I just think that everyone would do so much better WITHOUT SHIT ME. I
HATE ME I HATE ARWEN I HATE ARWEN DIE DIE DIENDDIEIEIEEIDEIDIEDIEIDIDI
Oh god please help
I'm sorry. I dont know what to do Im really scared Ill ruin Christmas, I just want to be safe but I cant go to A&E because they'll put me in hospital.
i wish i was brave enough to wtite a note explaining if i do something stupid.........but what if I chicken out before actually getting rid of me??
im so selfish for wanting to die. but i dont understand anything I dont FUCKING UNDERSTAND ANYTHING
i dont understand how to enjoy anything
I have been drinking but I am sober now. i was drinking with my dad which reminded me how i feel about my family, and the statue watched everything i did and its still watching me and Im so scared.
i have to go to the bank to pay my rent in because i had to burrow the rent because im too lazy to get a job, I pissed my partner off when he came to my family lunch and i don't want to 'talk about it tomorrow' as he said.
i dont want him to tell me off, i dont want him (or anyone) to hate me. i dont want to hate my family on christmas, I dont want to hate them.
I just dont want such a good life wasted on someone who hates it so much.
Well done for explaining things so clearly. Your feelings about your family sound intense and upsetting. Would it help do you think to talk about that some here?
You say that the statue watched everything. What does it think, what is it's perspective? Whose side is it on?
I wouldn't say that you're too lazy to get a job, rather that you're troubled by your own emotional health and that takes up a lot of energy.
Does your partner really hate you? Christmas can be a stressful time, an lots of people get grouchy.
I understand how you don't want to hate your family, especially on Christmas, but having hateful feelings doesn't mean that you don't also love them. Pushing away intense feelings can make them leak out in other ways, like through the statue.
the statue knows that im a horrible person and it wants me to know that i am. my family are lovely, i love my little sister so much it aches, but i cant stand to be around them. i cant stand to actually look at them and think about what we are all actually like, it's disgusting.
I know my partner doesn't hate me, but im always doing everything wrong and i know i am. he makes me so very happy, but although i make him happy too i know that he would be so much better off without me. i just wish there was a way to make him free without doing something that would make him angry or sad.
I just want a nice Christmas but i know that even if i sit there and think that i enjoy it, the statue will be there and inside i will know that i just want an escape.
You don't have to believe the statue. It sounds like it tries to negate any goodness or warmth from your life. That must be causing you a lot of distress.
She died three years ago.
Christmases used to be a special time with my family - We'd all enjoy each others company and relax and have a nice time. But now it's just my dad behaving like a grumpy big kid all the time, and taking things out on me.
I'm only staying with my family for the xmas period, and I wanted so badly to try and make it a happy time especially for my lil sis. But everything's so ...broken. It's all fallen apart, and I can't hold myself together let alone everything else.
I can really understand what you're going through. My Mum died 6 years ago and it's very hard to get through special times without someone that you love. My Dad is also like that and I feel the need to make things 'ok' for my brother. What can help if to try focusing on yourself and the positive things that are going on. Maybe the negatives always take over, but try not to let them. Maybe you could do something special for your Mum to help you to feel a little closer to her. Remember that it is these feelings that are making you so desperate, if you weren't so low then you wouldn't be contemplating death. You can get through this. Please stay safe and take care. Get in touch any time. xxx
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Zowie I'm not trying to be offensive, please don't take it that I want to hurt you, but you really need to look at what it is that makes you feel this way and stop whinning about it to gain attention. I really hope you don't hurt yourself but, you are EXACTLY LIKE ME. I hate family gatherings I hate them so much it makes me hurt. I drink a lot to deal with it to try and make it go away. But in all facts i make it worse. You think everyone would be better off, your being selfish. your parents love you. My uncle bullies me at family things and my mother does nothing to stop him and with my dad out of the picture there was no one who could help me for years. You have to stand up for yourself!!! Tell him hes an ass. Don't hide from him and feel sorry for yourself, but stand up to him. If he wants to be horrible to you, tell him you don't care anymore and stop talking to him. You don't deserve to be treated this way, he doesn't deserve your love. He has created a low self esteem point within you, that is why you feel the way you do about your lover, you need to stand up and be counted, I'm sure you are strong enough to do that, everyone is, they just have to try and stop acting like a child. Behave like the adult you are and don't take it from them. If you don't want to do that, which means that its not a case of you can't you just don't want to then you need to grow up. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!
As for the statue ignore it. Its you being watched and judged by your own inner being, not everyone judges everyone else. Some people actually care about others. THEY REALLY DO. And it doesn't make you a horrible person to judge someone its a natural reaction to a given situation. I don't know you but you definetly need to stop thinking that everyone is judging you. I don't judge you, I don't have a negative or positive out look about you. You are just you and everyone deserves to be understood for who and what they are.
I know how you feel, brother. My life's not exactly... good.
I find the ultimate and best way to relieve stress and boost your self-esteem is to practise something you know you are good at, or learn some form of talent. I've saved myself by getting lost in my guitar or practising martial arts. It's never too late to pick up a hobby and hone it into a great talent. Give yourself something to occupy your overactive mind like I do, it can really help a lot.
