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Old 07-01-2014, 10:43 PM   #1
FabulousMike
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I'm messed up.

Please, please don't judge me, i'm doing that enough myself.

Tonight I've messed up, I've burnt myself quite a lot and it just doesn't feel like i've done enough, it never feels like i've done enough :/

It's because I can't let scars fade away, It scares me, it freaks me out and my older scars were fading so I had to add to it, does that make me fucked up? I know most people would give a left leg to get rid of scars but...But I can't.

I don't like my scars but I don't not like them either, I just can't let them go.

What's wrong with me? Why am I so fucked?





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Old 07-01-2014, 10:49 PM   #2
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Oh mike.

You are NOT fucked.

I feel the same way about my scars sometimes too.

I'm sorry to hear that you have burned. Have you taken care of the wounds?
Instead of seeing this as a complete fuck up, see it as a blip. Yes, you self harmed, but you can keep going with recovery. It doesn't have to go back to square one.

We all fall off the wagon sometimes.



When you say you feel like you haven't done enough, does that mean you are still triggered to burn more?
If so, can you distract yourself?



How can the light that burned so brightly
Suddenly burn so pale?


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Old 07-01-2014, 10:51 PM   #3
FabulousMike
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They were fading so I had to do something, i knew I was going to do something, group today knew I was going to do something, I just couldn't help myself :/

Yeah, always look after the wounds!

Sorry, just feeling rather...Don't know, messed up haha,





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Old 07-01-2014, 11:04 PM   #4
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Definitely NOT fucked or fucked up.
Just wanted to say id read and sorry youre having a hard time x

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Old 07-01-2014, 11:11 PM   #5
FabulousMike
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Thank you, both!

I'm trying to think of it logically but not that easy, at the moment.





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Old 08-01-2014, 12:39 AM   #6
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What is it about scars fading that makes you want to make more? What are the thoughts and feelings behind it?



How can the light that burned so brightly
Suddenly burn so pale?


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Old 08-01-2014, 01:48 AM   #7
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Hey Mike.

You're not fucked <3

It is quite common for people to become attached to scars. I myself find it hard when I realise one is fading a lot.

It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you.

I think Patch is right, realising the thoughts/feelings behind it might help.

x x x



It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...


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Old 08-01-2014, 08:51 AM   #8
FabulousMike
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Thank you both!

I don't know what it is about my scars fading that scars me so much that I have to add to it :/

We talked about it yesterday in group (god it was hard!) and I couldn't answer them why i'm so attached, one member did say it's like a compulsion which does kinda make sense.

I do feel a bit better now I have new ones, I feel safer.





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Old 08-01-2014, 08:56 AM   #9
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I suppose it's good to know getting "attached" to scars is somewhat common.





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Old 08-01-2014, 09:38 AM   #10
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*cuddles*
You're not messed up. Like the others said it is common.
My initial thought was that you're still hurting on the inside and if the scars fade then there's no other way to acknowledge that. Scars fading means the hurt has healed and disappeared but if you still feel the hurt inside then it doesn't feel right that the scars fade. Does that make sense?




The only time you will find real light is when you're searching in the dark..


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Old 08-01-2014, 11:24 AM   #11
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Hey Zed, yeah that makes sense to me, i'm really not sure though, this is something i'm going to have to work on in group, I suppose.

I went into town today, I had to sign on and I thought I would treat myself to a hot chocolate but I couldn't even go into the store :/ I got scared, I went to the cash machine, got some money out, walked up to the store door, put my hand out then freaked out and quickly turned around :/ You know it's not good when you can't even get a hot chocolate.





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Old 08-01-2014, 11:54 AM   #12
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*hugs* thinking of you Mike, I have nothing to add, but you know where I am if you need me.



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Old 08-01-2014, 11:55 AM   #13
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Thank you, lovely. Means a lot :)





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Old 08-01-2014, 05:34 PM   #14
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How are you doing this evening? Are things any better or worse than yesterday?

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Old 08-01-2014, 08:22 PM   #15
FabulousMike
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Hello, sorry about delay.

To be honest, they are not better nor worse. I still feel the need to hurt myself.

The urge is strong in this one haha.





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Old 08-01-2014, 09:41 PM   #16
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Awh,dont worry about replying-its your thread :D
Is there anything that can help when you have urges?

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Old 08-01-2014, 10:01 PM   #17
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I can understand the urge to replace fading scars. For me I think it's a fear that if they fade, it means I'm "over it". Or rather, that others will perceive me as being better when I'm not. Obviously that's not the necessarily the case but it's a complex fear.

You mention having a support group - what other support do you have? It sounds like things could escalate unless you reach out.

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Old 08-01-2014, 10:05 PM   #18
FabulousMike
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snailonvalium View Post
Awh,dont worry about replying-its your thread :D
Is there anything that can help when you have urges?
Talking to a good friend tonight has helped me out, to a point, it's kept me nice and distracted. Urges are still there though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shed View Post
I can understand the urge to replace fading scars. For me I think it's a fear that if they fade, it means I'm "over it". Or rather, that others will perceive me as being better when I'm not. Obviously that's not the necessarily the case but it's a complex fear.

You mention having a support group - what other support do you have? It sounds like things could escalate unless you reach out.
I think that's a big part of it, if the scars go then suddenly when I feel bad I have no right to feel bad, y'know? Everything would kinda fall apart if they go.

I just have group every week apart from that I have nothing.





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Old 08-01-2014, 10:08 PM   #19
FabulousMike
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And being slightly tipsy has helped, hopefully i'll sleep better tonight!





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Old 09-01-2014, 11:29 AM   #20
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Hope sleep has helped.
How are you doing today?



In my dreams I slew the dragon


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