Bother I forgot contacting medical people was a thing I meant to do today after my weird sleep pattern. Shall try and remember tomorrow. Although part of me is glad I didn't try today but as that's the part that doesn't want me to try at all I shall try my best to ignore it.
I did need the rest but I get frustrated at myself especially when I can't sleep at night and sleep most of day.
And the staying up to 2am part was my fault but the not sleeping until 7 was more of an FND thing and result of the morning. And I did enjoy staying up and watching my show and I likely wouldn't have slept even if I had gone to bed at a sensible time I guess. So easy to go into autopilot it's my fault I messed up sort of thoughts.
Sometimes reminders on my phone help but sometimes being told to do it by my phone makes me more anxious and I just continue to put it off. So there is a way to remember but it might not be conducive to actually doing the thing.
In positive looking after myself news when I got a migraine on Saturday I took pain medication straight away as soon as I noticed it start and though pain was bad it was manageble as long as I lay in a dark room. And because I looked after myself straight away it meant I didn't have to spend ages agonising with the thoughts about if I deserve to be in pain and not being able to think clearly because of the pain and all that. Was kind of proud for making the right call.
Last edited by long road : 16-01-2023 at 09:25 PM.
Reason: Reread post and realised I forgot first bit
I hope you feel up to making the calls soon, but I understand that putting pressure on can make it even harder! I hope you are being kind to yourself.
And I am so so glad you were able to take the medicine you needed and avoided that awful sounding pain spiral. You deserve to be proud of yourself for that.
'It's an impossible choice ... I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.'
"You're not scared of climbing mountains. You're scared that you can't make them move."
Haven't made the calls yet maybe this afternoon trying to be kind to myself and not stress to much.
But I did manage to have a shower. I've been wanting a shower but not having the energy for quite a few days so it feels great having finally got there and it nice to be clean.
Thanks for affirming I deserve to be proud about taking medicine I needed.
I don't want to reason with myself. I don't want to work so damn hard for slow non linear progress. I don't want to learn to live within my new limits and maybe if i am lucky get to slowly expand them.
I don't want to do this anymore. Because the good there is isn't enough to cancel out the bad . And the emotions are so big. Why did I keep fighting to end up here.
It's 16 years since the first intrusive thoughts/ voice told me to jump, 13 years since I was first diagnosed with depression, nearly 2 years since FND.
7.5 years since I was discharged by CMHT and fel throught the gaps because I put work first for 6 months.
Still don't have CMHT support, only got therapy because FND came along and I am lucky to live in same city as a specialist.
I don't want to keep fighting. I want to be ok or I dont want to be. But then I look at the people I care about and I don't want to hurt them either. Suicide just passes on the pain.
But I don't know what to do. How to keep on going.i am tired. So damn tired.
no good words at the moment. but we read, we care, and you definitely deserve support and relief. we hope you are able to make the calls when you feel able to, and in the mean time hope you are being kind to yourself and taking care of yourself as best you can.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Feeling very down and apathetic today and like giving up.
But it's more because of depression than FND although I am partly depressed about FND I should probably reach out to a helpline or something but I don't feel like I can handle a proper 1-2-1 conversation (voice or text) and I am not feeling very receptive to suggestions. Not the same as notdoing other calls about pain management that's more anxiety this is apathy
Has the apathy shifted at all since posting? Doesn't sound fun to deal with so really hope it has.
Dunno about the helplines there, but there are places you can go to that won't offer suggestions and are more just for listening. Thinking seven cups of tea style if that even still exists? There's also always RV on here too!
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Apathy has mostly shifted, had a breakthrough yesterday when I did some reflection on the last month and how my FND symptoms have been and realised although it was a lot worse than October/November/December it wasn't as bad as this time last year and that helped me feel a bit more positive things haven't slipped as far as I felt/feared. Also made me think about what I could maybe do to help myself a bit more like regular resting during day (eyes closed listening to something or meditating or a nap) even when I am stuck in bed not doing much. Time will tell how well I manage to stick to it.
I cried on and off for 5 hours on Wednesday and got pretty suicidal and then at the end went into shutdown and dissociated. I did RV a fair bit which helped let it out some. I didn't want any questions either like Samaritans here don't give advice but they do active listening and ask questions to draw out your thoughts /feelings/make you feel heard. But I did get through.
Did have a minor self harm slip up though, did something on impulse last night for first time in a long time. All taken care of though.
I am also aware that a trauma anniversary is coming up for me at begining of February so trying to be compassionate to myself if I do mess up.
Glad you are taking care of yourself and trying to be kind. It can be really difficult. It's also good that you know there is an anniversary coming up so you can plan around it. Sorry we do not have good words at the moment but it sounds like you are trying really hard and that is worth being proud of yourself for.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Thanks I am trying really hard and trying to be proud of that and be kind to myself.
Feeling a bit rubbish about fact I slipped up with self harm, even though it was super minor it's not something I end up giving into very often, if at all these days.
Hope you are doing ok, if you need any support let me know :) You might not have have had what you considered good words but they helped me.
So the universe sort of worked in my favour. I missed a call and got a voicemail asking me to call back to arrange for a neuro physio to come see me. I called back and unfortunately had missed the person organising the appointment but left a message with their colleague and they will call me again tomorrow.
So hopefully I can get a physio appointment soon and therefore some more pain management options / fix source of the pain somewhat.
And because they reached out to me it was a lot easier
Two neurophysios coming to my flat next Wednesday. Now I am getting nervous that I am not bad enough for physio help, I told them on the phone I had deconditioned and I have for me but I am not super weak. Hoping they can help with the muscle spasm stuff though so will ask about that. Anxious but glad things are happening
That sounds like good news! If you've lost condition and are having muscle spasms, then it sounds like you are in need. Hopefully they will be nice and helpful and not judgey!
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Anxiety happens so much more than it used to these days. I have a lot less self confidence. My partner has says they will help me explain if I need them too. Part of anxiety is about not being bad enough / wasting their time. Other part is because FND can be misunderstood by some medics, they should be ok though as they are specialists in neurological conditions and their team works with neuropsychology.
Iam also anxious about final therapy review in the morning. Not slept yet because I am unsettled, appointment is in 9 hours time. Been writing to try and get thoughts out of brain so can sleep just don't want to miss anything / want to make most of opportunity.
Thanks OSC.
I had final therapy review this morning and have therefore found out what happens. Essentially review was to see how I am coping post therapy and discuss next steps. By having two reviews at 5 weeks and 10 weeks post therapy it helped me have a more gradual end to therapy and have space to discuss what works when I don't have regular therapy input / see if I coped or not.
For now I am discharged from Neuropsychology department but if I get more functional symptoms/ psychological issues I can ask to be referred back by my GP for a review.
We also discussed what to do about EMDR and have decided to wait until I have completed my neuro rehab work with neurophysio and Occupational therapy before starting. Just so I am only focusing on one bit of work at a time. Then when I have finished neuro rehab either they refer me back through multidisciplinary team pathway or I can wait until I feel ready to ask for a review regarding EDMR. At which point it's likely a 3 to 4 month wait before starting EDMR with neuropsychology as they can handle if FND flares during EDMR.
Pretty happy with outcome, although would have been nice to have a bit more time to work on the fact things have been worse mentally this last month.
Also got some encouragement to try setting up routine appointment with GP re: pain management aspect and plan to talk to physio about it too.
