I feel silly for posting, but I have nobody I can talk to about this, and I guess I just want some hugs.
I have been self-harm free for well over a year now, and previous to that it was only ever minor slip-ups that were few and far between. I rarely think about it anymore, and even if I am tempted, I'm quite easily able to dismiss it.
However, tonight I am feeling very sad and triggered. I have intense urges to cut my arms and I think this is because all of my scars are very faded and not really noticeable anymore. I feel like I'm 'not ill enough' and I need to do something to tip the scale and make how I'm feeling more valid. I know this is a ridiculous way to feel, but it's something I've always struggled with - I never feel like I've cut deep enough, even though I should have got stitches in the past - that sort of thing.
This is difficult because I'm in a fairly new relationship and my boyfriend has never known me as a self-harmer. I don't know how he'd react to new cuts. I'm also starting a new healthcare job in September that will probably require exposed arms for hygiene reasons so new wounds would make that very complicated.
I'm just struggling because I never felt like I was completely done with self-harm, and it's sort of like I'm waiting until I can do it again. I'm waiting for my boyfriend to break up with me, I'm waiting for myself to mess up this job and lose it, I'm waiting for a moment where I can hurt myself without having to worry about the consequences. I just wish I could feel like I'd properly recovered and left it behind, but this feeling of having unfinished business is driving me crazy.
Thanks if you read my ramblings!