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Old 27-07-2012, 08:28 PM   #1
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Scars & Skin grafts

I'm new to the site,so please forgive me if i say or post incorrectly.
May was a horrible month i burnt so badly,so many times,didn't get help because i didn't feel worthy and was scared,i'm a mum and social services were already sniffing around.A letter i recieved from them sent me into a spin,i felt so dirty so labeled,contaimated,i felt i was as bad as those who'd hurt me,i felt great anger and i took it out on myself but whatever i did,wasn't enough,i spent one night just burning,and i went far to far.
On the 13 june i had four skin grafts you'd think this would stop me it hasn't self harm is all i think about from waking till i go to sleep,it's not helped by the burns unit i attend "allowing" me to do the dressings myself,i say "allow",pushed would be the right word,the first change last night went so wrong,two graft areas broke,i freaked i didn't know what to do,i had to get my 16yr old to help me. I feel so not in control i have to keep medicating myself to keep safe,i'm scared,i hate the scars i've been left with there not mine,i still feel dirty,containmated,vioalated,i have spoken to burns pyscholist and she tries to help,but how do you change? How do you stop self harming? How do you come to terms with the fact i have great big dents in my thighs,i'd love to just cut it all out,take a knife and destroy myself,i feel so broken,no one can fix me,no one can help,i feel alone,weekends are the worst,my moblity is poor so getting out is tough,baths are out of the question,can't deal with all the crap in my head,i wish i had a off button all i have is meds,they mask,cover the cracks,life is crap i don't see the point,i'm tired of fighting,sick of looking at my skin,to peel it off to start agan without the scars,but it wouldn't be me,my scars remind me i'm alive,i'm here,i'm in his face,dead is gone you can't come back from dead,i feel at war with myself,and i'm not winning.
Scars & Skingrafts is the title i choose How do you deal with them? How do you get your head round the operation to mend the mess you made? i've never gone this far before,stiches,glue,etc, been there done that never grafts,i'm struggling,i don't know who to reach out to,where to go with all these thoughts,someone suggested this site,and i thought what the hell i'll give it a go. Thanks for reading,you don't need to reply.

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Old 28-07-2012, 05:19 AM   #2
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Welcome to RYL. I'm sorry you're having such a bad time :(

You said you only have medication - have you been offered any other help? Would you go to your GP & say you need more help than just tablets? Or if you have a social worker then ask them (you mentioned social services)

I kind of know how you feel about having to get your head around the mess you've made. I had to go to a burns unit & was told I needed a graft - I was reluctant & it didn't need it in the end, but I've had a transfusion & told I could lose my hand & other such scary stuff. I guess you just have to concentrate on how you can move forward, rather than focus on what you've already done - can't change the past & all that!

What can you do during the day that distracts you? You said you can't really go out but do you have friends who could come over?

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Old 28-07-2012, 12:18 PM   #3
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Thank you for your reply,Social services are not involed with me and i'm trying hard to keep it that way.
My Gp is aware and does all she can to help,so does the pysch i see,he wants me to a local MBT therapy but i'd rather do a more Self Harm based therapy,distractions do work i have a few i can use,mainly breathing and visulation,as for friends i don't have any,i chased them away so i only have myself to blame. My life at present is surronded by medication both pysch and medical,facebook,burn clinic appts,i try to attend a local support group which helps a lot,they understand what makes me tick.
I try to stay in the present to move forward and look forward but its hard,over the year i've lost so much that its hard,feels like a mountain that is hard to climb,you get so far then fall back down again,but i do keep getting up,keep fighting. I too have been told that i could loose my leg and other such things it is scary,but it hasn't stopped me,i suppose i don't believe them,but yet i must. I'm glad you didn't have to a graft there not fun,there horrible,painful and invasivse,and i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Once again thanks for the reply and the hug,and thanks to those who have read. Take care xxx

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Old 28-07-2012, 03:11 PM   #4
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Just wanted to say I have had a few skin graft operations for burns so I know the pain and the hassle.

Why do you not want the MBT therapy? It's a difficult therapy to undergo but I've met people who found it really beneficial. If it's not right for you, do you have any other options? Maybe your psych could refer you for specialist self harm therapy, if it is available. I think it's great that you have distractions you use, but would you be interested in exploring the reasons why you harm yourself?

With the doing your own dressings thing, it might be standard practice. I attend the Burns outpatient clinic once a fortnight and do the dressings myself inbetween. Are there any positives to doing your own dressings? For me, it is that I am not having to travel there every couple of days and that I can have a bath when I am changing my dressings.

