trusted him when i barly knew him, i reacted, and i didn't stop it when i woke, im hardly blameless am i.
i know what happend to me wasn't so bad but i can't seam to get over it, my life has fallen apart and in a week i have to go home to my parents and try to act normal, i don't know if i can do that. my other frined is still friends with him, which im finding very strange. anyway anyone got any tips on coopeing or at lest covering up cuts and pretending to be normal?
thanks for lissening to my long ramble, this may have been the hardest thing i have ever had to write.
dont compare your problems to other peoples, it doesnt help just makes people feel worse, i think the majority of people have that basic fear before they post.
its an awkward situation, if you didnt want that sort of contact and it happened anyway it was his fault, but then again, if you say you didnt do anything to tell him you didnt want want that sort of contact he wouldnt have known.
but if hes lying and knew you were asleep thats a different thing alltogether.
its hard to know whether it was sexual assault.
but that doesnt matter, its how it effects you that counts. its not a nice situation to be in.
im sorry if this makes no sense, pm if you want to chat
don't feel like a fraud... it doesn't matter what you've expiriance or how severe you think it is we are not going to judge... well done for getting the courage to post
I'm not sure what this would have been legally... but that's not the most important thing, what's important is how it made you feel and affected you. It sounds like a complex situration... have you had a proper talk about it with them? or with your other friend?
to spoons - well i never wanted anything like that, and never indicated to him that i did, i just didn't say stop when i woke up i couldn't do anything i just froze. i really dont know if he knew if i was asleep or not but as a friend said, when these things are consensal people kiss but he says he never kissed me and if he had surely he would have known i was asleep, but i don't know hence why im so confussed.
to shadow light - no i cant realy talk to the one friend who is around, the others are far awa and we talk via internet, is still friends with him and has issues in her paast that make me feel awful going to her and she has on ocation asked me to back off and give her room, so i feel very alone there is nobody to talk to really, most of my friend are his friends too and where his friends first so i dont feel i can tell them whats happend either. i guess that why im here so i can tell sombody
sorry to have gone on about weher or not my post was ok, i just keep getting told what happend wasn't that bad, i just feels that bad to me but then i feel guilty for feel bad, talk about vicous cyle
Last edited by danskpige : 15-12-2008 at 01:59 AM.
try not to compare your expiriance to the expiriance of others, and try not to let others do so either. How an event makes you feel is the important thing, not how bad it seems in comparison to others
and for the record I don't think that you are over reacting or anything like that
thanks for your replies, it just seems that everyone who i tell who is meant to help tells me im over reacting or that it will get better and i just have to wait. i whent to see a doctor today to see if i could get some sleeping pills and she said the same. im not sure who to go to for help, everyone just says go home and get over it. being alone never bothered me befor but now i feeli needpeople and have nobody.
sorry for a whiny post again, will try not to moan next time.
you're not moaning nor being whiney. well done for going to the doctors, sorry that they were less than understanding... did you get anything to help you sleep?
sometimes people just can't understand how much things can affect people unfortunately...
thanks i think it actualy gets harder to tell people, as if the more who know the more real it is (does that make any sense) for all the good it did me. the doctor gave me 6 sleeping pills she wouldn't give me any more 'just in case'. but i may sleep a whole night without nightmares tonight which would be so nice.
i just feel that everyday im going futher and futher down, how much futher can i go? im ethier in a totaly emotionless state or im a total mess. i know the one this will all be distanct memory but right now i cant see that far ahead, im taking every couple of hours at a time.
im sorry the drs didnt go aswell as you hoped.
drs are normally reluctant to give sleepingpills they like natural sleep ad dont want people to become dependant on them.
eeeppp just got back from the councilers, she is desperatly trying to get me to tell her what happend but i just can't, i can't get myself to say it out loud, i can gloss over it say a few easy bits and let people fill in the blanks but i acutal can't get the words out of my mouth. she ended up asking me what i thought she should do because she had no idea, how is she supposed to help when she has no clue and i can't tell her any details. sorry im a bit manic atm i just want to get over this why is that so hard.
