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Old 30-12-2013, 10:30 PM   #1
sherlock holmes
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Help?

Not feeling great, really.

After christmas I just crashed. Boxing Day evening I was standing outside my house in floods of tears, can't remember why, everything got on top of me.

I decided it would be best if I left university as I've not been there in over a month. I can't cope with the travelling, my anxiety is bad plus I have IBS that gets bad when I'm stressed/anxious. It's a long journey- 90mins one way.

I felt good about the decision because I thought I'd start the OU in October, or go to the university that's about 15 mins away from my boyfriend's flat (where I stay term time). I've filled out my UCAS application and I'm just waiting on my reference.

But my parents were initially angry and unsupportive about my decision and it made me feel worse. Mum didn't seem to care about the reasons why I was leaving uni, she didn't show any concern except that the money I pay her would stop. She didn't like the idea of me going on ESA either.

Things came to a head this morning. I was supposed to be travelling to Hull with my boyfriend to see his family, and I was anxious over that and anxious about everything and still depressed from boxing day. I woke up and immediately my boyfriend asked me why I looked sad. I started crying and couldn't stop. I had a panic attack, continued crying and then the suicidal thoughts started.

My boyfriend took me to A&E and I saw a lovely guy from the crisis team, but because I was out of area he had to refer me to my local crisis team (who are kind of shit depending on who you get). But we had a long chat as he was assessing me, and he totally understood me and everything that was going on. I felt sad because I wanted him to be my CPN.

I was discharged from my CMHT a few months ago against my wishes, and he thinks I need to be taken up by them again, have a CPN and also see a psychologist long term to work on my anxiety. He said he'll put his recommendations down in his form and send it to my GP, and presumably my psychiatrist.

But there's still the chance I will get told they wont take me back on.

I told my psychiatrist I think I need to be in hospital, somewhere like The Retreat in York where it's long term therapy and not just acute short term stays. But again it's down to funding and last time I asked they weren't keen.

I see the crisis team tomorrow, and I'm safe tonight. But I'm scared of the suicidal thoughts coming back. I don't want to go to the acute ward, I hate it there. I suppose I don't really want to die, either. But sometimes I feel like I've got no choice.

I don't know. Just wanted to be heard.



Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…

you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.


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Old 30-12-2013, 10:36 PM   #2
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Hey,

Sorry, I really have no words but I wanted you to know I read and I care <3

Thinking of you

x x x



It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...


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Old 30-12-2013, 10:55 PM   #3
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Thanks <3



Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…

you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.


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Old 30-12-2013, 11:01 PM   #4
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I'm sorry to hear things are so bad Sarah x

I'm glad your boyfriend took you to hospital, he sounds really supportive, it's always good to have people like that around.

For what it's worth, I think you've made the right decision in leaving uni for a bit, 90 mins is a very long way to travel, it would take its toll on anyone, let alone someone struggling like you have been.

Do you think you'll be able to talk with the crisis team tomorrow? Hopefully with their input, the CMHT will be more likely to take you on.

xx



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Old 30-12-2013, 11:02 PM   #5
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I dont have many words but wanted to say I'd read your post.
What do you think had led to you feeling so low? Is it an accumulation of things or been slowly building?

Well done on going to a&e, it takes an awful lot of strength to go there. Hopefully your local crisis team will have improved? And be able to help with getting a cpn or at least re refer you to the cmht xx

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Old 30-12-2013, 11:07 PM   #6
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Thanks both of you. I am very glad I have my boyfriend and I love him to bits. Part of my anxiety is that he'll leave me, and I often cry because in my head I'm imagining him leaving me and not loving me any more. I don't want to think about it, it gets pushed in.

I think it's all been building up, and I've had no proper ways to let it out.

I hope the crisis team are helpful tomorrow! I see my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks, she should have been finding out if I can have a CPN.



Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…

you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.


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Old 30-12-2013, 11:17 PM   #7
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Those thoughts sounds difficult to deal with. Does anything help with them at all? When I get intrusive thoughts, I find listening to music through headphones and imagining stories that go with the music and if the thoughts come creeping back in, then just change the song and start again. It does really help.

I'm glad your psych is looking into getting you a CPN, do you get on with her?

x



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 30-12-2013, 11:22 PM   #8
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I hear you Sarah x

I can hear how much you fear the suicidal thoughts coming back but do remember you don't have to act on them, though I understand how unpleasant they can be. Is it worth creating a safety plan and writing out steps to take when you feel low and the thoughts come on? You could include some of your dbt skills.

xxx

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Old 30-12-2013, 11:40 PM   #9
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Sarah,

im sorry you're struggling so much, 90 minutes does sound like a long way to travel for university. im glad you went to hospital though to get assessed. returning to the CMHT sounds like a good idea as your more recent posts have shown that you are struggling a fair bit.

take care x

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Old 31-12-2013, 10:36 AM   #10
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The problem is when I start to feel anxious or get bad thoughts I never remember to put my headphones in, or try reading. I did write it all down but then I never remembered to read the list!

