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Old 07-12-2015, 07:50 PM   #21
Wonderland.
 
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How are you getting on now?

I hope you are safe.

Is there anyone you can call?

It might help to put the pills out of sight and out of the room you are in.



'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥


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Old 08-12-2015, 10:09 AM   #22
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The staff at the hostel have my meds. So I don't have access to od I just wanted to


I'm gonna ask my psych about dbt today. I've been asking for it for over a year but because I havnt been given a full bpd diagnosis (currently diagnosed as schizoaffextive - bipolar type) I havnt been allowed on the list.
Who would have thought I would be fighting for an extra diagnosis?
But I really think dbt might help.
I'll have to talk about it today.

I feel low today and like ending it all but if I say that to the psych he might put me in hospital because he's that kind of person .
So I'll just say I'm low and struggling to function and sleep.
See what he suggests.

Htt are gonna do an assessment today. Hopefully they can help to.


I'm trying to be hopeful and open minded but it's all a bit of an act because that's not how I feel.

I feel hopeless and closed minded. Like nothing will help and nothing will change but I will try. It's all I can do.



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I have dyslexia so please excuse my poor spelling and sometimes poor understanding.


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Old 08-12-2015, 11:18 AM   #23
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Quote:
I'm trying to be hopeful and open minded but it's all a bit of an act because that's not how I feel.
even if it feels like bullshit, keep on with this mentality even if it's the opposite to how you feel. xx



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Old 08-12-2015, 02:05 PM   #24
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I've just see the psych. He said it's bipolar depression. I had to wait at the Base to wait for htt assessment. He is gonna give me clonazapam and change me to either quietapine or olanzapine next week.
I have to decide in the next week which one I'd prefer.
I'm unsure right now but I'm leaning towards quietapine.

Htt said they would take me on and see me daily and give me my clonazapam.

I feel a bit calmer now.
I'm happy with the plan. Just hope I feel better soon



The average,
well-adjusted adult
gets up at 7.30am feeling just plain terrible.


Call me Kate.

I have dyslexia so please excuse my poor spelling and sometimes poor understanding.


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Old 08-12-2015, 03:27 PM   #25
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also DBT was brought up and its gonna be looked at again for me although the psych said he is unsure if I need it because im doing most things they would suggest anyway and it seems to be helping keep me safe even if it hasn't lifted my mood. but I still pushed for it in case there was something I could learn from working on DBT skills in a group.

Also Im unsure as to why my team are so against DBT for me. it could be a diagnosis think or the fact that they specialise in psychosis (Im under the early intervention service) and they just dunno much about DBT. Any way its annoying me a bit because I really wanna try it and have seen some really good results from friend who have done it, especially with self harm behaviour and intense emotion tolerance, which I get a bit of both.

Im feeling a bit anxious because im going to a show tonight and because ive been feeling so low I havnt changed my clothes since Thursday or had a shower. Ive even been sleeping in my clothes. I know its disgusting but I have been really struggling to function.
Anyway I will have to get showered and get dressed for this show. I think I should go because it might lift my mood. but it seem so overwhelming. Maybe im over thinking it.
Ill just have to try and do the best I can. even just getting into clean clothes will be better than nothing. although I can smell myself (sorry I know that's gross) so I should wash too.
I dunno it just such effort when you have such little mental and physical energy. ugh!


Last edited by Ballerina123 : 08-12-2015 at 03:34 PM.


The average,
well-adjusted adult
gets up at 7.30am feeling just plain terrible.


Call me Kate.

I have dyslexia so please excuse my poor spelling and sometimes poor understanding.


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Old 09-12-2015, 11:16 AM   #26
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struggling today.
struggling to get dressed. to wash. to eat.
I know I should and all these things will make me feel better but ugh!

I cant stop thinking about death and how I might not make it till Christmas.
I want to overdose so bad. :(



The average,
well-adjusted adult
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Call me Kate.

I have dyslexia so please excuse my poor spelling and sometimes poor understanding.


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Old 09-12-2015, 08:25 PM   #27
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The following content has been hidden - Reason : trigger SA

I spke to a drugs counsellor today and she said that my drinking was the reason I was raped.
like its y fault
like if I hadn't got drunk I wouldn't have been raped
im a dirty drunk. a slut. a whore.

I want to cut or OD or just die.

I cant live like this anymore.
ive been sexually abused my whole life and I should just end it.


I feel genuinely suicidal. with intent.



The average,
well-adjusted adult
gets up at 7.30am feeling just plain terrible.


Call me Kate.

I have dyslexia so please excuse my poor spelling and sometimes poor understanding.


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Old 09-12-2015, 08:53 PM   #28
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PRN taken.
wish it would hurry up and work.
its either a&e or and OD.
Id rather OD.
I need help.
I need a hug.



The average,
well-adjusted adult
gets up at 7.30am feeling just plain terrible.


Call me Kate.

I have dyslexia so please excuse my poor spelling and sometimes poor understanding.


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Old 09-12-2015, 09:17 PM   #29
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Hey Ballerina! You've already mentioned that you dont wish to die so please try to hold on to that thought when you feeling suicidal. Im sorry your dealing with so much :(
Have you got people around you? Anyone you can call, not even to talk about it if you dont want to, but even just to hang out and distract you for a while?

