So

[Margo]

Thank you again. It's my last day away tomorrow. I hate going back home.self harm free for two weeks. Can't cut here as it just wouldn't be fair.

Been up and down this week. The kids have forced me to be up and about who ive wanted to be alone and away in my head. It's helped a lot.

Meeting friends I haven't seen in ages is always hard. They ask what I'm up to and im not quite sure how to say nothing?

The. It's the usual barrage of 'you should' and 'you need to'. It makes me feel a total failure. Everyone I know is a success. I know they mean well.

I dunno why I'm writing.

Thank you x

[Eir]

I hate the you should, have you, just try. Especially if they involve religion. more so when it's from someone who says they have been mentally ill. One of my colleagues at work is doing that to me, and I hate it. I am not her. She doesn't have my experiences, nor I hers. I tried to find God to help and it didn't seem interested.
Not that I deem her experience invalid, it just doesn't work for me. Stop telling me it will.
Kids are a lovely distraction tho, but they only work as a distraction for me. Like alcohol, the problems are still the afterwards. I'm glad they have helped you tho.
Doesn't matter why you are writing, I tend to figure that even if I don't know the purpose it helps to share in a safe place
Good luck with going home. Take care

[Margo]

Last few days and I've felt fine. Too fine, scary fine and it's unsettled me. It makes the "you've made it all up" fairy shout louder and louder. I burned myself just because I felt too normal. I know that's stupid. I snapped at my gf too and I shouldn't have. She's having her own hell and it was selfish of me.

I can't bring myself to even look at my bike let alone go and ride it. I walked into the garage and turned my head so I couldn't see it. Wtf am I doing?

Today I'm just sitting in the dark. Have an ear infection. Feel crap.

silly me

[Eir]

That bloody fairy make the rounds doesn't it.
*hugs*
You get so used to feeling like crap, that when you have a good period, you just have to poke at it till it gives.
Same with snapping at people close to us. They're there and it seems safe to snap at them, push the boundaries of the relationship, see if we can prove it's another thing we can **** up, because we feel we don't deserve them.
I'm sorry I have no advice, only can offer some comfort.
I hope things come good soon.
Thinking of you

[Margo]

thamk you for replying and listening. So up and down.
All over the place.

[Eir]

Always ready to 'listen'. *hugs*

[Margo]

I'm failing everything.

[effervescence]

What do you feel you're failing? Specific things or life in general?

[Margo]

Pretty much everything. I'm failing life. Every aspect. I don't want life

[Eir]

You aren't failing. Struggling, yes, but not failing.
*Hugs*
You have strength, you've made it this far. Lean on your supports. Cut yourself some slack.(hypocritical I know)
I'm thinking of you, hope thing start to improve soon.

[Margo]

Managed to cut today. What a relief. Of cours it no where near how I need it to be but it's a start.

Valium and alcohol. Running low. More soon I hope. Will work deeper and deeper.

If I get what I want I'll sleep fo days

[raining_inmyhead]

Hugs tight x

[Eir]

*hugs* is there any support people you can approach? I think you need safe place to breakdown.
Take care, Matthew
Annie

[Margo]

I'm fine. Honestly I'm fine. Over dramatic. That's all. Dragged myself out today. Was ok. Back home now. I'm not breaking down. I'm on a mission to self destruct. I think there's a distinct difference.

Wrote to my friend last night declining the offer to see him in Aus. I know most people would jump at the chance of a free flight and accommodation. I can't support myself while I'm there though and I'm sick of living off friends charity. I have little left in my life but maybe a gram of pride left?


My cuts are ****. But at least they've stayed open. I like the scars. There are places that ****ing kill to cut but there's little blood and there's others that hardly hurt but bleed like ****.

I hate blood. Ironic huh. Self harmer who faints when he bleeds.



Psych assessment a week today.

Yeah I'm fine. No there's nothing you can do. Yup I should go out and cycle and find work and socialise and eat healthy and read and tak to people and join in lots of activities and take my mess and be a good boy and it will all be ok.

Well I did all that and more and look at me now. A living embodiment of a ****.

[Eir]

Your not a ****. You are allowed to want to self destruct. Especially with how long you've fought with this. I'm hoping somewhere along the line you find the thing that shows the struggle was worth it. And that you survive.
*hugs*
Thinking of you

[Margo]

Gf says I don't realise I'm poorly.

I'm really scared. Terrified about Monday.

[Eir]

*hugs*
Is there a specific reason the psych assessment is scaring you?

[Margo]

I don't want to tell the, about the ods. Everyone is telling me I should. Gf even mentioned inpatient would ne good for me.

I'm not sick. I know exactly what I'm doing. I don't feel ill and they will see that. I'm scared they will turn ,e away and laugh or something. But I not going impatiently. No ****ing way

[random.swirls]

Oh Matt I hadn't associated your name with you

Leaves love

X

[Margo]

Thanks Cam. Yup it's the boob loving penguin. X