*Trigger Warning* Rambling
I put a trigger warning on this post because I have no idea what I'm going to say when I get in to it. I really just needed somewhere to get it out and I can't get into the chat to just be around like-minded people because my computer refuses to dissolve the DNS server and find an IP address.
This may not even be the forum that I should be in.
I was in recovery for so long that I forgot what all this can feel like - the addiction to it, the hiding, the lying, the feelings of nothing. Recently, something in me has snapped and I haven't been handling it well. I returned to old habits and I am not sure how to reconcile who I am now with who I was last week with who I was last year.
I have been the strong one for so long. Mr. Doesn't Talk About His Feelings, Mr. Always Okay, Mr. Helps Everyone. I don't know how to handle being Mr. Broken, Mr. Don't Talk To Me, Mr. I Can't Do This Today.
So, I've been punching walls. I've been hurting myself. I've been controlling the pain in my life to deal with the feelings in my chest, to be able to be there for the people who have come to depend on me.
I think that this is what breaking feels like. I sat in the hospital parking lot for a few hours yesterday. I considered going inside. I considered letting them keep me. I'm not sure if that potential decision was measured by fear or by a desire to not be responsible for anything for a few days. I ended up leaving without ever going inside.
I'm not an immediate danger to myself or others, so I don't need to be there. I don't know where I need to be at all. So, I came back here. I came back to people who I know will listen without judging. I'm just here to vent. Thanks for reading.