Good to hear you had some time out. It's really nice to hear.
I think it's great that your starting to feel more determined to try your best that's all anyone can ask. Your psych will know what's been happening. What I always try to do us write it down and read it out when I see her, as it helps me to remain calm and to the important factors as otherwise I tend to focus on stupid things or loose track. Maybe you could try that... It may take a few edits!
Does your husband have any thoughts on what's best for you?
I think being willing to try is the key thing, wherever you are. Well done for making your mind up about that. In my experience, when you're making clear efforts to at least try overcoming things differently, more support is offered. That doesn't necessarily make things easier, but it is more validating. It's ideal to try for yourself, but if that isn't always possible it can work just as well to try for your family, friends or even your psychologist.
Have you thought about how your behaviour might effect others in the ward. When I was sectioned and not allowed any leave and working hard to get out and back to my life, being locked somewhere with a patient who kept bringing blades back from their leave would have been horrible for me.
No matter how ill you are you are still you in a world, are there things in the world you want to get back to, that made you feel good about yourself, things to work towards? Being safe isn't much of a goal because it's just about you and it becomes a bit of an all consuming bubble, you end up thinking about people as just how they relate to your safety, not how you relate to them as fellow human beings. You lose perspective on real life.
In the real world an adult woman crying and screaming and refusing her food unless someone else insists she eat is ridiculous behaviour, and behaviour you never would have been doing 6 months ago because your perspective wasn't so off.
You need to re learn how to be an adult now, and you need to want to. You need to want your self respect back.
Lego girl, no one knows patient wise what I do. My arms are covered anyway. I realised what my head banging was doing so I do that outside when no ones out now.
You're right though. It just all feels so surreal right now.
Fell asleep still dressed on top of my bed about 12am, they left me all night and I woke up freezing at 8am. But then was so out of it still I couldn't get up until my husband came at 3pm. I'm not taking it again. I would rather be upset than a zombie.
With the Chlorpromazine, it might take some time to get used to it. I know it's scary now when you are feeling like a zombie and faint etc but it does get better. I was on it a few years ago and initially it was awful but it did get better after a couple of weeks. x
Nymphette, I've previously posted advice and support but I'm not sure you were able to take it on board. Anyway, I thought I'd try again.
I've been reading this thread but not always posted a reply. I can relate to many of the behaviours that you're exhibiting. A few years ago I was behaving in a similar way. I'm not entirely sure what is causing you to react in this way but for me it was my friend committing suicide. I was completely out of control. I was screaming, hitting out, banging my head, self-harming with literally anything I could find. One time I managed to abscond and when I was brought back by the police I pretty much trashed the lounge area. I was always being restrained. What I didn't realise at the time was the impact my behaviour was having on other patients. There was a girl there with an eating disorder who was supposed to be supervised drinking her Fortisip, however because I was constantly kicking off the staff had to leave her in order to restrain me. I met this girl last year and she explained that when I kicked off she would tip her Fortisip away. I felt so bad knowing I was affecting others care.
I was placed on 1:1 observations for quite some time before they transferred me to a secure hospital. My behaviour warranted me to be in a PICU but because of the circumstances they thought it was better to keep me in a familiar environment. You really don't want to be sent to a PICU or a secure hospital. Imagine being in hospital with no phone, no internet, supervised visits for 2 hours at specified times, no daily visits. I felt completely cut off from the world. Fortunately for me I managed to get out in 12 months but there are patients who have been there years and years. A friend of mine has been there 5 years.
I'm not trying to be horrible or scare you I just want you to see what your behaviour could possibly lead to.
Please try to engage with the groups and if they offer you the chance to do DBT in the community, take it. Try to initiate conversation with the staff. If you feel unsafe or need help ask for a chat, ask for PRN etc.
We can give you all the advice in the world but at the end of the day it's you that has to decide to listen to it and make changes. You can control your actions/behaviour.
I hope you will think about what I have said.
When life gets you down do you know what you've gotta do?
Pthe other patients will know youve been self harmong,how could they not if you have previosuly kicked off and refused to hand blades over? They arent stupid, pretty much everyone in a ward knows when people have been selfharming, they might not say anything but they know. I cant imagine head banging is overly quiet either....
I think youre kidding yourself if you think other patients arent affected by others-you yourself have been affected by other patients.
I cant tell from your thread whether maybe going somewhere more secure is maybe partly what you want, not in an attention way per say,more idk,like youve started on this slope and keep upping the ante and now you cant stop almost...
