Hey, sorry I haven't replied 'til now. I realise my posts are hard to respond to, I don't think I'm very good at communciating my problems to other people at all, or asking for help, or even knowing what help I want. I appreciate your replies. I lost it a little last night, wanted to talk about things but couldn't get to trying to put the 'work' stuff into words. I had a horrible struggle with myself last night - I can be quite violent to myself so can take meds to minimise the damage. Made myself take them in the end, and then tried to do as much damage as I could before they kicked in ... ridiculous
So tomorrow I'm back in work, sore and sedated. Not the best way to be going back but it could've been worse. The problem is complicated. I used to enjoy the job, and it gave me a little bit of self-esteem. The company is really stuggling though, and there is the constant feeling that what I do is never good enough. I know it's not just me who feels this way, but for various reasons I feel it in a much more extreme way than my colleagues. It triggers a lot of things in me. I feel like I'm suffocating. I feel inadequate, uselss, pathetic, overwhelmed with self-hatred. I'm not in any fit state to change jobs, and if I give it up I'm frightened I'll become agoraphobic. I'm frightened of everything, all the time, and it just saps all the pleasure out of life. I know I feel exhausted today because of last night, and the drugs I'm taking (prescribed) but generally, I don't know, I'm exhausted by it all.