Loss of support system

[Juella]

He would give me time even if I don't deserve it. He is a good person.
I think I will call him. Maybe he can tell me what to do.

[one_step_closer]

I hope you do manage to call him, you deserve his time even if you don't feel like you do.

[Pi.R^2]

I also hope that you manage to call him.

It sounds like you might need some medical attention for your self harm; have you managed to get it seen to?

[Juella]

Sorry for not replying right away.
I went to a doctor and had my self-harm treated. I also stayed in a hospital overnight, but for a reason I still can't quite comprehend wasn't sectioned, although I expected to be. Apparently, I had a psychotic episode, and I now I am taking antipsychotics, which do have a noticeable effect.

[one_step_closer]

I'm glad you managed to get some treatment. How are you feeling now?

[Juella]

Thank you for asking. I am very weak physically, because of anemia and all that. And oddly numb mentally. The voice that was telling me that I must go to hell doesn't seem real anymore, but the whole drama with the hospital and even things that happened before don't really feel real either, like I saw them in a movie and they didn't really happen to me. I am a bit disoriented and very sleepy, but my psych told me it will pass once I get used to the new meds.

[one_step_closer]

You went through an awful lot all at once, and I can relate to things seeming unreal and like they didn't happen. I think it sounds traumatic and that can take its toll. I hope you get used to the meds soon and they continue to be helpful for you, you deserve to have the right treatment. Will you be seeing your psych again any time soon?

[Juella]

Thank you. I am now scheduled to see my psych weekly, so I'll see him soon.

[one_step_closer]

I'm glad you're having increased contact with him at the moment and I hope it's helpful for you.

[Juella]

I'm sorry...I just really, really want to be dead right now.
I'm so tired. Nothing is getting better, nothing at all. I can't do it anymore. I don't understand why I continue to go through the motions every day. I hate being outside. I hate shops. I hate public transportation. I absolutely despise my job to the point where I don't really know how to keep pushing through it. I hate groups. I hate all of the activities that are suppposed to make me feel better. I just want everything to stop. I cry every day and I want to scream at the whole world to just leave me alone. I am in so much emotional pain, I wish it was all over.
I have no idea how to keep myself from doing something stupid. The supposedly better options just hurt and they don't help or resolve anything in the long run.
Every option I have is just different kind of painful. I wish I knew how to stop it. Life is torture.

[one_step_closer]

I'm sorry you're going through so much agony. Everything sounds completely overwhelming and unbearable. I don't have any answers but wish I did. I just wanted to leave you some support and good wishes. What is your real life support like at the moment?

[Juella]

Thank you for your support and good wishes. They are appreciated.


In real life, I am not offered any professional support other than "being monitored" by services, medications, and an offer of hospitalisation that I can't accept unless I am willing to lose my job and face potential homelesness. I am not offered any state-funded therapy due to my "non-engaging behaviour" in the past, and I have neither time nor money for private therapy or counselling. As for none professional support, I don't really have much, if any at all. I do keep in touch with my friend abroad, but only in a form of brief and rare messenger conversations that are mainly small-talk. I spend most of my time either at work when the environment is borderline hostile lately, or at home where the only person I see is my roommate and he isn't the kind of person to go to for support. I don't really keep in touch with anyone other than my roommate and coworkers.

[one_step_closer]

How are you getting on with the med you started on before? Do you think you could phone your psychiatrist and see if there is some kind of support in between being monitored and being in hospital? I'm sorry you're so isolated, I hope you can at least have a bit of contact here.

[Juella]

I'm currently on clozapine and what I believe is a fairly high dosage of diazepam. While my anxiety became much better and I haven't had any notable psychotic symptoms since starting these meds, I am experiencing some considerable cognitive issues as a side effect, namely I am nearly constantly feeling sleepy, confused and have significant memory issues, confusing days of the week, forgetting appointments, losing important things (I had to have my credit card replaced twice in the one month) etc. I talked to my psychiatrist about it, but he told me we most likely don't have an alternative that will help, as the other drugs or lower dosages don't have a desired effect. I feel kind of helpless in everyday life with this constant confusion and super forgetful behaviour. I keep thinking about not taking meds, but I do realize it will probably trigger a psychotic breakdown, which is even worse.


I did ask my psychiatrist about my options with receiving support without going to the hospital, and he suggested looking into private therapy.


Thank you for your support, I indeed do feel much less isolated knowing I can communicate with people here.

[one_step_closer]

That sounds like a really hard place to be in, with the side effects of the meds vs being unwell if you weren't taking them. Will the side effects lessen with time at all? Maybe you could find ways to manage them if not. Is private therapy something that is an option for you?

[Juella]

It is possible that the side effects will lessen with time and I'm definitely keeping my hope that they will. My psychiatrist also gave me a booklet for patients recovering from a stroke during our meeting today and suggested I look into the part with tips for managing memory issues and confusion, and I found it fairly useful. I am currently looking into memory cues and trying to develop a new strategy of dealing with this brain fog.



Thank you so much for your support. It was a huge relief to share my trouble with someone, and it helped me proceed from dwelling on it and feeling hopeless to seeking solutions. For someone like me, your help is invaluable. Thank you so much.



The private therapy is...kind of an option. It would be very difficult both in terms of my schedule that became absolutely unflexible now that I don't have anyone to cover for me, and considering the financial side, but it isn't entirely impossible. I might try it one day.

[one_step_closer]

I'm glad you're looking for ways to manage things and I hope you can find some useful strategies. You're dealing with a lot and it's great that you're actively looking to manage things better rather than just putting up with things and feeling miserable and helpless.

How often do you see your psychiatrist? Do you think his support will be enough for now if it's not the right time for you to access private therapy?

Please keep posting here if it helps, I'm happy to support you in any way I can but I apologise if I'm not much use at times.

[Juella]

I guess my weekly meetings with my psychiatrist would be enough for now. I'm trying my best to be as self-reliant as possible.


Please, don't put yourself down, you're an incredibly helpful and supportive person, thank you again for being there.

[one_step_closer]

It sounds like you're trying really hard. Do you have an idea of what you need from your appointments with your psychiatrist? Maybe there is a better way for you to use them if you think you need something more from them.