Also Im starting DBT in January and it may be a good choice of therapy for you. Its all about learning new non destructive coping mechanisms. Maybe your brains way of coping right now is to swarm with you with suicidal thoughts, but remember they are just thoughts and they cannot force you to act them out. It might seem like the only solution, but remember its not one you really want. Stay strong hun & also please stay safe! <3

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Old 10-12-2015, 08:30 AM   #30
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Things are hard right now.
I keep waking up with suicidal thoughts that carry on all day.
I'm unmotivated and sad.
I'm trying my best but things are hard.



The average,
well-adjusted adult
gets up at 7.30am feeling just plain terrible.


Call me Kate.

I have dyslexia so please excuse my poor spelling and sometimes poor understanding.


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Old 10-12-2015, 04:51 PM   #31
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It is never someone fault that they went through SA. And the counsellor should never have put the blame on you. That was completely and utterly unprofessional of her.

Have you spoken to your CPN about this?

It is not surprising that you are finding things so difficult right now. Imagine you were in someone elses shoes, and she's said it to them. Do you think they would just be okay and not be struggling?

Be gentle with yourself <3

We are all here for you!



'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥


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Old 10-12-2015, 05:54 PM   #32
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Thanks so much.
You right this stuff is stressful and wrong. It just feels like I deserve it :(


I often talk the talk and don't walk the walk.
I should lead by example but that is hard to do. So hard.

What would my patients at work ever think of me right now?



The average,
well-adjusted adult
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Call me Kate.

I have dyslexia so please excuse my poor spelling and sometimes poor understanding.


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Old 10-12-2015, 08:01 PM   #33
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I don't think anyone would think badly of you. In fact i think you would be met with empathy and compassion. Because that is what you deserve to be met with.

It was NOT your fault you were abused. It could never be your fault. It was someone who took advantage of you when you were in a vulnerable position and frankly that says an awful lot of bad things about them and none about you. I know it's hard not to blame yourself but seriously, it wasn't your fault. And for someone in a professional position to even suggest that is quite infuriating. And they should be ashamed of themselves.

You're doing the right things even when everything is unbearably hard right now. Hold on to that. Hold on to yourself. And try to first and foremost believe the people who are being supportive and not the people who are trying to place the blame elsewhere.

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Old 10-12-2015, 10:58 PM   #34
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I feel like I am doing the right thing everyday.
Im using my skills, taking my meds and speaking to staff/HTT. so why don't I feel any better?

Ive thought about ODing a lot tonight but I handed in all my meds so I thought I know ill go to the pub and then a pharmacy and then who knows.

but ive taken my meds and stayed in.

Im feeling a bit calmer but still a bit messed up

I worried and scared. I still don't trust my actions and thoughts.

I may have to call samaritins to talk it though.


Last edited by Ballerina123 : 10-12-2015 at 11:07 PM.


The average,
well-adjusted adult
gets up at 7.30am feeling just plain terrible.


Call me Kate.

I have dyslexia so please excuse my poor spelling and sometimes poor understanding.


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Old 10-12-2015, 11:08 PM   #35
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Im struggling tonight a lot.
I sound like a broken record.



The average,
well-adjusted adult
gets up at 7.30am feeling just plain terrible.


Call me Kate.

I have dyslexia so please excuse my poor spelling and sometimes poor understanding.


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Old 11-12-2015, 11:55 AM   #36
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They want me in hospital.
They say I can't be managed at home.
I don't want hospital, it doesn't help.

I'm low and just wanna give up.
I've ruined everything.



The average,
well-adjusted adult
gets up at 7.30am feeling just plain terrible.


Call me Kate.

I have dyslexia so please excuse my poor spelling and sometimes poor understanding.


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Old 11-12-2015, 01:16 PM   #37
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Look at it this way, you want to give up now so what do you really have to lose??? I think a stay in hospital might help you. You're in a place right now from which you see no way out other than suicide. When things get this bad our thinking becomes distorted and we tend to see everything in black or white. This could potentially help you get back to a place where you could find the strength and hope to continue with the progress you've made.

I know it seems like a defeat to need to be in hospital but it really isn't. It's an investment in your future and in YOU. You are worth the help and you deserve to pull through this and get back to your life.

You might not be able to stay safe on your own. In that respect i think hospital will be the best choice for you right now.

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Old 11-12-2015, 01:33 PM   #38
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You've been trying to do all the right things, maybe a little more support in hospital would help you get back on an even keel? Has hospital helped you get better before?

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Old 12-12-2015, 05:40 PM   #39
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I've been admitted and I don't know why. When I said I didn't understand I was placed on a 5 (2). I said I can't see why I can't be managed in the community. And I can't see why?
I have done nothing dangerous I don't get it.
I was doing OK with htt.

They were said I'm not well enough to see how unwell I am.

I'm so frustrated. I'd managed to stay out for 3 months and now this.

I wanna go home.

A 5 (2) for no reason. Maybe the government have something to do with this. It's a conspiracy. It must be.



The average,
well-adjusted adult
gets up at 7.30am feeling just plain terrible.


Call me Kate.

I have dyslexia so please excuse my poor spelling and sometimes poor understanding.


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Old 12-12-2015, 05:42 PM   #40
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What ward are you on?
I'm sorry they've put you on a 5(2).
How are you finding it on the ward? Could you try and work with staff?
x

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