Feeling quite low this morning, crisis team are coming in a few hours.



Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…

you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.


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Old 31-12-2013, 11:29 AM   #11
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Do you think if you carried around your iPod or whatever in your pocket or in an obvious and easy to reach place you'd be more likely to pick it up when you're feeling bad?

I hope it goes ok with the crisis team x



I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!


Who else is fine?!?!?


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Old 31-12-2013, 12:06 PM   #12
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Can you pin the list to the back of your phone, or in your phone case? Or some other item you use regularly even if you're in distress.

Best of luck with the crisis team. Well done for reaching out.

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Old 31-12-2013, 01:13 PM   #13
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Good luck with the Crisis Team :) Well done for asking for support.

x x x



It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...


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Old 31-12-2013, 03:08 PM   #14
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Hello hun, I hope the crisis team visit went well and am leaving you some hugs



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Old 31-12-2013, 04:06 PM   #15
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I'll try and leave a list of distractions somewhere obvious.

The crisis team came at lunchtime. Basically they said due to cutbacks the way they work is different now, and they only see really acutely ill people (who surely need hospital if they are that ill?) and that I am more chronic.

They agree with the assessment guy from yesterday that I need a CPN or support worker from the CMHT and some form of therapy. They said they will contact my psychiatrist and the CMHT on thursday to try and push things along.

In the meantime they will phone me tomorrow, but not see me, and I think they are looking to discharge back to CMHT on thursday, but I doubt I'll get any actual support from CMHT except to see the duty worker if I feel unsafe, which as I've mentioned before, is like banging my head against a brick wall.

They kept saying they weren't rejecting me or leaving me with no support, but that's exactly what it feels like.

It's all very well them saying they think I should have a CPN, but first the CMHT need to agree to it, secondly that will probably take a few months beacuse for some reason everything moves so slowly, and third the CPN can only help me during office hours, and surprisingly enough mental illness does not conform to office hours.

I'm scared. Going to A&E was so much effort and I don't think I can do it again.

If the suicidal thoughts get worse again then I wont have the crisis team, and if it's after 5pm or at the weekend I wont be able to see the duty worker, and I'm left to my own devices again.

I did ask to remain under the crisis team over the weekend and they said no, because I wasn't acutely ill. They should have seen me yesterday morning then.

Angry and scared.



Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…

you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.


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Old 31-12-2013, 06:01 PM   #16
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Ugh, that's so frustrating. I hope the CMHT agree to see you soon...in the meantime, try not to worry about the extent to which you are 'chronic' or 'acute'. That is for them to worry about. The moment you get suicidal thoughts which you feel inclined to act upon, take it as severe enough to get back in touch with them or the duty worker. I can understand how hard it is presenting at A&E to be assessed, but if your life is at risk then it has got to be worth it.

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Old 31-12-2013, 06:07 PM   #17
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I am sorry to hear that the crisis team weren't that helpful. I have had heard the same thing from my crisis team, that my problems are chronic and that they only deal with acute. I know it may feel like they are rejecting you but try to remember it is not personal, that they do the same with other patients who really need support and help. I do understand though that them just pushing along the CMHT doesn't help you right now when you struggling. You have every right to feel angry.

Could you try and focus on trying to get the CMHT to offer you something helpful? It is important to have hope when you feel low or unsafe. Hope can sometimes help you to continue to fight and stay safe. If you find your GP helpful could you ask them to write a letter telling the CMHT that they think you need some regular support from them that they can't give you? Anything could help influence their decision. Could you write down the points you want to make to your psychiatrist about needing regular support? It may help you make sure you mention all the points you feel are important to make. I think it is important that you push for the help and support that you need.

Is there anything that has helped you in the past when you feel unsafe? Even if it's only a little bit, anything that increases your safety is important. Have you ever found ringing the Samaritans helpful when you feel unsafe? Does being around other people help?

When I feel suicidal, holding on to hope can sometimes help me. Maybe you could think about things you want to do in the future, near or far. Take note of anything positive that you do have, anything that gives you quality of life. Anything that gives even a little hope could be helpful.

I sorry to hear that you are struggling so much, I hope things improve for you soon.






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Old 31-12-2013, 06:49 PM   #18
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I'm so sorry this has happened. You've done everything those of us with suicidal thoughts get told to do in terms of alerting people to a crisis, and still not got decent immediate support. I have been through similar in the past so I can imagine the feelings.

It may not be much consolation but remember that this is a result of lack of funding of mental health services, and not a reflection on you personally. It sounds like there's general agreement you need more support. With both A&E and the crisis team chasing CMHT you may be looking at weeks rather than months for them to sort something out- although this is still too long at the moment.

Do you find telephone helplines (samaritans etc) of any use for out of hours?
I hope you start to feel safer soon.
x

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Old 31-12-2013, 08:15 PM   #19
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I feel for you. Obviously you've been coping with a lot and although it is really amazing you've acknowledged your anxiety and how it limits you and tried to find an alternative to your daily commute, I can imagine that making that decision, in itself, has brought stress.

