Thanks all. I've decided even if an admission comes up today closer to home I'm not going to take it until I've spoken to my CPN who is coming round tomorrow. I just haven't got my head on straight enough to make a big decision like accepting admission on my own at the moment, and my CPN has known me a long time so I trust her judgement.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
The awkward moment when you have genuinely slipped and you think your foot may be broken but cant do anything about it because every injury they think is self harm...
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
I don't have any words right now. I'm so sorry. I'm leaving my love here though. Please let me/us know how you get on with talking to CPN. If you decide to go through with admission then you know I'll visit whenever I can. I'm scared and I don't want to lose you. Love ooo..X
The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..
I'm sorry I don't have anything to add, but wanted to drop by and leave you some love <3
I hope your appointment with your CPN is helpful x
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
Okay I finally feel able to say it. There's a support worker who has been Constantly putting her own problems on me and I've been protecting her because I felt awful snitching on someone having such a hard time, I haven't even risked discussing it on RYL. But now I am. It's the end. She's told me tonight that I'm 'a worthless piece of shit' a 'selfish cow' and re suicide 'get on with it and do everyone a favour'. She's on the phone now to someone and I don't know what lies she's going to be trying to spread (the head staff somewhat know what she's like so when they wake up I think they'll be on my side no matter what she says but still-scary) I have protected her over and over. For this? Fuck it.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
...and she has now shouted even more telling me I'm a selfish bitch who deserves to die...well thats really helped. I have listened to her go on and oooooooon about her mum's issues, her family issues, her friend issues even though its not my job and EVERY time I try and talk about something bothering me she turns around and goes 'well my mum has cancer so shut up'.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
Wow, that is awful. I am honestly shocked that you're having to deal with this. Regardless of whatever issues she has going on, there is absolutely no excuse for her behaviour. She's in a responsible job and she just shouldn't be if she isn't able to handle it professionally. Please please tell the senior staff about what's been going on. I know it's scary but it's really important that you do. You absolutely do not deserve to be dealing with this and I'm so sorry that you are. NONE of the things she's said are true or are any reflection on you. You need and deserve support workers who are actually going to support you.
Are you okay / safe tonight? Is she still with you?
Sending lots of love your way xx
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
She's on until 8 am. I never ever want her back. I've been taking this shit for a long time and now I have finally had enough. She even tried to frighten me with 'if you tell anyone what I said I'll make sure the police 136 you and you end up under a section 3 and never get out' because she knows thats my biggest fear. But screw it. My CPN is coming tomorrow and I trust her...re the support worker people have asked in the past whether I want to make a complaint and I've always felt so sorry for her I've said no, but I feel like making it now. I know she's angry but when I was nursing no matter how frustrating a patient was I never told them they were better off dead, useless etc etc
Adding: When senior staff are awake I will tell them straight. I've been protecting her for far too long.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
Are you going to be okay until then? Is getting some sleep a possibility? If not, is there someone you can call tonight? It sounds like a really awful situation.
I hope you manage to talk to your CPN and make a complaint. I can understand feeling sorry for the support worker. I think that you need to put yourself first, because this situation is really not fair on you. But I also think that it would be the fairest thing for her, because she's clearly not coping with her job, and something really needs to change, for her sake as well as for the people she's supposed to be supporting. I know that probably doesn't make it any easier, but I hope you can remember that you have nothing to feel guilty for. None of this is your fault.
If it's easier, maybe write some things down for when you see your CPN?
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
Is she with you all the time? Or is there any way you could text / call someone without her realising? (Sorry, not totally sure on your situation). It is an absolutely horrific situation for you to be stuck in.
I don't think you'd be a prick for telling them. Not in any way. I think it's really really important that you do. The way she's behaving is abusive and completely unacceptable. You do not deserve it.
I can really understand that she's reinforced your suicidal thoughts, when you're already feeling so awful of course being told these (completely unjustified) things is going to make it worse. But I promise you that there's no truth in what she's saying. You are a good person and so many people care about you. You deserve to be alive. And I genuinely believe that things can get better. You've shown so much strength in continuing to keep going in spite of how awful you've been feeling. You can feel better than you do now. And making sure that you have staff who are actually there for you and able to support you might help with that, even if it's just a little bit.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
I promise you, you do not deserve it. No-one deserves to be treated like that.
If thinking about her doing this to someone else is an incentive for you to tell someone what's going on then go with it. But please try not to use it as a stick to beat yourself with. Her behaviour is her responsibility, and it's important to get this sorted out for your sake just as much as anyone else's. xx
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
You do not deserve this and nobody who is in a place should ever have to suffer from care that falls way, way below minimal standards. Shes just totally unsuitable for her job and to be quite honest you are doing her a favor [though she wont realize right now] in reporting her. Shes not able to do this job, its of no use to her to be so neglectful to people in her care.
I think your CPN will understand the distress caused not just by the particular threat she used, but the continued worry of her unprofessionalism. I'm thinking of you, and I really really just don't have words for some of the things she said, this is so wrong.
Of course it hurts, Katy. Hearing someone say the things we think about ourselves always hurt even when we sre capable of thinking much worse. She has a duty of care which makes this vicious attack even more hurtful and more personal. When someone chooses to say something like that, and it is very much a choice, then the best thing you can do is to not let them get away with it. She is not doing her job, in fact she is doing the opposite of her job right now. So go ahead and issue a complaint. You are well within your rights to do that and she should not get away with being so selfish and so horrible to someone whom she is paid to help and support.
If it is any help, i once complained about the staff at my (former) supported housing. Even when it was a horrible experience it made a difference because things changed and some of the staff were asked to find other jobs.
Please make someone aware of this worker. She is a liability in a job like that. And you have done nothing wrong. Nothing!!!! She is the selfish cow and not you.
How are you doing today? How did it go with your CPN? Thinking of you x
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