I really hope you can manage to break this cycle of selfharm. xx

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Old 28-07-2012, 04:36 PM   #5
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Thanks for the reply,it's not that i don't want the MBT therapy,i just don't think its right for me at this time,i'd like to do more therapy based on the self harm,the reasoing behind it etc,to be able to understand myself more so i can break the cycle.
I get where your coming from re the travelling and being able to have a bath,and i'd give anything to do that,i tried and the skin broke down,blood etc,my head is just not in the right place at the moment. It is also standard practice at the burns clinic i attend to self care,i felt it was forced upon me,i went wednesday and was told it was happening from that day no warning,no preparation,i need to plan ahead if that makes sense,at the moment anything can set me off,my anixety levels are so high,even doing something as simple as deciding what to wear,can take hours,so that appt really put me in a spin.
I do want to stop,i don't want to keep burning myself,i do want help,just don't think MBT is the way for me,i know loads of people it has worked for,but i'd rather for the moment concentrate on the self harm,do that work then look into MBT,but with anything it's money my local PCT want local options explored first,my local option is MBT,even though the self harm service is run within the same Mental Health Trust,so i'm stuck the MBT is run by the Personality Disorder Team,where the self harm is run by the Crisis Recovery Unit,different boroughs different budgets,it sucks that to get help i need to be self harming daily at dangerous levels before they will even consider,treating me at the CRU. I'm meeting with my psych on tuesday so will have the disscussion again,hopefuly he will have good news,but i won't hold my breath.

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Old 28-07-2012, 06:59 PM   #6
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just wanted to say i've recently had skin grafts and totallly feel you about the dents. I've got a fairly large dent on my lower leg and I'm feeling so awful about it but still wanting to self harm again! it doesn't make sense at all, but it is i suppose "normal" for use to feel this way



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Old 28-07-2012, 07:26 PM   #7
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Thanks for your reply,it helps to know that someone feels as i do,so thank you xx.Does it get easier? Do the dents become less of a dent (if that makes sense)?
As for being "normal" i don't think there is such a thing.
I hope you'll be ok,it's been 7 wks since my operation,it's been a tough 7 wks and i hope it'll get easier,i hope it'll get easier for you too xx

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Old 28-07-2012, 10:13 PM   #8
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I only had the op about 2 weeks ago. They said the dents will get a bit less denty but i can't say hopefully they will. It is tough but idk about you i had the injuries for 4 months before they got their act together and did the surgery so i'm just relieved it's done with and trying to use it as a detterant to not do it again



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Old 29-07-2012, 08:34 PM   #9
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re:the dents from grafts. Some of mine have filled out over time, maybe after a few months or a year, and are now not dented. But a couple haven't. I think it might depend on where they are and how much tissue was removed, in terms of depth of burn. In terms of caring for the scar, my burns team said it was important to moisterise them and massage them regularly. The scars can continue to improve for up to 3 years so don't be disheartened - for both of you, it's early days and they will hopefully look a lot better in the future.

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Old 29-07-2012, 09:45 PM   #10
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My scar, though it was not grafted in the end has softened and become less bumpy. I think the tissue does fill out as the scar softens, the underlaying tissues can fill it out a bit more.

You are supposed to moisturize a scar once its fully healed 3 times a day apparently, firmly massaging it in.

Don't do this without checking with a GP but someone I know was told they could use cortisone cream on their scars to make them less bumpy as it thins the skin. It is probably only suitable for old scars though so don't do it without asking!

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Old 29-07-2012, 10:41 PM   #11
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Thanks for the replies,it helps to know i'm not alone.
Today/tonight is tough,not just cause of the self harm,but i suppose you could call it that,i feel the urge to OD,had a shitty day argued with my daughter things were said on both sides,trying to work it out in my head though vodka might help,hasn't,keep looking at the scars not only on my thighs,but my arm as well don't know what 's worse the need to burn,OD or cut out the burn scar on my arm,just want to scream,HELP!!!! but where i'm so confused right now,sorry if i've offened,not my intention

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Old 30-07-2012, 11:17 AM   #12
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I wish I could help somehow, but the best I can do is let you know that I'm here if you want to talk. I hope you made it through the night ok. Moms and daughters fight, so don't let that get to you too much. Just take a nice deep breath and remember that there are people thinking about you, and caring what happens to you.

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Old 30-07-2012, 12:03 PM   #13
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Thx for the reply,I didn't make it through the night I Od,not sure what else to say. I feel a little better today,its taken the edge off,if that makes sense.

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Old 01-08-2012, 09:48 PM   #14
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Still feeling shitty,want to burn so bad,Od was a stupid idea,didn't help just made things worse,keep hitting my graft no idea why just had it withthe world and trying to get somewhere,never gonna stop,urges are strong,stronger than for a long time,don't see the point in trying anymore.

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Old 01-08-2012, 10:00 PM   #15
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sorry i'm not able to find any words right now. but try and hang in there and talk to someone for support.



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Old 01-08-2012, 10:12 PM   #16
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Thanks for replying,not sure i have the strength to hang in there been texting the sams on and off this eve,does help but doesn't,heads all muddled,just so confused right now wish i had an off button,taken my meds so hopefully head will calm down soon,just tired of fighting

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Old 02-08-2012, 11:19 PM   #17
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me tooe xactly! having an awful few days, i feel you though really i feel like i could of written your post!
Theyve put me on anti biotics again now because one of the grafts looks a bit dodgey.
Keep fighting! we can do it



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Old 03-08-2012, 08:25 PM   #18
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I gave in an burnt again,has helped,but the Od idea is still there,really struggling with that,my CC is concerned,but all she can offer is distractions and fingers crossed i make it till tues,a crisis plan,the stuff i'd normally do i can't cause of my thighs,especially the right one,it keeps giving out with no warning,so i'm not safe my daughter has had to "catch" me so many times,i'm scared i will at some point over the weekend Od again,this time i won't stop till the pils are all gone.

Sorry for being so negative,thx for all the hugs xx

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