i might be wrong but it definitely sounds like assault to me. nobody should have to go to sleep and expect to wake up with someone simulating sex with them. i don't really understand how he could have thought you were awake, and even if he did, surely someone wouldn't just assume that it was okay to do something like that without some pretty clear signals from you (like as in "do you want to do this" - "yes". which you almost certainly wouldn't have done). i'm not explaining this very well, in short, it sounds like assault to me. xxx
you don't have to push yourself too hard. i know you want to be able to move on from it and learn how to talk and deal with it, but it's hard to do that if you put yourself under so much pressure that you end up feeling upset and frightened all the time. maybe you could start by talking about your anxieties and confusions around it with your counsellor, and hopefully feel reassured by her, and tell her what you need. i know for me, it'd be important to feel believed and taken seriously, though you might have different needs and fears. then maybe you could write down what you remember, and maybe take that to your counsellor, or draw a picture. then you can talk about the writing/picture. i drew a picture for my psychologist about some things i couldn't talk about, and it was strange and scary to hear her talk graphically and honestly about the things i'd drawn... but it took away the taboo of it, and i'll get used to it, and one day i'll be able to use the words myself. xxx
now im very confussed, my friend the one who was there that night, the only other person who really know what happened. i knew she was trying to stay friends with him, but she has just told me they meet up the other night and she kissed him. im not sure what to do, im hurt and confussed. how can she likehim after what happened, she has seen how much of a mess i am, what??!!!???
i really just don't know what to say, what, what, what!!!
I'm sorry your friend has acted like this - it must feel like such a betrayal...
the 'it was a misunderstanding' excuse is used by a lot of bullies and abusers, and unfortunately they use it because people let them get away with their behaviour.
I'm glad you're smart enough to see through this, even though it's hard, and that you're getting some help. Like Whirlpools said, no-one expects to go to sleep and be woken up with someone simulating sex, and perhaps writing it for your counsellor would be a starting point and easier than saying it.
I hope that you make other friends who will support you and care for you - I'm sure you will...
I am so sorry this has happened to you. Something similar happened to me in high school. Consent is verbal, it is not implied. It cannot be given when you are asleep, when you are drunk or when you are high. It cannot be given when you are under the influence of any drug or medication, even if you are taken something as prescribed. Anything sexual, against your consent, is assault. Depending on where you live depends on what they call it legally, but where I live, it is punishable by law. I think it is a misdemeanor, with the harshest punishment being parole (I think, I haven't looked it up in a long time).
I would say to find a better counselor. You do not have to say what happened specifically in order for someone to help you. All I could say for the longest time was that something happened sexually and I didn't like it. They should be able to help you with how you feel. They can go simply with your emotions. You are feeling ____ (ex guilty) and they can help you process that emotion and help you feel less of that emotion (less guilty, hopefully, at some point, not feeling guilty at all).
Like the others have said, don't compare yourself. If it was horrible to you, it was horrible. Everything is comparable to you and you only. If something is the worst thing that has ever happened to you, then that is how you feel. It doesn't matter if it isn't the same for another person. Your emotions are your emotions and whatever you feel is the correct emotion for that moment. You may want to change how you feel, but you should never feel like you shouldn't feel how you feel. You don't have to deserve an emotion.
Your friend liking him; I had a friend in a similar position. She didn't romantically like him but she considered him like her brother and couldn't ever break that tie. She couldn't see how much pain he had put me through and I don't think she ever believed that he could do such a thing.
It will take time to "get over" this. You will want it to go away, but it will take a long time. It will take work and I don't think it ever happens soon enough.
PM me if you want. I understand your situation all too well.
im back at my family home now, being 'normal' for my family is killing me, it just seems strange to me that they are all so happy and fell so safe.
i saw a few old friends i have know forever today, one of them noticed i wasn't myself and made me go with him to have a 'talk'. it was so hard i keep telling him i was fine, but the moment he gave me a hug i broke down, after that he spent 2 hours trying to find out what happend. i couldn't actualy get the words out, when i tryed my mouth could make any noise, in the end i wrote it down and gave it to him. now i just feel so flat. i can't belive i told sombody even if it was by writing it down. i though it would help to tell sombody but i feel the same as i did befor.
sorry this its really a proper post, im just rambeling on about life i just wanted to talk really, odd isn't it im hating having to be social with my family but at the same time feel so lonly.
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