A failure through and through
Hello, I am looking for advice even though I fear the only thing anyone will be able to come up with is for me to talk to a professional therapist. Part of my problem is that I don't feel ready for that, so if anyone has something else to tell me, I would appreciate that. Even just the feeling that someone's willing to listen would probably raise my spirits.
I am a 33 year old single male and for some dubious reasons I haven't been feeling great lately. I have suffered from insecurity and social awkwardness for most of my life and even though I have never been diagnosed I think that there's a great possibility that I am neurodivergent. Either that or I am simply a moron. For example I've always had trouble recognising sarcasm which has made me an excellent target for bullying and teasing. Even if not outright malicious, it's always been clear that people don't take me seriously. And I have never been able to stand up for myself. Whatever I do, whoever I speak to, no one ever respects me. It's difficult to respect yourself when no one else shows you any respect.
In addition to my obvious insecurity I am not the tallest guy, I'm skinny and I have a weird way of expressing myself. My English is good enough yet I have never aquired the ability to sound like a native speaker. Although this is something I might be able to improve by taking grammar classes or similar.
Women are not interested in me either. By now I've given up on the idea that I'll ever find someone I can build a future with.
My family has never taken me seriously.
No one has ever taken me seriously.
I am awkward and rigid and obsessive in all aspects of life. My brain has never been my friend and lately my body has been failing me too. When I finally consulted a doctor I was told that my problems most likely stem from malnutrition. I am 33 years old and not even capable of properly feeding myself.
Lately I have been feeling nothing but useless, worthless and incapable in all aspects of life.
I have never liked myself but lately... to put it simple, I hate myself.