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Old 06-08-2012, 10:52 PM   #1
TheCrimsonSkyline
Laurah.
 
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I, The Failure.

A few months ago, I'd not cut for a while. I was doing okay. & now, I find myself sat here, swiping the blade across my wrist. It's usually euphoric, but tonight, it felt so wrong. It felt wrong. I felt as though, I was a failure, I was disgusted with myself. Usually it makes everything feel better, calms me down, allows me to think more rationally, clearly, and now, I feel so panicked and physically sick at the thought of me doing this to myself. I've done it for so long, why do I feel like this now. How do I stop? I want to, cut that voice is still there. Telling me to. There's danger everywhere, and I can do it whilst making it look accidental. Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I cutting my wrist, taking overdoses, throwing myself into the wall? Why am I allowing myself to fall apart, so fluid, piece by piece. I feel vulnerable, and I don't know what to do.



Hold Out Your Hand. Let Me Feel You As The Sun Comes Up Again.
I've Never Felt So Free. We Made It Through The Night.
Forget About The Fight. We Left The Cold, And The Darkness Tried To Take Us Down.
I've Never Felt So Free. We Made It Through The Night


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Old 07-08-2012, 01:11 AM   #2
Tig
 
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Hey Alexsis,

It sounds like you are going through a very tough time at the moment. I'm glad you posted, you deserve support and I hope that we will be able to offer you some at least.

Though it's not nice, I think it's a positive that harming yourself makes you feel panicked and physically unwell. It shows that you are not as okay with self harm being as much a part of your life as you used to be. This is a big step forward even though at times it can feel frustrating. It will give you more of a reason to fight the self harm.

I'm wondering if anything happened to draw you back to the cutting and other forms of harming?

I'm sure it's not a choice for you in regards to, "Why am I allowing myself to fall apart?" ~ unfortunately mental health sometimes doesn't give us an awful lot of choice. *Hugs*

Do you have any coping mechanisms that you used during the months that you were free from cutting that might help you now?

Thinking of you xx

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Old 07-08-2012, 05:33 AM   #3
Cryptic.
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Sometimes people need a little help in stopping self harming, I'm wondering if you're seeing anyone professionally, like a therapist, psychologist, social worker, CPN, anyone? Does anyone know about your self harming at all? Getting as much as support as you can with this would do the world of good for you.

Sometimes when we self harm, it doesn't give us the relief we crave, instead, it makes us feel ten times worse.

Try to remember that self harming won't help things at all, it only makes things worse for you in the long run, try to hold onto that fact.

Does anything help you when you're feeling these urges to resist them? Distractions in particular you feel would help right now?


Keep fighting.

x



In a world where you can be anything, be yourself.






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Old 07-08-2012, 09:17 AM   #4
TheCrimsonSkyline
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Thanks, guys.
I don't see anyone. The last time I was referred to someone, they said because I had good grades and could dress myself/put make up on, then I must be okay. So I just told myself to stop being stupid, found a job, made new friends, and everything was 'okay'. But now, I have a newer job, with newer friends, and it's coming back. Why is the thing that helped me before, destroying me the second time round?
I don't really have any distractions, then don't work, just fill me with a mix of anger and sadness. Ha. /:



Hold Out Your Hand. Let Me Feel You As The Sun Comes Up Again.
I've Never Felt So Free. We Made It Through The Night.
Forget About The Fight. We Left The Cold, And The Darkness Tried To Take Us Down.
I've Never Felt So Free. We Made It Through The Night


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