A 90 minute commute would be a lot for anyone, so with anxiety and the consequential IBS, I can imagine this is actually quite painful for you. I really do think it shows great courage to realise that it wasn't working for you and seek an alternative rather than make yourself increasingly unwell. I'm sorry your parents weren't able to initially understand your decision and showed little concern for your welfare. I hope your boyfriend was able to.

I wonder if the panic attack and suicidal thoughts are related since they started at the same time? Like a pressure valve? I mean, perhaps your mind is trying to escape these overwhelming emotions by toying with suicide? Mine does that a lot...also noticed I get overwhelming self harm urges when I happen to think about something I deem (or a part of me deems) shameful...as though my mind wants to 'get rid of' the feelings through self harm.

I'd agree with you that you would likely benefit from long term therapy for your anxiety. But have you done any CBT though because anxiety can be helped by this method too - and it might be a bit more financially viable through the NHS (e.g. you'd be more likely to get it!). If you have a psychiatrist, but the CMHT can discharge you against your wishes...that makes no sense. It seems like a lot of mixed messages. Surely it'd be more cost-effective to offer you therapy than see a psychiatrist?

I think that the mental health support through the NHS can actually exacerbate mental health conditions. I think it is a massive shame that it is vastly under resourced by the government and this leaves departments having to tell people they're "not sick enough". I've heard that myself, and it's demoralising and potentially triggering. I worry about the future and privitisation...but that's a different topic entirely.

Just wanted to be heard.

I hope you do on here and with your boyfriend. Take care of yourself.

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Old 01-01-2014, 12:51 PM   #20
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Crisis team rang me this morning to see how I was, as they promised, and they had some good news- yesterday they contacted the CMHT and spoke to the person who co-ordinates things, and apparently I've been put on the list in order to be allocated a support worker/CPN/care co-ordinator (not really sure what I'll get) and it may be that I'll be allocated somebody by the end of the week.

The crisis team said until I get a 'satisfactory outcome' then they'll be available for me to ring if I get unwell.

My boyfriend has been looking after me, but was meant to be in Hull seeing his family this week, so I told him to go and see them. I don't want to be selfish and make him look after me, when I have the crisis team to ring and potentially someone at the CMHT to take me on this week. So he's up there now, and I hope he can relax. My mum is around today, but from tomorrow is back at work, so I'll see how I cope I guess.

Thank you for all your replies, I'll address some of your points:

I try to hold onto the hope that my boyfriend and I will get married and have children. I want to get to a place where this is a viable option! He tells me he loves me, and every now again mentions having children which makes me smile. It's just my anxiety goes "What if he leaves you? What if he doesn't want to be with you any more because of your mental health issues?" and so on. So I try to hold on to the fact that he's still with me, and we do have good times.

I've never rung any helplines before. I've emailed the samaritans and not found them all that helpful. I guess if ringing a helpline is anything like ringing the duty worker (ie get told to go for a walk or take a bath when incredibly suicidal) it just makes me feel worse.

I do feel a lot calmer now I've made the decision to leave university, and make arrangements for starting a different one in september that is very close to my boyfriend's flat (15 min bus journey or maybe 5 mins car journey). I've done my UCAS form and my referee is writing my reference now, so it should get sent off by the deadline! My mum seems to be more accepting of my decision, unfortunately it often takes a crisis for her to understand how bad things have got with me. Because I am usually very high functioning (always dressed and washed, keep eating and sleeping, can laugh at jokes etc) she never really knows anything is wrong until things hit breaking point and I'm under the crisis team. I think that kind of went against me really, as the crisis team mentioned how well I looked and that was part of their decision not to fully take me on. It's frustrating because I always look the same. Even in psychiatric hospital I was always washed and dressed and showing interest in everything etc.

Yes, I think it was like a pressure valve. Things had been slowly building up for months and the other day it came to a head and everything got released at once. I think because I don't have any coping mechanisms then this keeps happening. The crisis team thought it was good that my self harm is down to maybe a couple of times a months, but I tried to explain it wasn't really that good because I still don't have any alternative methods to cope!

I've never really done a proper course of CBT. A few years ago I saw a psychologist and she said she'd do a bit of CBT with me, but our sessions were limited to about 10 and just as things got going it had to end. I'd really like to do CBT properly and not be limited by the amount of sessions.

Part of me is thinking that if I were MORE unwell then I'd get the help I need. It's like, 'if you did X as self harm then it'd be dangerous and you'd need to go to A&E to be treated and then they'd notice how bad you feel'. It's a dangerous thing to get into. Last time I listened to those thoughts and acted on them I got sectioned... and then I did get the help I needed... it's frustrating I guess. If only MH services had more funding then people wouldn't get into these vicious cycles.

The crisis team mentioned self soothing, so I did some this morning. I had a bath and used some of my Soap & Glory gift set and straightened my hair and put in some lovely hair clips I got as a present. I feel really nice now.



Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…

you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.


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