Join Date: Dec 2008
I am currently:  
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I'm not good at anything, but I work hard (LONG)
I'm gonna vent about something that has been upsetting me for years, but is coming to a peak now. I never really got to talk about it before.
I am not naturally good at anything.
I'm not good at people.
I'm not good at math.
I'm not good at reading.
I'm not good at writing.
I'm not good at art.
I'm not good at music.
I'm not good a sports.
I had to be taken out of school after being held back two years in first grade because I couldn't read, and I started school a year older than all the other kids because of my birthday. My mom then home schooled me until I was 13, I was just starting to be able to read simple stuff, books like Brown Bear Brown Bear or Emilia Bedelia. I loved it when my mom would read Amelia Bedelia to me because I strongly related to her. I take everything extremely literally and got confused by simple conversations. They took my IQ at the time and they said it was 80.
They took my IQ because I was being placed back in public school now that I could read... kinda. And write... kinda. They said it was 80. I still couldn't sound out words, and I honestly still can't. I was struggling with long division, and I was 13. I was put in sixth grade public school and was placed in a class with students with severe autism and downs syndrome. I was still very naive, like a small child, I came home the first day of class and told my mom, "I like the kids in my class, but they're very different."
"Different in what way?"
"I don't know."
I realized I was very separated in that class from all the other students in the school, and I found the class very boring. My mom used to read to me my older brother's AP text books when I was homeschooled, and I understood every word of it. I just couldn't read or write it. I knew geography, presidents, and science that many adults don't know. But I couldn't read or spell any of it.
So I told my special ed teacher that, "I know all this stuff, it's very boring." I described something I would like to read to my teacher, and she picked out 3 books from the library. She gave me a copy of DragonFlight by Anne McCaffery.
"You talk like she writes, I think you'll like it," she said.
I made my mom sit with me and read the whole book, it's still one of my favorite books. I started working even harder than I had before, I told myself I would read one novel a month, even if I have to sit with a dictionary for every word. And I did. After two months I got taken out of that class and put into the next tier, where I saw more kids. Kids with dyslexia, kids with severe aspergers, not quite on level yet, but the science was at least at a 5th grade level. Which I still found boring, but I still had trouble reading it. For the next year I spent every free second of the day with a book way beyond my level in hand. I still knew I wasn't with the majority of students, and I wanted to get there. I started drawing.
They let me skip to 8th grade, to on level remedial classes. I was bullied severely. For the I talked, the way I dressed, my anxiety attacks from talking to people and poor understanding of people or basic conversation structure. I accepted I wouldn't have any friends, but I realized I could at least limit the bullying if I got a make over. So they wouldn't take my art and rip it to shreds or spit on me anymore. I told my mom, "i want jeans" I had been wearing clothes a mother would normally dress their toddler in. I went to Forever 21 and got shirts, I got jeans, I got accessories. I was going to look like a normal 15 year old even if I couldn't act it. I got a haircut, I told the hairdresser, "do what you think would look good." I got make up, and learned how to put on that lip gloss.
The next day at school the bullies didn't even recognize me, infact they hit on me. Which brought even more anxiety. I had severe insomnia and couldn't sleep most nights. So I would stay up until my alarm went off reading, I dedicated 12 hours of each day to drawing, because it made me happy. And this was at a time when I was hallucinating so strongly my psychiatrist thought I was not bipolar, but schizophrenic. I tried to kill myself, and failed.
One night I heard my mom on the phone when she thought I was asleep, she was making plans to send me to a place for intellectually and emotionally disabled children, and talking about assisted living places I could go to after. That scared me. Apparently the middle school had been encouraging it because, "She will not graduate middle school, it's impossible."
I got into high school, and was placed in remedial on level courses. I was so sick from hallucinating I missed half the days of school that year. I was on Geodon at the time, the next year, within the first weeks, I told my teacher I wanted to kill myself, that I had tried before, and that I don't care anymore. I was so out of it from the drugs, the lack of sleep, and the hallucinating I cracked and started sobbing in the middle of class.
I was home schooled that year while we got my meds adjusted. After six months of being home I slept for the first time for a full 8 hours in 4 years. I did a lot better academically that year, my mother ordered text books from Laurel Springs. At the end of the year I learned they had accidentally sent me the AP text books for all my classes. But I got Bs, even though I had to spend 5-10 hours a day trying to understand even on chapter, I apparently did.
When I went back junior year I was placed in all on level classes, I was so proud of myself for finally being normal. I realized however, that most people in the normal classes didn't work very hard. They did the bare minimum really, and I was devastated. It was a real blow to my self esteem, I had worked so hard just to pass and they were just apathetic.
