It's been a while

Albus Dumbledore · 16-10-2016, 06:50 PM

Hi,
I used to visit and post in these forums quite a bit, but haven't recently.

The last few days I've been feeling pretty suicidal. I haven't taken some of my meds (the ones for a physical health problem) for over a week now. I can't make myself take them. My physical health condition means that at some point (probably in 15-20 years) my kidneys will fail. Usually this knowledge makes me less likely to follow through on my suicidal urges. I know that not taking my meds will make my kidneys fail faster and I want nothing more than do die from something other than suicide (I don't want my family/friend to have to deal with my suicide), and that's why I can't make myself take my meds.

I had a panic attack at work yesterday, which caused some issues with the shift plan. Everyone who knew was really supportive and said that it was okay, and told me not to beat myself up about it, but I can't forgive myself. Since then I've been having a lot of intrusive thoughts about self harming/overdosing.

Tonight it got so bad that I self harmed quite badly (can't remember if I'm allowed to post what I did or not). I know it definitely needs medical attention and will probably go and get it looked at in the next couple of days, providing my agoraphobia lets me.

I think I just need some support to get it checked out and not make it worse like I feel I have to.

Sorry if I'm wasting people's time.

Ella

Edit: I forgot to add that I am under a psychiatrist who I am seeing tomorrow, and did have a care coordinator, but she just retired and I'm waiting for the new one to get in contact with me.

Sooty · 17-10-2016, 10:46 AM

Hi Ella,

I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a difficult time at the moment with suicidal and self destructive thoughts. I completely empathise with your desire to die through any means but suicide to protect those who love you from dealing with the consequences. I do think however that you NEED to talk to your psychiatrist today about you stopping your medication for your kidneys and about your injury. I think you may need a little more support at the moment and a car coordinator needs to be brought in sooner rather than later. Has anything triggered these thoughts and feelings recently?

Sophie.x

Albus Dumbledore · 17-10-2016, 11:39 AM

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I managed to go to the minor injuries unit this morning to get it checked out and have an appointment to get the dressing changed in a few days.

I will definitely talk to my psychiatrist about everything. I'm starting to get really nervous now as the appointment is in a couple of hours and it's with a new psychiatrist in a new building which is causing me a lot of anxiety.

I'd been feeling fairly low for a few weeks, and then on Friday, I started looking into going to college to get the qualifications I need to go to uni to become a learning disability nurse. Then I started getting very anxious about it, and then started being quite nasty to myself and feeling like I'm completely worthless, which started everything. The panic attack made all of those feelings worse.

Ella

Albus Dumbledore · 17-10-2016, 03:11 PM

The psychiatrist was completely unhelpful. Dismissed my anxiety and blamed it on my care coordinator leaving. Told me that all I need to do is "manage" my emotions, and that medication shouldn't be used for BPD. Never mind the fact that I also have depression, GAD and panic disorder with agoraphobia. Nevermind the fact that I have got my BPD pretty well under control and it is now the least severe of my issues. Nearly had a panic attack waiting for her. I was her first patient and she was still 20 mins late.

I don't want to manage them. I just want to feelbetter.

I am so sick of mental health professionals only focusing on my BPD. They don't give a crap that I am having more and more anxiety around going outside. At this rate I will be completely housebound in a couple of years. They don't care that my depression is bad enough that I can barely look after myself. I force myself to get through work and then literally can't do anything else for the week.

If this is how life is going to be then I might as well use my unhealthy coping methods - at least they work better than other things. The only reason I wanted to stop self harming, and not kill myself was for other people.

Sorry for ranting, I'm just really upset and angry and feeling completely hopeless that things will ever change for me.

Unbreakable. · 19-10-2016, 02:01 AM

That sounds really frustrating. Not being heard when we try to open up and reach out is rather upsetting.

Is there anyone you can contact to make a complaint? If your treatment isn't right for you it is your right to get a chance to attempt something else. They have no right to be dismissive of your other mental health struggles.

Did you tell them you stopped taking your meds?

Albus Dumbledore · 20-10-2016, 10:01 AM

I think I'm going to try and see her 1 more time before I do anything. I might have just been overreacting to what she said because I was so anxious in the appointment. If she's still dismissive and unhelpful next time I will ask if I can have a different psychiatrist. I'm waiting to do another years DBT, but the waiting list is about a year long. I would really like to focus on the agoraphobia, but they just keep pushing DBT.

I did tell them about not taking the meds, but they just gave me a lecture on how I really need to take them and said because they're mostly for a physical condition, I need to speak to my renal consultant about it.

I had another panic attack at work this morning after only an hour of being there and then had to go home. This time it lasted half an hour. And now I'm really angry at myself again, and really embarrassed. I just hope I'm better for my shifts next weekend.

Thanks for replying to me.

Edit: Just received the letter from my psych appointment. There are errors. She said I cut myself, but I didn't. And again, she said that the main cause of my anxiety was my care coordinator leaving.

Pi.R^2 · 22-10-2016, 01:33 PM

That all sounds incredibly infuriating. Do you feel like you'll be able to raise your concerns at the next appointment and reiterate that you don't feel like BPD is your main problem at the moment?

What about looking into support from mental health charities in your area? Perhaps they'd be able to offer some sort of therapy focussed on what you see as the biggest issues at the moment.

If your new care coordinator still hasn't got in contact with you, maybe you could chase that up, as hopefully they'll be able to offer some support and suggestions for managing things.