Staff wise,have you tried writing what you write in here and giving it to staff? They are the best equipped to help you at the minute,use them, if you cant or struggle to speak, write it down,then they know whats going on before you get to the point in them youtelling them you need to sh
What im getting at,is there are more ways, positive ways of communitcating other than verbally resorting to sh. You may not know what you want from life or one but ending up on a section 3 in a picu or secure means you dont get much of a life, you wont get any leave tospend time with people, use your mobile phone when you want,use a bathroom when you want....all these things will be controlled...
I would also suggest trying to get to know other members of staff,you might be surprised at how helpful they can be,by limiting yourself to your named nurse,you limit your support,acute wards are designed to deal with a crisis, not to help people in the longer term, have you considered going to a therapeutic community? Or pd unit?there you have access to long term therapy and input and more support?
Just wanted to agree with those pleading with you to avoid a picu. I was on one, briefly thankfully, and it's awful. No phone, internet, hairbrushes, toiletries, leggings, they cut any ties etc off your clothes, no cigarette lighters/matches, nothing to do except watch one tv and be ushered into your room when others kick off/try to kill themselves, never seeing a nurse except when she was watching you pee, seeing people carried in by six police officers and put in the padded seclusion room, supervised when showering/going to the toilet, visitors searched. No dignity. It was awful and I still have flashbacks three years on to be honest.
Nymphette, please try and find something to motivate you to get yourself out of this. It can be anything that has meaning for you. I also think you need to take a step back and ask yourself if these behaviours are helping or hindering you. From reading your threads, it would seem to me that things have spiralled out of control since you've been inpatient. Would you agree with that?
The first change needs to come from within you before others can help. You do have the power to make the first change, even if you can't quite see it right now. With mental health, most of the hard work is done by the patient, with professionals there to facilitate, support and guide. And you have great deal of control over it. It's different from physical health where doctors and nurses do things to us to make us better.
Recovery is a tough road with slip ups and dark days, but it has to be better than where you are now. Please don't take this a me having a go at you, cos it's not. I just understand that sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees when things are so overwhelming. I know you can get through this and come out the other side happier and stronger.
Be kind - everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle
Thankyou all for your honest and helpful replies. All of you. I read every word and it's all made me think.
I'm trying really hard to cooperate here. I ended to self harming this evening, but after I got caught I handed the tool over without a fight and agreed to get dressed straight away. And I took the lorazepam I was offered. So I guess that's progress?
Head banging wasn't enough. Urges to see inside myself. Stress about seeing the consultant and my psych tomorrow. Feeling the decision is on me. My head is full of so many conflicting thoughts. I want to bang my head and shut them up. I can't focus on any of them anyway.
Have you tried writing the stuff running round in your head or doing the "scream into pillow",any length of time you postpone resorting to sh,is a step towards progress and freedom, even if you have to stay up all night writing stuff or walking round in circles or listening to music,or going and harrassing staff until one of them gives you the time you *need* talk about whats going on, seriously,go ask every single on of them,tell them all the distractiins youve tried, show and tell them youre trying,they do need more than "ive distracting myself" sometimes, write a list of stuff youve tried. Im worried if you dont,that your meeting tomorrow could have an outcome that will a while lot worse for you than it needs to be.
Im with some of the others when they suggest that being on the ward isnt helping you but,if you keep self harming and smuggling things in,then they *will* seruously consider a picu
I don't feel my self harm is for messages. It's just I don't use words either. I don't know.
I've tried, coming out on to the ward and talking to patients and staff. Painted my nails. Watched YouTube videos. Listened to music. Sat in the garden. Walked round and round the garden for hours. Read magazines.
I've agreed to start taking and trying meds again, if very tentatively. I'm trying to sort my sleep pattern out. I'm trying to reduce self harm. Or at least accept help after it's happened, which is what they asked for.
I truly believe I won't be safe if I left. But would agree to try very hard if they were to let me stay. Work with my psych here, and start the ball rolling on the dbt assessment.
Does that sound ok?
I'm really scared. I'm scared that I'm probably seeing the consultant before I see my psychologist, or she could have helped me get things straight. I just don't know.
Why aren't you already 'trying very hard'? If you think this is the safest or best place for you then you should already be 'trying very hard' rather than using your efforts as a bargaining chip to keep you there.
If you aren't already trying very hard, from devil's advocate point of view, why should you stay? You've had a number of weeks and only used them so far to escalate your behaviours well beyond anything you were doing at home. Based on this, it's fair to say hospital is not helping you but rather reenforcing your behaviour.
You will have to 'try very hard' outside the hospital, too. Things won't be better simply because you've been in the hospital. One of the most important things you could be doing whilst in the hospital is using all the resources (talking with staff, planning with psychiatrist and psychologist etcetc) to prepare for returning to the community as this is the ultimate outcome. Otherwise the whole experience will be a waste as you will be in much the same position as before. You keep saying this is your biggest concern, so best to start actively addressing it.