So I decided I would get into an AP or honors course. I fought my academic counsilr for months, "You wouldn't be able to handle it." She said. She brought my mother in to explain this and called me flat out "stupid". Infront of me, and my mother. I thought I was stupid, so I had to prove her wrong. I got straight As that year and demanded I get to take an AP course, she put me honors English, which I settled for. I am still so proud of taking that class. I made a friend that year who referred to me often as "the idiot savant",
I was just happy I had someone to talk to, I realized much later he was not a nice person. When I graduated high school my mom said, "they told me if you got a GED it would be shocking. but you got your diploma in 4 years despite everything."
I got into Ringling College of Art and Design. My friend went to the local state college to major in Psychology. We skyped most nights. He was always naturally good at everything, he could do an assignment in 15 minutes and get an 110 on it, no matter what it was. I had to work for a month on one essay to get a B. I thought he was a genius. He had said he was taking psychology first as a back up since his scholarship covered a full 4 year degree completely, he was gonna go to art school after and take the loans for that.
I was not considered good. I struggled with my grades a lot in art school. The head of the illustration department told me junior year, "Drop out now. Save your money. Switch to a different major, like science or something. You're not fit for this." So I started drawing more, I did a 100 page book for my thesis, while most of my classmates barely did 15 pages. When he saw my thesis he said, "I was wrong. This is brilliant and completely marketable. You could be an amazing children's book author, I'll be following your work" I gave up socializing, sleeping, eating, everything to achieve that. While working on my thesis I had a mental and psychotic break down and was hosptialized for a week. I kept going though.
After I graduated I started applying for masters programs, I spent a solid 2 months building an entirely new portfolio specific to each school I was applying to. At the end of this two months my friend says, "When are you gonna teach me to draw so I can apply to schools?" I spent another 2 months helping him build his portfolio, or for that matter learn to draw for the first time because he never drew before. I spent 12 hours a day for 8 years to get to the skill level I was entering art school. He got to that skill level, if not beyond, in 2 months. At drawing 2-5 hours a day. At the end of that time he said, "this is a lot of work, I've never had to do this much to be good at something." and quit. He was naturally gifted to a level I could never comprehend, and he quit. Because my GPA was so low all the colleges rejected me.
I didn't know what to do, until I visited my high school art teacher. She helped me remember the thing I love most is teaching art. So I applied to University of Phoenix, and I have one year left until I get my teaching degree. It's hard, reading 200 pages a week of text is pushing my limit. Words never seem to sit still, reading even for a short time gives me migraines. So I did what I did in middle school when I wanted to read Warriors, I took Excedrin, put an ice pack on my head, and kept reading.
I find talking to children much easier than talking to adults, they don't judge as much. So I'm not worried about that aspect, I get along very well with children, I understand them better. Going to anime conventions has helped me develope socially anyway, I no longer have to take benzos to be near people. I handle it decently, awkward, but managed.
No one thought I'd graduate middle school, but here I am getting my masters. Because I worked hard. I didn't want to lose control.
I started practicing piano lately, my boyfriend got grumpy last night after I had been practicing the same page of the same song for 2 weeks and said, "You know, most people don't have to practice for 2 months to be able to play one song."
"Ill get it eventually, I always do."
"Maybe you're just not good at it."
That made me visibly upset. A good friend of mine who was in the room got very angry and said, "Jessica has no talent, she's very strong and works very very hard. So **** off she can do whatever she wants."
He immediately apologized and said he didn't mean it in that way, he was just getting annoyed from hearing it a lot.
It kinda made me mad about everything else.
I still my letters backwards if I'm not focusing really hard. I still have to spell check even basic words whenever I write. I still need to work out basic arithmetic on paper. But I"ve managed, and I'm here.
I've had a lot of acquaintances lately complaining about how hard life is, and that stuff isn't easy for them and, "You wouldn't understand. You get stuff." When they're literally just being lazy. It made me more mad.
I decided a long time ago I'm not gonna let people set limits for me. After I finish my MA of Secondary Education I'm gonna go for a PsyD in Educational Psychology. I hope I'll make a difference for other people.
My mom still thinks I have some developmental disorder, I probably do. My psychiatrist just says I'm a genius and that I have an IQ of 140.
I don't know why I'm really sharing this here instead of in venting. I guess I kinda want a shallow pat on the back like, "good job" or whatever. Some kinda of gesture. I don't think I'm stupid anymore, but I wish I could get some acknowledgement of how hard I work, ya know?
Last edited by manic_felinemistress : 05-05-2017 at 05:24 AM.
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